Flashback to Tigh and Adama in a nightclub, getting drunk and stuffing dollar bills into g-strings. Ah, the good old days, when there was no liquor rationing, and Tigh still had two good eyes to ogle the strippers with. Ellen’s tossing back a few, too – sure, she’d celebrate the opening of an envelope (especially if it contained an invitation to the opening of a naval base), but in this case, they are toasting Saul’s retirement.
Lee and Starbuck are having a post-dinner political discussion in the apartment she shares with Zak. She’s mocking how earnest Lee is about politics and his service in the military. Zak appears and dishes some dirt about his big brother. He says Lee is an idealist, but a cynic too, which is why he and his dad aren’t speaking. Lee insists his dad believes only in himself. Zak asks, if Lee hates dad so much, why’d he follow in pop’s regulation-military-boot-shaped footsteps? Lee insists it’s strictly a college tuition thing, but you take one look at his clear-eyed, boy-scout, squeaky-clean mug and realize the guy’s a sucker for hospital corners and shoes shined just so.
Laura’s date Shawn shows up for their blind date. They make awkward talk about the awkwardness of blind dates. She feels like she knows him. Not in a Gemini-Taurus, past life way, but…oh, crap. He was one of her former students. Only he didn’t mention it to the person who set them up, ‘cause he was always a bit hot for teacher. She’s down with that. They start tossing back wine.
Adama and Tigh are back in the club. Adama wants to know what lengths Tigh would go to for a cushy civilian desk job. Seems Adama is on the fence about that job opportunity that was hinted at in the last episode.
Starbuck and Lee put a very drunken Zak to bed. Zak never could hold his liquor, says Lee. That’s OK, though, because Starbuck can hold enough for two or three pilots. She wants to do more shots with Lee. Body shots, if her flirtatious manner is any indication.
Adama is now puking his guts up in the gutter. He then giggles as he stares up at the sky, and space.
Fast forward to space, but space in the future, where the liquor and the good times have been flowing a lot less freely for the past several thousand years.
Baltar sits in the empty place where he used to shack up with his harem and the rest of his wide-eyed dupes followers. Six tells him to trust in God’s plan for him. You know – the one where he guides mankind to its end. Meanwhile, Paula shows up, but she only wants to guide him to the shuttle that will fly them the frak out of here.
Roslin maybe has another couple of days left to live, Doc Cottle informs her. Of course, she’s using up what little life she has left with all her scuttling around and trying to help prevent the apocalypse. She knows this. She gets weepy. She thanks Doc for giving her a much longer life than she would have otherwise had. He’s not weepy, because he’s the gruff type, but he’s sure swallowing hard, and repeatedly. She tells him not to spoil his image – “just light a cigarette and go and grumble.”
Helo addresses the volunteer pilots. They’ll need special skills. “Threading a needle while you’re on a rollercoaster special,” he clarifies.
Meanwhile, Lee addresses another small group that he’ll personally be leading into hell Cylon central.
And Adama is prepping his squadron. When they run out of ammo, “throw rocks,” he advises.
The good Cylons and Starbuck stand around Anders. They’re hoping to use Anders in a human remote control capacity to do stuff like fry the Cylon colony’s circuits. Only, in order to hook him up to the best possible hardware so that they can accomplish this, they need to move him to the CIC.
Adama needs someone to command the baseship and the fleet while he’s playing cops and robbers in the middle of that asteroid field with the bad Cylons. Just in case he doesn’t come back. He hands his lapel pins to Hoshi, of all people. Hoshi isn’t gonna cry, damn it! He plans on seeing Adama at the rendevzous! Adama won’t holding his breath waiting to get those lapel pins back, however. In fact, he informs Hoshi that if they don’t materialize in twelve hours, they won’t be making it, period.
Anders’ goo Jacuzzi has been moved to the CIC. There’s goo on everything. Gross. Adama wipes his hands. Tigh points out it’s not too late to flush “them” all outta the airlock. Meanwhile, Anders gets uploaded.
Lampkin has been promoted to President. “What goes around comes around,” gloats Lee. Hoshi and Lampkin get loaded onto a raptor. Because it’s important to get the head of the military and the head of the government someplace slightly safer than a decaying battleship which is preparing to fly kamikaze style into a nest of killer robots. Everyone salutes them. Including Lee.
It’s a last call, last raptor out sort of thing, Lee then announces. And yes, we knew there was a reason why Baltar was skulking around a lot, looking guilty these past few episodes. He decides to stay behind. This throws Paula for a loop, and Lee is pretty darn surprised, too.
Lee throws Baltar a semi-automatic by means of welcome. It’s not a pat on the back, but it’s not a kick in the teeth, either.
And then a whole bunch of Centurians report for duty. Someone has spray painted them with red marks – probably to help us figure out which Centurians are the “good” ones once they start to rumble with the bad ones later on.
Laura is helping to prepare sick bay for the inevitable massacre. The nurse explains that people who can’t be saved will be put off to the side. Laura wants to know how she’ll be able to tell who can’t be saved. The nurse is pretty sure she’ll know when the time comes. Brains and guts and other internal organs becoming external are probably one good clue.
Everyone on board mans (and Cylons) their stations.
Baltar’s a bit jumpy. Caprica surprises him from behind (but not in the old way that they used to enjoy). He thinks she’s shouldn’t be here. She reminds him she’s seen more battle than he has.
Adama addresses the crowd. This is the last battle. “She will not fail us if we don’t fail her,” he says of the ship. Action stations! They prepare to jump. Destination: That Place in the Middle of the Asteriod Belt, Right Next to The Place Where The Cylons Are Parked and Waiting. I’d like to see the glossy color travel brochure promoting that trip.
Immediately following the jump, there are indeed lots of space canons and lasers pointed right at ‘em. A shitstorm and a half ensues. Anders wakes up – because even a comatose robot couldn’t sleep through this frakkin’ racket. It’s a good thing he’s awake now, so he can take the Cylon colony ship offline with his magic mind control powers.
Here come the vipers led by Helo. The Galactica rams the colony ship and create their own landing bay upon impact. There’s smoke and darkness and chaos. A swarm of Centurian fight pilots appear. Lee and his crew rappel outta the ship, with their own pet Centurians in tow.
Lee and his crew takes their helmets off. So, we’ll at least be able to tell who gets smoked later on.
Starbuck, Helo and their gang are sneaking through the hallways. Bad Centurians materialize. Our intrepid heros pop a cap or two in their tin-can asses.
Meanwhile, Simon is sucking stuff out of Hera through a tube. Boomer is not impressed by his unwavering dedication to his job in the midst of the end of the world. She’s so not impressed, she snaps Simon’s neck and frees Hera.
Lee and his buddies are lockin’ and loadin’ some more.
Meanwhile, the Galactica is creaking and groaning. They try to tell Anders that he’s drawing too much juice from the old girl. Talk about pressure – it’s not enough that poor Sam is wielding magic mind control to disarm the enemy ship single-handedly? He has to do so gently?
Outside and around the colony – would you believe more chaos?
Cavil, a new Simon, and Doral stand over the body of the old dead Simon with the floppy neck – the one who has met with the business end of a rogue Boomer. It’s game on.
Caprica Six and Baltar are hunkering down at their post. Now Six is a little freaked. She’s proud of Baltar though for being here, instead of fleeing to safety, which is usually his thing. She always wanted to be proud of him. It was the only thing missing from their relationship, really. So, these extreme suicidal lengths Baltar has gone to have apparently worked in impressing Six. Finally. They make out. And guess what? Baltar isn’t the only one who hallucinates. They stop their liplock long enough to see the Imaginary Six and yes – an Imaginary Baltar – standing over them, pontificating about good and evil and what’s going to happen to humanity.
The bad guys blow a hole in Deck 21. Bad Centurians start pouring through it.
Meanwhile on the colony, Starbuck and her posse are still snaking through the hallways. Boomer appears before them, bearing Hera in her arms. Athena looks pissed. Boomer sucks it up and carries Hera forward to her mommy. Boomer says to tell the old man she owed him one. Athena shoots Boomer full of holes. Take that, you husband-frakking, child-stealing whore.
Flashback to the original Sharon/Boomer/Athena/Whoever facing Tigh and Adama. They are laughing at her rookie ineptness and tell her to find a new day job. Apparently she’s a bit of a screw up with the whole plane landing thing. Adama’s read her file. He knows she lost her family, and the service is all she has. Barely. He talks about her survivor’s guilt, and how she should get over it. He gives her one more chance. She owes him one. She’ll pay him back someday.
Fast forward to the present. Bloodied corpses start pouring into sick bay. Laura watches a soldier die before her.
Starbuck, Helo, Athena (with Hera in her arms) and the rest of their gang meet up with Lee and his gang. None of the other teams made it, probably because they didn’t have any of the primary cast members with them.
More things get blown up and catch on fire. Including about 70% of the Galactica.
Baltar and Six no longer have time to smooch. They are too busy showing some Centurians what for. Then Lee and the gang stream back through the hole with Hera in tow. Baltar fortunately doesn’t shoot them. Centurians try to follow them, and do try to shoot them. Lee covers while the others get away.
Laura sits in a blood-soaked medical gown and shoots up with her cancer medicine. She then has another vision of Hera skipping through the halls of the opera hall. Roslin struggles to stand, and begins walking, or limping, onward.
Uh oh – Doral comes out of nowhere with a gun. He fires on the rescue posse that is absconding with Hera. Helo gets shot in the back. Hera runs off. Athena wants to stay with Helo, but he tells her to get Hera. Helo is in bad shape. In the vision, Athena is chasing Hera through the halls of the opera house. Roslin is wandering the halls – both for real, and in the highly-stylized vision with red velvet wall coverings.
More Centurians. Lots more shooting.
Plus, now Cavil is on the loose. That can’t be good.
Roslin catches a glimpse of Hera dodging bullets in Galactica’s halls. She hobbles faster. She finds her, embraces her, scoops her up, and hides with her behind some crates as Cavil and his Centurian goons slither past. Doh! Roslin got distracted for a minute there, by the bad guys, and by the fact that she’s dying. She looks to the spot where Hera should be, only the frisky little tyke has wandered off again.
Baltar and Six are making their way through the hallways. Baltar’s out of ammo. They turn and see Hera nearby. Roslin catches up with Athena. They continue to search for Hera.
Six scoops Hera up, just like in the vision. And disappears through a doorway with her.
Baltar’s in the fancy dream now too. And he has long flowing Fabio locks. He takes Hera from Six, and the trio proceed to the Opera House. Or, for those who live in the real world, the CIC.
They look up and see Tigh, Ellen, Tory, Tyrol and Anders in his goo bath on the top deck of the CIC, and in the opera house. There’s some flashing back and forth between the cushy-looking hallucination, and the real deal. Adama sees they have Hera. Baltar puts her down. But then Cavil and his baddies appear out of nowhere. Cavil has a gun to Hera’s head. This thing is his people’s only chance for survival, and he’s not giving it up without a fight. Obviously.
Baltar says Hera isn’t a “thing” – she’s a child. And she’s the key to his people’s survival, too. How does he know that, Cavill asks? Baltar looks at his imaginary self. Oh, screw decorum, and trying to sound sane. He admits that he sees angels, and loved ones dead and risen, and all that. It’s the end of the world – what are they gonna do, commit him?
Cavil wants to know how they know God is on their side. Baltar says God’s not on any one side. He explains the whole leap of faith concept. Then Tigh tells Cavil they’ll give him and his kind resurrection technology, if he gives them Hera, and if the war ends here.
Adama wants to know how they can trust Cavil. Cavil throws the whole leap of faith concept right back at ’em, because he’s a smarty pants. He just needs to make a phone call, in which he commands the goons everywhere to stand down.
The flying Cylons disperse. Hot Dog is impressed.
Cavil lets Hera go.
The pilots returns to the Galactica. Now a live Doral stands over the dead Doral. Cylons (the bad kind and the good kind) and humans (the bad kind and the good kind) are all mulling around the CIC together. It’s kind of awkward.
Roslin wants to know what’s up with the good Cylons. Adama explains that they now have to help Cavil download the resurrection designs. They stand over Anders. Tory seems nervous. She just wants to make sure that everyone understands that this whole shared consciousness thing they are about to undergo will seem weird, and they all have dark secrets, right? And so they shouldn’t judge anyone who might have a slightly darker secret than the clueless sucker standing next to them. OK?
Cavil doesn’t want to rush them or anything, but they are “keeping two civilizations waiting.” The skin jobs plug into the goo bath. They all have a massive head trip. Whoooops. Tyrol sees that Tory killed Callie. He goes to choke the living artificial intelligence outta Tory. This messes up the Resurrection plan downloading thing just a tad. Doral says it’s a trick, and he tells his people to open fire.
Cavil takes this a bit too literally and blows his own head off.
Adama tells Starbuck to jump them the frak outta here. Only she doesn’t have the coordinates!
Or does she???
She flashes back to her special time with the Piano Guy, and those music notes. Aha. Bob Dylan is gonna save mankind! Her whole “but what if the notes represent numbers?” theory might not be so wacky after all……and she plugs in the numbers, which used to be musical notes, which….whatever.
They jump outta there.
Flashback to Lee and Starbuck doing those extra tequila shots back in Caprica City. Starbuck tells Lee she thinks about dying every time she gets into a cockpit. He thinks that’s really negative. What does scare her, he wants to know? Being forgotten, she admits.
The Galactica is looking like its on its last legs. But at least its on its last legs away from Cylon central, without Centurians kicking them in the shins repeatedly.
Adama asks Tigh for a damage report. Uh, that’s gonna be a long one.
Tyrol sits staring off into space.
Tigh reports that the Galactica has jumped her last jump. As if on cue, there’s still more creaking.
Roslin wants to know where Starbuck has taken them.
Wait – there’s Earth up ahead. Or at least some planet that hasn’t been nuked, and is a shiny, pretty, healthy shade of green and blue.
There’s a green grassy field. The gang reunite with Hoshi, who has led the rest of the fleet to safety as well. Hoshi figures now is as good a time as any to give those Admiral lapel pins back to Adama. Being the leader of all of humanity kind of sucks. Totally overrated promotion.
Anyway, they are hiding in the grass watching primitive tribesmen wandering around. It’s early man! Doc Cottle has done a little field research, and the DNA of these funny naked people seems to indicate they are indeed compatible life forms. Baltar would like to point out that this means they can breed with them! Score! He wants to get right to work on replenishing the human race. Adama figures they might as well stay here on this planet.
President Lampkin is making plans to re-create Caprica City. But Lee says no city – not this time.
Lee and Adama walk and talk. “Let’s break the cycle,” posits Lee. Why rebuild the old stuff – which will probably lead to the same old outcome? Adama complains that this is a bit remedial, this planet. Is Lee sure he wants to throw the baby out with the bathwater the cappucino makers out with the nukes? Lee’s pretty sure. Let’s impart “the best part of ourselves.” Let’s start anew, he continues, and not be so frakkin’ smart that we invent artificial intelligence, and hot babe robots who seduce men who have access to military defense computers, and stuff.
Back on the ship, Adama and President Lampkin are planning the relocation of the human race to that planet that doesn’t yet have cappucino makers. Lampkin is surprised that the people aren’t revolting!
Leoben reports that Sixes, Eights and Twos will stay, and see how they might contribute to the new world. Ellen says they are leaving the Cylon baseship to the good Centurians – they have earned their freedom, after all. Lampkin rightly poses the question: what if the Centurians evolve, again, and come back to wipe us all out, again? Ellen still wants to believe that all the hippie happy love stuff will prevail.
Meanwhile, with the people safely evacuated, Anders will fly the Galactica and the fleet directly into the sun. Just to increase the likelihood of the hippie happy love stuff prevailing, by wiping out the last remnants of that overrated, futuristic military technology.
Now Starbuck has to say goodbye to Anders for real. ’Cause flying into the sun sounds like more of a one-way ticket than the one Adama was ready to punch last episode. She holds his hand, and then kisses him goodbye. He says, “I’ll see you on the other side.”
Adama is in his flight suit, taking one last look around the Galactica. He fires up the viper and makes his exit.
Flashback to the interview for his cushy civilian desk job, which involves being strapped to a lie detector and being grilled about sensitive subjects by a bunch of pasty-faced bureaucrats. Are you a Cylon, they ask him? What kind of frakkin’ question is that?! They then ask if he’s stolen money, which is apparently even more insulting.
Frak this shit! He doesn’t want a stinkin’ day job, not if it means someone is “questioning my word.” And, more to the point, if it means putting up with these kinds of paper-peddling assholes in suits all day long. He’d rather keep flying a crappy old battleship!
One more flashback of a shiny, intact, athletic Anders back in the day, talking about the beauty of mathematics. Present day Anders sits comatose in his goo bath, left behind on the deserted Galactica, cruising into the sun.
Ellen, Tigh and Tyrol are strolling through a grassy field. Tyrol’s arranged to get dropped on an island in the middle of nowhere, ‘cause he’s sick of people – both the human and Cylon kind. Tigh says he would have done the same frakkin’ thing to Tory if she’d messed with Ellen. Ellen and Tigh embrace.
Flashback to Ellen and Tigh in the titty bar. She wants to celebrate his retirement from the service! No more measly “two weeks a year” vacation crap! He’s all hers now! They embrace. OK, so some more light has been shed upon that whole bitter thing she had going on.
And Ellen and Tigh are embracing in the grassy fields of the present once more.
Laura is watching some gazelle through binoculars. Adama sits by her side. “It’s a very beautiful world,” she says. “Does it have a name?” Earth, insists Adama. That dream they’ve been chasing for a long time. They’ve earned it. She struggles to breathe. He asks if she would like to get a better look at the gazelle. Adama lifts Roslin in his arms as Lee and Starbuck look on. He carries Roslin to the Viper.
Lee and Starbuck approach him. “I don’t have much time, son,” he says. Lee is weeping. Starbuck hugs Adama and says goodbye, too. She’s trying not to weep, but kind of failing. I’m trying not to weep, and definitely, positively failing.
Roslin waves goodbye from the co-pilot seat.
Lee tells Starbuck his earliest memory was of his dad flying away in a big plane, and wondering when he was coming back. He’s not coming back this time, he says. Starbuck decides now is a good time to mention that she’s not coming back, either. She doesn’t know where she’ll go, but her mission is done here.
Flashback to drunk Lee and Starbuck. She doubledog dares him to have sex on the table. They nearly frak, but as she writhes around and breaks a wine glass, this wakes up Zak. Doh! Lee figures he better get going. It’s OK. They’ll have plenty of time to screw around in the future.
Back in the present, amidst the grassy fields, Starbuck wants to know what Lee’s going to do with the first day of the rest of his life. He wants to explore! Climb mountains! Cross oceans! He looks across the field, and then turns back, and Starbuck isn’t there anymore. He’s all alone in the field with his grandiose adventure-man plans. He bids goodbye to Kara and assures her she won’t be forgotten.
Flashback to Roslin, who has finished giving her former student one heck of a pop quiz. She thanks him for the lovely evening, but says they won’t be doing it again. She asks him to show himself out and she lights a cigarette. Well, at least it wasn’t all doom and gloom back in Caprica City for poor Laura. She picks up the phone and calls Mayor Adar. She will join his campaign!
Adama and Roslin are flying over flamingo-filled shores. He tells her he’s looking for a quiet little place to build their log cabin. He looks over and realizes that her flight has already concluded. He finds the spot to build that log cabin, anyway.
Survivors trek across the field. President Lampkin is taking a head count. Athena, Hera and Helo are bringing up the rear – turns out Helo is just limping-with-a-cane injured, not dead. Hera frolics in the fields.
Baltar and Six look on. So do their imaginary alter egos. God’s plan is never complete, says Imaginary Six. But from now on, your lives will probably be a lot less eventful, adds Imaginary Baltar.
Flashback to Six and Baltar meeting up and smooching some more in Caprica City. He thinks he might be able to help her get a peek into the Defense mainframe, like Six wanted. Gosh – she’d be really “grateful,” she assures him. “We’ll put that to the test,” he says. “The things men do for love,” he adds.
Back in the field, in the present, on past Earth, they pick up their rucksacks, and are picking out a place for a log cabin of their own. Six is surprised to hear him use a word like “cultivation” and not in a sex euphemism way, either. But his dad was a farmer, remember?
Adama is sitting next to Roslin’s grave, and describing their future log cabin to her.
Hera is playing in a field. She looks up at the sky.
150,000 years later, an interesting scientific discovery has made news. Archeologists have found the remains of Mitochondrial Eve – the first human ever. Six and Baltar (presumably the Imaginary/angel/whatever ones) read the story from over Ron Moore’s some average guy’s shoulder at a newsstand. And then they walk through the crowded city streets. It reminds them of the first Earth, and Caprica before the fall, and yadda yadda. Technology progress is in full swing. There are robots everywhere. Deja vu!
Will history repeat itself? Well, what do you think?
OK, Battlestar fans. That’s it! That’s all they wrote!
And speaking of history repeating itself, you can watch all your old favorite BSG eps right here on Fancast!