‘True Blood’ Season 2 Finale: The Wedding Crashers

'True' Lovers Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin (HBO)

'True' Lovers Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin (HBO)

Faster than you can say Bon Temps blood bath, Season 2 of HBO’s summer phenomenon ‘True Blood‘ is already over.

After a stellar second year, which broke ratings records week after week, Sunday night’s finale had a lot to live up to in their rabid fans’ spellbound eyes. The highly anticipated episode promised mayhem and sacrifice…and there was plenty of both!

The hour fulfilled its obligations in wrapping up loose ends from this season, while taking a bite into a new mystery for next season with a cliffhanger that will have fans gossiping over the long nine months till Season 3 premieres next summer.

Now let’s get to the gory details:

All Hail Bridezilla!
Turns out Bon Temps zombie-fied revelers were throwing a wedding! A wild, white wedding, where the goddess of all the town’s chaos Maryann planned to offer up shape-shifting Sam as the ‘vessel’ to bring ‘the God who comes’ (not very catchy, is it?)–and make the horny (ha, get it?) God her husband. While most men think a trip to the altar is a sacrifice, I’m sure this isn’t the kind Sam Merlotte had in mind when he let Vampire Bill talk him into surrendering. Promptly tied to the ‘meat tree’ and knifed in the gut by Maryann’s henchmen Eggs before a horrified Sookie and a giggling wedding congregation on Gran’s destroyed front lawn.

Sookie had the ‘honor’ of being forced to be the supernatural force’s maid of honor. Maryann even had the nerve to wear Gran’s wedding dress (Sookie might need that later, turns out), but not before one more face-off between Sookie and Mare, who’s fascinated with Sookie’s new secret power. When Sookie fails to generate sparks from her fingertips, Maryann got in what would be one of her final quips: “That’s hitting me. You’re not committing to this at all!”

The entire welcome to bridesmaid hell scene (I can’t even talk about the licking of the egg ‘tradition’), with someones “borrowed, old and blue,” was upstaged by bridesmaid Lafayette, in a white Grecian gown, the very moment he golf-clapped behind Sookie. In the words of Dear Eric, it was ‘superb.’

“What’s with The Egg? Did you lay it?”
By the by, after being teased with thoughts of some egg-cellent reveal or a truly twisted twist, turns out ‘The Egg’ Eggs and Tara were nesting was just…an egg. An ostrich egg, precisely, to represent fertility in another component of the matrimonial maenad’s grand delusion.

After waiting hundreds of years for this dude to arrive, I was a bit disappointed that Maryann fell hook, line and claws for the glorious white bull that appeared in the woods–we all immediately knew this was a shape-shifted Sam, right? It was still a sick pleasure to watch him gore her in the gut, as she was practically orgasmic over being taken–she who had stolen his teen-wolf virginity all those years ago–and rip out her black, decayed heart.

Nice touch having Vampire Bill secretly in cahoots with the plot to destroy the maenad once and for all–he let a stabbed Sam feed off of him so he could heal and shape-shift into the second phony ‘God who comes’ (I prefer Jason’s antler gas-mask version better though!) to trick Maryann into submission.

Michelle Forbes made a memorable entrance and momentous exit on the series. She first appeared naked as Eve in the middle of the road with a pig, and last appeared as a crispy corpse bride after being gored to death by a white bull. Well played, all around.

Queen of the Damned…Bad Actresses
So much promise came with the addition of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, in the final two episodes of the season, but Evan Rachel Wood’s wooden, over-the-top performance has been a disappointment.

Compound that by 10 when die-hard Eric fans discovered the flying Viking vamp was in just one scene in the finale. Enjoyable as it was to see Eric replace Bill at the Yahtzee table, his tete-a-tete with the Queen failed to satisfy our appetites.

“I could own your fangs as earrings, understand,” said a fanged-out Sophie-Anne to Eric, when she discovered that Bill knows about her little vampire blood-dealing scheme. Seems she’s the one ordering Eric to order Lafayette to peddle the addictive potion–which Eric alluded to was her majesty’s own blood. He promises to deal with Billy, personally (may be pivotal later).

P.S. If Eric’s sucking at anything, I’m okay with it being Yahtzee. As long as it’s not sucking face with the royally annoying queen, we’re good.

Tortured Lovers
It was heartbreaking to watch Tara mourn the death of Eggs (which was inevitable, no matter how cheesy it ultimately went down), but it was more upsetting to see Jessica and Hoyt torn apart. Jessica reverts to bad-vamp tendencies with a truck-stop treat, while flower-bearing Hoyt forgives her for biting his over-bearing mama and made a surprise visit to her empty house.

Dear Alan Ball, Please find a way to keep Maxine Fortenberry under some crazy spell–she was a hoot!

The Dirty Dozen, Minus 10
Forget Sookie and Bill (or Beeel, as she regularly over-does it). And even Eric and Pam for that matter. The best duo on this show is Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur! They’re like the ‘Dumb and Dumber’ version of Butch and Sundance.

It was hilarious to see just the two of them go guns-blazing into the Stackhouse yard of townsfolk to save the day a la Rambo and Dirty Harry…and the Wedding Crashers lasted about 6.2 seconds before they became hypnotized with the creepy black eyes just like everyone else. (Who all conveniently have no memory of it the next morning, which leads to some hilarious gossiping at the bar, along with a cameo of Sookie Stackhouse creator Charlaine Harris).

Words of Wisdom from Jason Stackhouse
“Not with ‘Kid Glock’ on my side.”–Jason and his gun, on not being afraid of raiding the wedding party.

“If a tree falls in the woods, it’s still a tree.”–Jason trying to convince Andy they are still heroes, even though they don’t remember failing their mission to save the town.

A Wack Wedding, and Then A Proposal
After a whirlwind night of saving the day (er, night), like Southern Goth Jack Bauer bandits, Suk-key and Beeel head to a French restaurant for a romantic evening, because Bill hears humans enjoy those. Romantic indeed, as it turns out Mr. Compton proposes marriage (with plane tickets to Vermont, in another symbolic nod to the show’s gay allegory) to an overwhelmed Sookie, who doesn’t want to grow old and decrepit alongside a sexy immortal.

Tearfully taking an ill-advised detour to the ladies room (who else expected Eric to appear to her in there?!) before bursting out of the doors saying, ‘Yes! Bill Compton!’…to an empty table.

In the split second it took Sook to collect herself, a velvet-gloved, silver-chain wielding mystery person wrapped the vampire kryptonite around Bill’s neck and stole him away! And here’s your juicy cliffhanger for the season, kids! What the heck happened to Bill?

Prime suspect is, of course, Eric, who promised to handle nuisance Bill himself, but that seems a.) too obvious, and b.) not his style. The gloves are a giveaway that it’s likely another vampire though.

I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of Lorena, Bill’s maker, who had her heart broken by the more humanized Bill at the vampire lair in Dallas, and who has already been summoned once by Eric to taunt Bill. She’s my pick. For now.

Best Quotes

“I’m a waitress. What the f*ck are you?”—Sookie to Maryann

“I heard about your maker…that blows.”—the ever-sensitive Queen to Eric, on losing his beloved Godric

“You suck at this.”—Sophie-Anne to Eric, on his Yahtzee skills

“He’ll come running like a dog. Maybe even as a dog.”—Maryann to Sookie, about shape-shifter Sam coming to rescue her.

“I’d wear him like a scrunchie.”—a lady admirer of Sam Merlotte’s backside

“You may have faults Andy, but at least you got your pants on.”—Sheriff Dearborne, who’s a boxers man, to Andy, upon reinstating his badge

Burning Questions

~Who vamp-napped Bill?!

~Just what is Sookie Stackhouse anyway?

~Why is Queen Sophie-Anne ordering Sheriff Eric to sell vampire blood?

~Who are Sam’s real (bad) parents?

~How long before Andy and Jason get caught covering up Eggs’ real shooter?

~Will star-crossed vamp lovers Romeo and Juliet (aka Hoyt and Jessica) reunite?

~Did Bill and Jessica have a “moment” at the door before setting out for their respective dates or was it just me?

~What is the deal with cousin Hadley?

~Has Lafayette finally gotten his mojo back?

~And will the perpetually screwed over Sam and Tara ever find true love?

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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