The “Twilight” Divide at Comic-Con

Twilight of the Choculas

The ridiculously popular teen vampire series Twilight and its upcoming sequel New Moon: The Twilight Saga were huge hits at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con – so much so that many signs were seen among the fanboy veterans saying that “Twilight Ruined Comic-Con,” a sentiment that often got cheers (although one must keep in mind that it’s not hard to get people to cheer for anything at the SDCC).

At first, you may think that’s just angry cooler-than-thou fans annoyed at the nerdy-come-latelys, but the single-minded devotion of Twilighters actually caused some problems for people at the con. The SDCC scheduled the Twilight panel in the middle of the day at the grand Hall H, and even though there were two big panels before it, many people in the huge line that wrapped around half the building were calling it “the Twilight line” anyway, which meant that a lot of people who cared about the other offerings were denied access by the glut of suckhead fans, and word also has it that the Avatar panel that followed Twilight was only about half full because of the arduous amount of time it took to get all the massive amount of vampire lovers to shuffle out of the room to let others in. (I know my attempts to get into that panel were foiled). There were also reports of storming lines to get exclusives, repeatedly going through until they got the Twilight prize and tossing any other highly coveted items into the trash, denying those that wanted the non-vamp stuff.

However, the franchise got an unlikely defender in Kevin Smith, who was dubbed “The Prince of Geeks” at his annual 90-minute BS-fest that has capped Saturday’s Hall H presentations for the last several years. He’s known for his penchant for snark, but even in the face of booing nerds, Smith explained why even the hardasses need to chill out on the Twilight hate. Read what he said after the jump, and keep in mind that Smith has a filthy mouth and an even filthier mind. You have been warned. Much dirty talk follows.

“That’s the next generation of fans,” Smith said, arguing against the boos. “That’s what I love about a comic book convention – people will come to a convention, stand there in a fucking Spock costume, look at somebody in a Chewie costume and say ‘look at that fucking geek!’ How dare you pass judgment on those 12-year-old girls who like vampires! They need to be encouraged, because in six years, they’ll be 18-year-old girls who like vampires! Don’t poo-poo it. There’s a plan and it’s working!”

Most people would have expected Smith to be in the fanboy ranks against the Twi’kers, but apparently fatherhood has changed his perspective. “I want to bring some Twilight shit back for my kid, because she likes it, too, which is weird. That’s why I don’t come down on it so hard. Believe me, if I didn’t have a kid, I’d be like ‘these Twilight people are fuckin’ retarded!’ But being that I have a kid and I see the power it has, I’m like “oh, no no. There’s something real going on.” Real dirty. It’s like porn for children. It reminds me of the old Hustler magazine. Back in the day when I worked at Kwik-Stop, they would have a pictorial, and a dude’s cock would be here, and the chick would be like this, just dangerously close. In every issue, so much so that it began to occur to me ‘oh, I guess if they touch, they can’t sell this book on the newsstand. There’s some sort of restriction, that makes sense.’ All of them were dangerously close. I worked at the store a lot, and I would lock the door, go back to the bathroom with the magazine and fold the page over slightly and then set it up against the wall and go to work. Twilight seems like that. It’s all about ‘I want to kiss you I want I want, but I can’t.’ So I take Twilight and I put the pages together.”

Yep. That’s the kind of talk that flows freely at Kevin Smith panels. He did make Zack and Miri Make a Porno, you know. Further evidence of his state of mind is how he described the experience of watching the new footage from New Moon at their panel.

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CHeck out all the New Moon Comic-Con panel action right here!

“I watched that clip,” Smith said. “You could barely hear the clip, they’re all screeching. At one point, the chick Bella gets on a bike and shit and she’s hanging out with the wolf boy. She’s like ‘I’m gonna fuckin’ take off on this bike’ – she doesn’t say that, but my dialog is better, I assure you. It doesn’t have to be great dialog, it just has to feel tween-angsty and that’s perfect. Then she wrecks on a rock and shit because she saw the fang boy – she saw Rob Pattinson and reacted like every 12-year-old girl in the world. Then the wolf boy runs over and shit and it’s adorable! He runs over and says “are you okay?” And it’s a long beat that I hope gets edited down before the movie comes out. He’s just like “let me help you” and he fuckin’ rips his shirt off! This dude who’s the equivalent of a 16-year-old boy – and you can bounce a quarter off his pecs and shit. He’s got a six-pack and not a fuckin’ beer store. And you just hear the whole audience go AAAAAAH! Even if you’re watching the clip on Youtube, you can just feel the room get moist!”

And of course, Smith took it a step further. “That motherfucker is the king of the world right now. Rob Pattinson? I hope he is fucking up a storm, man, and I’m not even talking about his key audience – the 12-year-old girls, of course, naturally if he wants to stay employed he’ll stay away from them. I’m talking about their mothers, you know? All these older chicks that read Twilight. My old lady read Twilight and she said “look, you know, it’s not for me, but I can see where it’s very romantic for a young girl’ and she had a sparkle in her eye! Then she started wearing Team Edward shirts around the house! What kinda nonsense is this? I hope Rob Pattinson’s taking full advantage. Older chicks teaching him shit. Never mind fucking his own age – fuck a cougar, man. Fuck a woman who’ll teach you a thing or two, you scrawny toothpick you! Just going ‘I’ll make you glisten and shimmer!'”

So there you go, backlashers. Ease up on the screaming kids who like Twilight, because they may be tomorrow’s cool chicks. Just be glad there are only four books and not seven.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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