A quick tip for any future “Survivor” contestants: If you’re going to talk titanic amounts of trash (or smack, whichever you prefer) make sure you’re going to be safe at Tribal Council. Recently ousted castaway Tyson Apostol learned that lesson the hard way.
But even with his dismissal, important questions remained: Why did he hate Sierra so much? Did he believe Coach’s bizarre stories? And, who should play Coach and Tyson if there’s ever a “Survivor: Tocantins” movie? We went straight to the source to find out…
Gordon Holmes: Tribal Council last night was a barrage of one-liners…
Tyson Apostol: Not true, it was me abusing Sierra, and then Sierra just whining.
Gordon: Fair enough, so one-liners in one direction. The naming each individual person you loved was gold…then heartbreak. Any idea that blindside was coming last night?
Tyson: You know, I should have seen it coming, but I figured I had the game all sown up. I was already spending money out there.
Gordon: I know, you were going to buy a fur, you were going to buy a tiara…
Tyson: And I was also going to get a Ferrari and dip it in gold.
Gordon: That would be awesome.
Tyson: Wouldn’t that have been rad?
Gordon: Would have been bad for gas mileage.
Tyson: Yeah, but when you have that much money it’s not about saving money on gas.
Tyson: But back at Tribal Council, I had no idea. I was 100% sure Sierra was going. I should’ve seen it because usually the people they have arguing at Tribal Council are the two people up for elimination, but I was blinded. When the second vote with my name came out I knew it was me, so I was like, “Keep it cool, Tyson.”
Gordon: If you had lost your cool, what would you have said?
Tyson: They asked me what I was going to say and I said, “(Many expletives deleted).” And then turned around and did a pelvic thrust. But me saying that would have been more for humor’s sake then out of anger.
Gordon: And we appreciate that.
Tyson: Expletives in a humorous manner are awesome, but in anger they kind of make you look stupid.
Gordon: Now you seemed to have a bit of anger aimed at Sierra, but they didn’t show why. I think I’ve figure it out. When you were running around naked earlier in the season, she was laughing. Is that when it started?
Tyson: No, it actually started before the game. In my early interviews I said I didn’t like her. You could just tell that she was an idiot. Like, everything she did, she did so everyone could see her and so she could get praise from other people. Now, I don’t mind stupid people and I don’t mind people who like to hear themselves talk. I like to hear myself talk, but I know that. But, Sierra doesn’t know that she likes to hear herself talk, and she doesn’t know she’s an idiot. So I was trying to take it upon myself to let her know. This show is perfect for her, because she’s finally going to get to see, on national TV that she’s an idiot. She’ll change her life for the better and go on to do something great.
Gordon: Did you buy Coach’s stories?
Tyson: You know, I couldn’t think of a reason for him to lie about that. Whether they’re his adventures or not, I assume they’re at least partly true. I still to this day don’t know what’s true or what’s false there.
Gordon: How come we didn’t hear the nickname “Assistant Coach” that often?
Tyson: A lot of the stuff you saw Coach doing on the show, like calling Stephen “Wizard” and coming up with the “Dragon Slayer” and stuff, he actually didn’t do a lot of that stuff around me. I don’t know if he knew that I’d have no part in any kind of witch craft or any kind of fantasy games or whatever.
Gordon: If they do make a “Survivor: The Movie,” and I’m hoping they do. It’s a no-brainer that Steven Segal should play Coach. But who would play you?
Tyson: Based on looks I’d say Owen Wilson.
Gordon: You don’t have the nose for it.
Tyson: Well, someone could punch me in the head. Oh, he’s playing me. They could straighten his nose out.
Gordon: Did you trust JT and Stephen at all?
Tyson: I thought they’d stick with us for a while, but I didn’t fall in love with them when I looked into their eyes like Coach did.
Gordon: And what happened with Erinn? I thought everyone hated her guts?
Tyson: Well, the thing with Erinn…if she was a superhero, her power would be the inability to bond with any human on any level at all. I really tried to talk to her and befriend her, but it was such a chore it wasn’t worth it. It was like talking to a robot.
Gordon: The only part of the show my mom cares about are Erinn’s extensions.
Tyson: I didn’t know we were allowed to do that. I would have gone in with a Bret Michaels hairdo.
Gordon: She’s a hairdresser, can’t she take them out?
Tyson: She could, but then her hair wouldn’t be so gorgeous. There was a point where she pulled some out and threw them in the fire and they smelled pretty bad.
Gordon: OK, it’s time for some word association. JT?
Tyson: Lovable nerd.
Tyson: Just one word?
Gordon: OK, a whole sentence.
Tyson: OK, one word, LARPing.
Tyson: Live action role playing.
Gordon: Jeff Probst?
Gordon: I was going to go with dreamy, but I think we’re on the same page.
Tyson: Dreamy is a great word. He’s a dreamy dreamboat.
Gordon: And finally, Sierra?
Tyson: This is going to get out, and then everyone’s feelings are going to get hurt, except for mine, cause I don’t have any. But I’d say “smash face.”
Gordon: What do you take from your time in Brazil?
Tyson: I got a sweet tan and my hair has blonde highlights. It’s way easier out there then having any kind of responsibility or job. It was like a vacation. But I got to make friends, and I got to be on TV, so I guess I can give my mirror a break for a while.
Gordon: And you got to wear a loincloth.
Tyson: Who’s to say I don’t wear those all the time?
Gordon: Yeah, but not on national TV.
Tyson: That is true.
Gordon: I always end my interview with that question, and it amazes me how many people say “Survivor” changed their lives.
Tyson: That’s ridiculous.
Gordon: You never hear the people on “Rock of Love” say that.