Last Night’s Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants

Shanna Moakler

I will now attempt to recall the entire episode of Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants as though I have Tourette Syndrome. I will randomly blurt out inappropriate comments, spurred only by my thoughts about the lovely contestants.

Linnea, the Pageant Director first explained that there will be a problem if they don’t listen to direction, setting the stage for drunken punches and naked pole dancing sessions. Oh wait, wrong show.

Melinda (the mom) had a kidney transplant, but, you know, she’s been living life to the fullest; Pamela and Felicia, eating, looking like sisters. Drinking. Eating. And still eating. They were called “star wars chics” by the other ladies. Note to self. Pamela and Felicia are awesome. Jennifer and daughter have lost their dad/husband to a helicopter crash. VIOLINS. Andrea an Amanda are The Competitive Ones. Amanda “doesn’t need to make friends, especially when $100,000 are involved.” Patty and Laura were eating their own separate food, refusing to share what’s in the fridge. EATING DISORDER. Patty and Laura: “I don’t think [Gina and Hollis] are a definite non-competition. I don’t think they are pretty. We have an edge because of our beauty and our fun personality”. SCARECROW. We then met Ada and Christian. When Christian was 14, she was “running around with the wrong crowd” so her mom sent her away to Girls Town for behavior treatment. HOODRAT. FIGHTS ON THE SHOW.


The moms and daughter teams had to then pick an outfit and an identity and present it to the judges. Brenda and Heather pick “Blonde Bombshells”. UNIQUE. Andrea and Amanda pick “Reigning A’s”, although at first I thought they had picked “Raining Aids”. Annette and Alana pick “Silent But Deadly”. GAS. Pamela and Felicia pick “Tomboy Queens”. Then we met the judges: Former beauty queen and Travis Barker’s baby mama Shanna Moakler, fashion and beauty guru Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, “TV personality and author” (her words, not mine) Cynthia Garrett and the 3 criteria of judging: Originality, presentation and first impression.

Patty and Laura: Laura was in a weird sparkly bikini. Laura said she had ultra high metabolism, which is why she’s so skinny. She also kind of acts like she’s on crack. Awesome Carson asked if she drinks a lot of caffeine. “I’m naturally dramatic. Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Haha.” PSYCHO.
Brenda and Heather, the Blonde Bombshells then said they are going places and that they signify “A lady who is smart. And intelligent” possibly not understanding that smart and intelligent are synonyms.
Gina and Hollis are “The Dream Gals”. They are sooo NY, even though they are from Texas. They love each other. And I love them too! They sang a showtune or something. LIZA MINELLI.
The Diamond Dolls and are obsessed with shopping malls, because “Diamonds are sparkly and fun and we love bling”. Mom started crying. VIOLINS. MALLRATS.
Felicia and Pamela were the Tomboy Queens dressed in army duds. Carson couldn’t believe his eyes.
Jill and Nicole were the Sassy Sisters. They look more like sisters, which is weird. SASSY CREEPIES.

Here, the moms were forced to sacrifice their daughters to the God of Pageants by piercing them with a pair of diamond-encrusted scissors. Just kidding. BUT THE SHOW HAS LEFT ME WITH MURDEROUS FEELINGS.

The Blonde Bombshells were desashed, and all is right with the world.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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