Here is a collection of quotes from ‘The Office’ about life.
I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one…and that’s out under the porch.
— Dwight Schrute, from season two’s“Office Olympics.”
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.
— Michael Scott, from Season two’s “Christmas Party.”
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
— Dwight Schrute, explaining why he didn’t tip the sandwich delivery guy in season two’s “Michael’s Birthday.”
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don’t have a butler I have to do it myself… so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out six strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.
— Michael Scott, explaining his favorite breakfast routine, in Season two’s “The Injury.”
I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.
— Michael Scott, expressing his need to give generously (to multiple partners?) in season two’s “Casino Night.”
Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
— Short-term Jim Halpert girlfriend Karen Filippelli, asking perhaps the Scranton branch’s most obvious question, in season three’s “The Merger.”
When someone gives you odds like 10,000 to 1, you take it. If John Melencamp ever wins an Oscar, I’m gonna be a very rich dude.
— Kevin Malone, explaining his philosophies on long odds and opportunity, in season three’s “Safety Training.”
People assume I’m great at golf, but like everybody I hated golf lessons when I was a kid so, I used to just hang out with the sailing club instead. Got my knot on.
— Andy Bernard, exposing a hidden talent, in season four’s “Job Fair.”
No! No, no, no, no, no. She’s hot. OK? Because if you are saying that Hilary Swank isn’t hot, then you’re saying I’m not hot because obviously I’m not as hot as Hilary Swank!
— Kelly Kapoor, showing off her unique ability to make even mundane celebrity conversation all about her (and before running out of the room crying) in season “Prince Family Paper.”
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But…cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no… government, and things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.
— Michael Scott, working through his affection for newborns, in season five’s “The Baby Shower.”