United States of Tara: Dream Police

Being the second-favorite kid sucks. Especially when the favorite kid has multiple personalities. They get twice the attention, not to mention coddling. Now you know how Charmaine feels on this week’s The United States of Tara. It’s her birthday and her parents have trucked in on the RV for the celebration. Naturally, it will be as awkward as Thanksgiving dinner.

Tara is apprehensive about her parents’ arrival. They’ve always been a little overprotective and she worries that their presence will spark a transition to one of the alters. Which actually would have been funny to see. She decides to not take a Xanax to ward off the possibility. Let the freak flag fly!

The next morning, Tara’s dad wakes up to discover he peed the bed. Guess the bladder’s getting a little leaky. It kind of serves him right though… he and the wifey are both a little bitchy. In fact, when he goes wine shopping with Max he tries to ask for custody of the kids. What nerve! Max tells him, in so many words, to shove off.

For Charmaine’s birthday party, she decides to play a word association game. Marshall forces himself to not answer every question, but it’s kind of hard for a brainiac. That’s when the parents take the opportunity to insult Tara’s parenting and Charmaine’s weight. How doting. But still-Tara remains calm and refuses to transition. We also get a little more background info on Charmaine. Apparently she and Max’s friend Neil hooked up before. Well, he’s not completely unfortunate.

Meanwhile, Kate pretends to be called into work and rushes off to the only safe haven she can think of-Gene’s. This guy is so unintentionally hilarious, like by asking her if she wanted a beer then telling her they don’t have any. He proceeds to serenade her with a Cheap Trick song before she ravages him. Wow, and I was under the presumption that ’80s ballads weren’t hip.

Back at the birthday bash, Tara learns that her parents are trying to drag Kate and Marshall off to a private school. The phrase “mind your f-ing business” comes to mind. Don’t worry… Charmaine stole the attention back by flashing her botched boob job. Ah, I live subscription television.

This next part is perhaps the best scene this show has ever had. Max wakes up to find Tara missing. He goes in search of her, only to find a Neanderthal-like Tara squatting over her dad on the pull-out sofa… peeing. When she/he/it/they spots Max, it runs away and into the night. Ladies and gents-we have a fourth alter. The cherry on top? Max lets Tara’s dad think he’s been peeing the bed. God, I need a husband like that. Please?

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.


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