The United States of Tara: Hell Hath No Fury

If you’ve ever wondered if it’s OK to have sex with your wife/significant other while one of her alternate personalities has taken over… it’s not. Last night’s The United States of Tara delves into the issue about whether Max should be allowed to mate with his wife’s body while she’s lost in translation. Tara feels guilty that she’s not allowing him to have happy fun time, especially since Max seems to be having difficulty getting his flag pole to stand at attention these days.

Alice is around for a few minutes today, mainly to try futilely to put the moves on Max. He doesn’t take the bait, though he was tempted by her puffy negligee and can of whipped cream. Tara snaps out of the alter and immediately tries to relieve her husband of his built-up frustrations. Unfortunately for Tara, Max only seems to want the greener grass, not the slightly lackluster grass he’s already got.

Marshall has a big audition today. Even though he feels that the school production of Grease is trite, he’s still reading for the role of Kinickie because acting is acting is acting. Marshall seems to be a tad distracted, however, by the hunky popular guy Jason, who is doing A/V for the play. Just like everyone does when they have a crush, Marshall goes online to spy on Jason’s MySpace page and then researches every one of Jason’s obvious interests. During a random conversation about Carlos Santana, Jason invites Marshall to come to a super-secret underground theater that’s putting on some kind of cutting edge production. In my pants.

Meanwhile, Tara’s still hanging around and has an appointment with Charmaine’s boss for a mural. Tiffany St. John is that annoying lady that always tries to see the silver lining in every situation. I hate those bitches. She even manages to cover up her racism (“throw in a couple brown babies”) and her pretentiousness (calling her dogs “the kids”) with smiles and wine.

There’s nothing more awkward than your first day at work… except if you’re Kate, who seems to lack the gene that causes embarrassment. As the newest waitress at the Barnabeez family, she’ll have to go through a rigorous training program before she hits the floor. Gene is in his late 20s and seems to think that being the General Manager is, like, the hottest thing ever. Watch out ladies—this guy can pizzaz a grilled chicken sandwich like no other.

Even though she was supposed to keep it a secret, Tiffany spills the beans that she knows about Tara’s multiple personality thing. Tara’s upset with Charmaine for telling, but like any good boss would do, Tiffany breaks the tension by revealing that she was molested. At home, Tara is getting ready for her big date with Max. They’ve decided to do a little role playing as a treat to Max for being such a good boy.

Back at Barnabeez, Gene has one last part of the training process to share with Kate. He pulls out a plastic bin; inside is a Barnabeez visor covered in dirt and grime. It came straight from Ground Zero, where Gene used to work as a junior manager. Kate is taken aback and inquires what it was like. A somber Gene reveals that it was horrific… and that he was in Florida at the time. If there’s an international look for thinking “you’re a tool,” Kate was definitely flashing it. Gene doesn’t seem to realize what an idiot he looked like and pulls out a couple cigs to complete his “cool boss” demonstration.

Marshall shows up at the address for the secret theater only to discover a church. And not just any church—a homophobic, anti-feminist, hate monger kind of church. And this “production” is actually a Hell House that depicts what hell will be like for all the sinners in the world. Good news for Marshall… he’ll get to play the AIDS patient as he’s writhing in pain. Because sinful gay butt sex is apparently the only way people get AIDS…

Max is super excited about his date with Tara. He’s brought wine and everything. It’s a good thing Buck likes booze. That’s right– Buck came out to play. It seems that Tara got a little gun shy about the role playing and wants Max to just want her, not one of the alters. Max seems to understand and settles in to watch some amateur porn with his buddy Buck.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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