Battlestar Galactica – “Blood On The Scales”

So, the grenade goes off. Adama and Tigh have been knocked sideways – but fortunately, it wasn’t a fatal blow for either of ‘em. Gaeta’s henchmen prepare to haul them off. Probably not to a day spa.

Hot Dog is ordered to fire upon Roslin’s raptor. He can’t pull the trigger.

Kelly reports to Gaeta that they have captured Adama and Tigh. It’s to the brig for Tigh with the rest of the skinjobs, but Gaeta can’t pass up the opportunity to do the “Gloating Evil Madman Drunk on Power” thing in front of Adama.

If Hot Dog won’t blow Roslin’s ship away, Narcho sure as heck will. (How seriously can we possibly take this attack, anyway? “Narcho” sounds too much like “Nacho,” and………..a charge led by Hot Dog and Nacho? It’s like a concession stand sprouted legs and armed itself.) Thanks to Pilot Eight’s mad skills, they dodge the missile with their name on it. Roslin’s raptor makes it to the rebel baseship.

Roslin boards the basestar. The Cylons think they are under attack, but Roslin has to explain it’s her the vipers are gunning for. And then she has to explain the whole mutiny thing. She tries to pass it off as just a temporary glitch, whereas Baltar elaborates that Gaeta has control of the army and Zarek has control of Colonial One. Foster says they have to jump. Six agrees. Leoben points out that if they jump, they’ll never see Anders, Tigh, Tyrol or any of the others again. Roslin wants them to put the ship in the middle of the fleet – using the other ships as cover. And she wants them to give Adama time to get back on top. The Supremes’ song “My Guy” plays in the background. (Not really, because this is a serious show. But that would have been funny.)

Adama is led to Gaeta. Gaeta knew Adama wouldn’t be on the raptor. Adama says he cares too much for the ship to let it be overrun by rats. Snap! Gaeta tells him to get on the radio and tell Roslin to come back and surrender. Adama takes his admiral lapel pins and throws ‘em down at Gaeta. Since little G’s in control now, he can do the damn dirty admiral work himself. Suddenly the radar screen shows the basestar moving in to the middle of the fleet. Gaeta figures out what they’re doing. This Admiral job is way harder than it looked from the sidelines. Gaeta tells Kelly to prepare for Zarek’s arrival.

Zarek and his bootlicking accomplices have arrived and are walking through the landing bay, unaware that Starbuck and Lee are lurking nearby.

On the basestar, Roslin is trying to make radio contact with someone – anyone. Preferably someone nice.

In the all-Cylon brig, the gang – much worse for wear after all the ass-whuppin’ of late – is pondering their fate. Anders wonders what Gaeta has planned. Tigh thinks Anders can at least expect to lose a frakkin’ leg.

Zarek and Gaeta are conferring. Gaeta is insisting on a trial for Adama. Zarek seems to just want to go the dictator route. Democracy is for suckers, and for naïve chumps like Gaeta.

Tyrol is lurking in the corridors and making his way…..somewhere else.

Romo Lampkin is baaaack, and being led by gunpoint, also somewhere else.

Zarek is reading off to Adama the list of crimes he is accused of. Treason-y stuff. Punishable by death via firing squad. Lampkin isn’t sure why he’s been summoned, because he’s a lousy shot. Ahhhhh, but he’s handy with the whole blathering rhetoric thing, and is given a choice of either representing Adama, or serving as target practice for the guys who will eventually be shooting Adama. Lampkin wants to know when to expect the judges. They’re here! It’s Zarek! Just Zarek! Because when they said they would give Adama a trial, they meant “trial” with the sarcastic quotation marks around it.

Adama tells Gaeta to shove this whole trial business up his ass. He don’t need no stinkin’ lawyer. And Adama’s just getting warmed up. Lampkin asks for a moment alone with his client – the better with which to advise his client of the gravity of the situation. Zarek and Gaeta give them a moment.

Roslin is still trying to make radio contact with the other ships. The Cylons are twitchy. Six points out that they don’t even have the protection of the other fleet – they’ve scattered. And the circling vipers have the basestar in the crosshairs. Foster wants to have a meeting. Sorry, Roslin – Cylons only!

Tyrol opens up a vent and then crawls inside an air duct.

Zarek is addressing the Quorum. He explains that while Gaeta may look like an inept little pipsqueak, Zarek for one believes he’s just the twerp guy to fill Adama’s authoritative yet beloved, scary yet likable shoes. Zarek’s not getting the warm and fuzzy reaction he was hoping for. In fact, the Quorum want to talk amongst themselves – without Zarek present. He steps outside the room, and then instructs his armed guards to step inside it – and kill ‘em all. Democracy’s only fun if everyone is agreeing with you. Zarek then instructs Kelly to go fetch Gaeta. As Kelly marches off, the guards go Rambo on the unsuspecting bureaucrats.

Gaeta stands in disbelief, knee deep in dead Quorum carcasses. He protests that he didn’t sign up for this! Zarek points out that he did! Sort of! He wanted Adama out of power, didn’t he? “What have you done?!” asks Gaeta. He reminds Zarek that they had the truth on their side, but now they just have dead Quorum carcasses.

Tyrol is crawling through the so-tight-you-couldn’t-swing-a-dead-Quorum-member air ducts,,,,,,

Foster is facing Roslin and explaining that they have reached a consensus – flee, flee like the wind! Foster says they need to cut their losses – the others are as good as dead, anyway. Roslin tries to remind them of all the other absurd crap they have survived against the odds. And besides, Adama is going to be doing that whole Reckoning with a Capital R thing he promised a few episodes ago! Any minute now! She’s sure of it!

Tyrol pops out the air vent in the munitions locker, only to find Kelly pointing a weapon at him. See, the whole “breaking into the weapons room” thing is only a good plan if you’re the first one to think of it. They reminisce a little about old times, and have a laugh over Tyrol being a cuckold, and then Kelly lets Tyrol go, albeit in reluctant, angry fashion.

Lampkin wants Adama to write and sign a statement. Put your innocence on record for the fleet, he tells him. Adama isn’t signing shit. Lampkin tries to whisper to Adama that he has sympathizers who are mobilizing, and if Adama would just give them some time……only they can’t formulate a more coherent plan beyond this, because the armed goons at the door don’t like the whole whisper-y, conspiracy thing that they’re doing.

Baltar is skulking around the basestar feeling sorry for himself, and suddenly finds Six hovering over him.

Starbuck and Lee are poised outside the brig, and only have six or seven guards standing between them. Lee lobs a grenade at ‘em, and then as they scatter, he and Starbuck unleash some Tropic Thunder in their general direction. After annihilating them, Starbuck takes cover as Lee goes to retrieve the grenade, because there’s no sense in wasting a perfectly good and unused one, since he never pulled the pin out.

They rush into the brig, and Lee is freaking because his dad isn’t there. Tigh explains that Kelly took him. They all do the Escape from Alcatraz thing, only upon exiting, Starbuck decides to relieve some of the dead guards of their weapons, and Anders stops to help her. Lee thinks this is a frakkin’ waste of time. Of course this gives more bad guys time to materialize. And they do – and one shoots Anders in the neck. Starbuck is distraught. She tries to stop Anders’ bleeding, only it’s bad. Gran Torino bad. The others are insisting that they need to move on, but Starbuck won’t leave Anders. She tells Lee to take the others and get the frak out of there.

The “trial” isn’t going well. It mostly consists of Gaeta whining a lot about Adama’s Cylon-lovin’ ways. The phone rings, Zarek answers. He is told that Tigh and the others have escaped. Zarek hangs up the phone, and then decides to play telephone, but the third grade birthday party game kind, and announces that Tigh was shot trying to escape. You can tell he is only doing it to yank Adama’s chain, and Adama looks yanked, allright. He doesn’t cry, because that’s not his thing. Gaeta tells Adama he’s sorry – and he almost seems to mean it. Then Gaeta goes back to whining some more.

Zarek declares Adama guilty as charged. Lampkin observes that this isn’t a trial – it’s an asylum.

Roslin’s voice bursts through the P.A.. She sends out a message to any ships who will listen that there’s been a mutiny and the Galactica is chin-deep in mutinous mutiny-mongering assholes. And she says something about how the other ships should shut down their FTL drives. Zarek makes a phone call and tells someone with technological prowess to cut the broadcast.

Roslin is psyched that she got through – with a little help from Leoben.

Starbuck is dragging Anders along the corridor. She stops to rest a second when Lampkin turns the corner, led by an armed guard. He sees her. Starbuck draws her weapon, only it’s out of ammo. That’s OK, because Lampkin has fashioned a shiv out of his pen, and stabs the guard in the neck. [Insert the inevitable quip about the pen being mightier than the sword here.] She asks Lampkin to help her with Anders. He says no way…..he’s gonna save his own keister. Only……he’s having second thoughts, much to his chagrin.

Back at the CIC, Gaeta is taking note of the ships that shut down their FTL drives in compliance with Roslin’s request. That works out well, because now they know which ships to affix with a giant “Kick Me” sign on their bumpers. Gaeta pulls Narcho aside, tells him he needs him on Adama’s execution detail in one of the hangars – and to gather up only men he can trust. Narcho pauses.

An armed squad is leading Adama to meet his maker. Kelly breaks away from the group and goes off and crumples to the ground and cries like a schoolgirl.

Tyrol is winding his way though the air ducts again.

Lee and his Cylon posse come upon Kelly crying. When he demands to know where his father is, and Kelly tells him they’ve taken him to be shot, Lee tries to nail Kelly to the wall without benefit of a hammer. They hurry onward. Kelly shouts that he’s coming with them.

Adama is blindfolded and stands before the firing squad. Gaeta gives the go-ahead to shoot. Adama is riddled with bullets!! Nooooooo!

It was just a dream! (Yessssss! But that was kind of a cheap shot, so to speak.) Baltar wakes up in a cold sweat. Six tries to “make him feel better.” Hell has apparently frozen over, because Baltar doesn’t want to feel better. (But that’s his whole Baltar thing, feeling better! How confusing.) He has a nauseous feeling instead. It’s only just now occurred to him that fleeing the Galactica left a lot of people – including his followers – to fend for themselves. Even though his flock consisted of naught but brainless sheep, he wonders if maybe he owed them more than the privilege of kissing the ground he walked upon, which was all covered with his skid marks last time anyone checked…..

Oh frak! He realizes he’s a total douchebag. He has to go back and maybe try to do something less douchebaggy.

Adama is now facing the firing squad for real. Maybe. Who knows. Let’s assume so.

Roslin is barking over the radio waves to the Galactica that they have five minutes to surrender and put her sweetheart back in power. Or else. She says it in a really convincing tone of voice.

Gaeta goes and slouches around in Adama’s office, and fondles Adama’s admiral lapel pins some more. He picks up the phone and tells Narcho to carry out the execution.

Narcho says, “Yes sir.” Only the camera pans out and we see that he is actually under ten tons of CYLON DURESS. YES! Tigh has a gun a few inches from Narcho’s traitorous face. Adama is being untied by Lee! Athena and a few of the others (even Kelly) have the rest of the bad guys on their knees – literally!

Adama approaches Tigh. “They told me you were dead.” They almost start crying like schoolgirls, only that’s not their thing. They almost hug, but that’s not their thing, either. Still, you can tell that they are both over the moon, in their own crusty, manlove kind of way. Adama faces Narcho. Narcho’s….uh…..sorry?

Gaeta sits at Adama’s desk and then rubs his aching stump. Which is hopefully festering with gangrene. Or some sort of space fungus.

Tyrol is progressing with his air duct crawl.

Zarek gets on the radio to tell Roslin that Tigh was killed attempting to escape, and that Adama was executed. He asks her to surrender.

Yeah, right. Not now, not ever. She will use “every bomb, every bullet, every weapon” and then “her own eye-teeth” to END HIM.

Gaeta reacts poorly to Zarek’s little phone call to Roslin. He doesn’t see how Zarek can be the President and the military leader at the same time. That’s so not democractic. Gaeta prepares the Galactica to jump the frak outta there, ‘cause he doesn’t want to make any more difficult decisions today. This Admiral business is, like, draining.

Ahhhhhhh, we now see where Tyrol was heading. The place where the FTL engine thingie is kept.

Adama and the gang are storming toward the CIC. It’s Reckoning with a Capital R time! Yessss! Roslin is barking over the P.A. about all the bad things she’s gonna do to Gaeta and his little merry band of mutinous mutiny-mongering assholes.

Tyrol is disarming the FTL thingie with his bare hands.

Gaeta is preparing to jump. Sucka. They won’t be going anywhere, not with that important little gadget thingie now in Tyrol’s hands. Gaeta’s kinda over this whole being the boss thing. Zarek tells him to deploy his birds. Gaeta is remembering whole Reckoning with a Capital R business that Adama had promised to unleash a few episodes ago. He snaps out of his pity party long enough to tell those awaiting his command that they should hold off on that whole weapons and vipers thing. He’s not feeling it anymore.

Zarek looks bummed.

Adama and his posse roll into the CIC with guns drawn. He has someone connect him to the President and he tells her to stand down. She does so, in a weepy, happy way.

Adama looks at Gaeta like he’s disappointed in him. Duh.

Tyrol notices something not so good in the engine room. Something is cracked. Or leaking. Or cracked and leaking. Anyway, it’s stuff that’s not good to see in an engine room.

Roslin boards the Galactica. Adama is waiting for her. He’s weepy. She’s weepy. But it’s more of the happy weepy stuff.

Gaeta is having a smoke with Baltar. He hopes someday people will understand why he did that whole traitorous weasel thing. They tend to some last rites business.

Gaeta and Zarek face the firing squad. Right before they fire, Gaeta marvels that his stump isn’t aching anymore. Some bullets are dispatched in his and Zarek’s general direction, which ought to squelch any lingering pains anywhere else on his person.

That last bit better not be another frakkin’ dream sequence.

Next week? Ellen rides again! And the trailer assures us that she “knows everything.” Poor Tigh.

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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