If you are a single male television character who is having trouble attracting the woman of your dreams, there is a simple solution: become a vampire. It may seem counterintuitive. After all, no woman has ever written, “I am seeking a serial killer who will always be fighting his urge to mutilate me,” on her match.com profile. There would seem to be many disadvantages to dating a vampire. First of all, he can only go out at night. No romantic walks on the beach for him. Second, he can never order anything at restaurants. That could be awkward. Third, the damsel must sleep with one eye open at all times lest he succumb to his urge to suck every ounce of blood out of her body or, worse, stand by her bed for hours watching her sleep. That is creepy, not romantic, Edward Cullen!
So why are the undead considered so damn sexy? And why vampires, specifically? No one is hot for zombies. Academics argue that being bitten is a literary metaphor for sex, specifically loss of virginity. The obsessive nature of vampire lust also makes him an appealing fantasy. Nothing is more important to a vamp than the object of his obsession. A vampire would never blow off a girl to play fantasy football with his boys. Actual baseball, maybe, but only if he is one of those wussy Cullens. Every TV vampire — even Nick Knight from Forever Knight — is cooler than the Cullens. In fact, TV vampires are consistently better boyfriends than their mortal fictional counterparts. Consider the evidence as we compare and contrast them below. And remember, once you go vampire, you’ll always aim higher.
Booth is an FBI Agent who works tirelessly to solve crimes. He also served his country as an Army Ranger. Angel is a P.I. whose mission is to help the helpless. They’re both stand up guys, with a facility for the dryly witty clip. Let’s stipulate that they are both equally attractive David Boreanaz lookalikes. Both have their issues with women. Sex with his true love Buffy turned Angel into the diabolical Angelus. That led to the death of Buffy’s beloved teacher and the near destruction of the world. Once Angel was resouled, they were forced to settle for a disappointingly chaste relationship. On the other hand, at least Buffy and Angel’s relationship actually happened. Booth only had sex with Bones in a DREAM SEQUENCE. Then when he woke up he had apparent amnesia. Who would ever want to date a guy who cannot bring himself to pursue a girl in real life? And a guy who forgets all about the girl? Nobody, that’s who. Plus, Angel will sing Barry Manilow at karaoke. Watch full episodes of Bones here, and full episodes of Angel here.
STEFAN SALVATORE/Vampire Diaries ♥ CHUCK BASS/Gossip Girl
Both guys are hot teenagers who look and act wise beyond their years. Chuck uses his vast sums of money and lack of parental supervision to buy a burlesque club and attempt to run a multi-national corporation. Stefan is wise beyond his years because he’s a really, really old man who thanks to vampirism will always look young and beautiful. Sexy as he is, Chuck is a lousy boyfriend. For so long he torpedoed his relationship with Blair because he could not bring himself to tell her he loved her, and something tells us whatever is going on now is not bound to last. He handles stress with casual sex and drugs. He never met a taboo he did not delight in breaking. Stefan, based on the pilot at least, is a one – OK, two -woman man. He immediately fell for Elena because she looks just like his dead love Katherine. He is unafraid to show his feelings, immediately agreeing to attend a party with Elena and admitting that he keeps a diary. He is also polite, waiting for Elena to invite him inside before he enters her home. He even has a ring that allows him to go outside in the daylight. When Chuck wears jewelry he is merely accesorizing. Watch full episodes of Vampire Diaries here and full episodes of Gossip Girl here.
BILL COMPTON/True Blood ♥ TIM RIGGINS/Friday Night Lights
Bill and Tim are both small town heartthrobs with bad reputations. Every human in Bon Temps is suspicious of Bill just because he is a vampire. Sure, he used to kill people but he is reformed now that synthetic blood is available. No one gives Riggins credit for renouncing his partying ways, either. But Bill is a far better boyfriend. He is a stand up guy who is willing to risk his life for Sookie and frequently stand up to his fellow vampires. He is the poster child for personal responsibility, acting as a ward to the girl he was forced to turn into a vampire. Tim, not having hundreds of years of life experience, frequently lets Lila down. He resents Lila’s attempts to help him win a college scholarship. He makes a drunken ass out of himself. Sure, his heart is in the right place, but in the long run he is always going to choose failure over success. Watch clips of True Blood here and full episodes of Friday Night Lights here.
The millions of loyal Alex O’Laughlin fans will crucify anyone who says anything negative about their man on-line. Fortunately, his beloved character Mick St. John handily wins the battle of the TV P.I. boyfriends. Mick’s pursuit of Beth is mildly creepy since he has been watching over her since she was a child. But hey, it worked for Celine Dion and Rene. He is open about his identity and strives to protect her from the dangers of human-vampire lust. He tells her that he loves her before they kiss. In contrast, Shawn has pined for Juliet for years and never done anything about it. In fact, the wimp is currently dating his former high school girlfriend because he can’t bring himself to make a play for Juliet. He has never admitted to her that he is faking his psychic powers. Shawn would make for more entertaining company, but Mick is the man worth dating. See a Moonlight photo gallery here and watch full episodes of Psych here.
BARNABAS COLLINS/Dark Shadows ♥ DON DRAPER/Mad Men
Don Draper has become the thinking woman’s fantasy boyfriend. This is ironic given that he treats women like dirt. His wife Betty is leading a life of quiet desperation in large part because he does not see her as more than a trophy. The numerous other women he has bedded are always left worse for the experience. Rachel, the one he actually loved, fled the country to avoid him. During the actual 1960s there was another man with a false identity who set women’s hearts aflutter: vampire Barnabas Collins, who appeared in the cult phenomenon Dark Shadows. Barnabas told the Collins’ family that he was their British cousin, when he was in fact a centuries-old vampire. Dick Whitman, eat your heart out. He originally was far worse than Don, killing people with aplomb. But over time, he came to feel genuine remorse for his actions and truly fell in love with Victoria. Still, he continued to revert to the dark side on occasion. More tormented then heroic, Collins could not be said to be good boyfriend material until Johnny Depp decided to play the role in the film version of Dark Shadows. As gorgeous as Jon Hamm is, Depp is always, always the better man. Watch a clip of Dark Shadows here and full episodes of Mad Men here.
Advantage: Barnabas — by a margin of Depp