Jonathan Slavin and Malcolm Barrett’s “full frontal nerdity” on ABC’s comedy Better Off Ted can’t be denied. As the brilliantly quirky scientists Phil and Lem, the two are equal parts Pinky and Brain.
When they’re not occupied with isolating rat RNA and weaponizing pumpkins for the ethically-questionable Veridian Dynamics Corp., they’re busy collecting laughs from one of their many oddball debates. Consider this exchange from a recent episode: Phil: “You can’t hurt a baby.” Lem: “Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible.” Phil: “I mean it’s morally indefensible.” Lem: “What if a baby killed a man?”
Just in time for tonight’s first season finale, Slavin and Barrett, who are quite the characters in real life, were kind enough to oblige us in a special “Better Off Ted” version of the classic game “Would You Rather…?” Their hilarious responses, below.
Would you rather be cyrogenically frozen for a year, or forced to wear a mood-altering energy patch for a year?
Jonathan Slavin: I would rather wear a mood-altering patch for a year.
Malcolm Barrett: Mood patch!
JS: I don’t want to miss anything.
MB: I’ll wear a mood patch, but I’m still going to lie about how I feel.
JS: That’s good! I’ll still sublimate my rage.
MB: It’s like ‘are you mad?’ ‘No!’
JS: That’s like a woman!
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If you were real scientists, would you rather discover a pill that prevents obesity or Swine Flu?
MB: Obesity, ’cause no more fat people.
JS: Swine Flu, because it will save the world.
MB: You’ve got your reasons, I’ve got mine.
Would you rather spend eternity on a deserted island with Portia De Rossi or Jay Harrington?
MB & JS: [together] Portia!
JS: Portia and I are both gay vegans, so we have so much to talk about.
MB: I just think at some point she’s got to get naked.
JS: Well that would actually make me want to change mine to Jay.
MB: I don’t think she’d ever switch teams, though. It’d have to be the island from “Lost.”
Would you rather eat beef without cows or pork without pigs?
MB: I don’t want to eat any of those things. You [Jonathan] eat beef without cows now! Tofu and seitan!
JS: He says he wouldn’t eat any of those things, but I’m telling you, the first lunch break we had he’d be like ‘I’m hungry.’ He’d put them on a tortilla and go to town.
MB: I’d wrap it up.
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Would you rather die from a weaponized pumpkin or from using a solar-powered toaster oven?
MB: Weaponized pumpkin, because I feel like that’s a clean shot.
JS: I’d choose the weaponized pumpkin. My jewish people, in general, tend to bristle at the idea of oven death.
Would you rather win an Emmy or have Better Off Ted get picked up for a second season?
JS: I would rather have Better Off Ted get picked up for a second season.
MB: I would too, now that he said that.
JS: I have to say, there is something really gratifying about doing a show that you really feel a part of. I believe in what we’re doing. I’m not embarrassed to be in in this show. It is a ridiculously gifted, fun cast. Work is really fun for me. Malcolm would probably choose an Emmy. He’s young. I’m old. It’s all about quality of life for me until I’m ready for the grave.
Better Off Ted’s season finale airs tonight at 8:30 PM EST on ABC. Catch up on full episodes of the comedy here.