90210: Blame It On The Alcohol

90210 (The CW)

90210 (The CW)

This episode of 90210, in the grand tradition of the Original Recipe, delivers an important life lesson: alcohol is bad, mmkay? The more you know! Unlike the original, this message is imparted in a fairly subtle way, with no dialogue indicating that the demon rum is to blame for all of the characters’ problems.

Alcohol Turns You Into A Sex Offender

Mark, the sketchy senior who took nude photos of Annie, warns her that Jasper is a psycho who pulled a knife on someone. That seems less creepy then taking photos of a girl who was too drunk to consent to anything. I don’t know why Annie would listen to a word he said. In fact, I don’t know why she doesn’t punch him in the face every time she sees him. But Annie still is not the best judge of character. She blows Jasper off and agrees to spend the evening with Mark. Jasper watches creepily as she drives away. They have a picnic on the beach, complete with a bottle of wine that Mark stole from his parents. When Annie pulls away from a kiss he creepily tells her not to be a tease or a prude. He’s full on attempting to rape her when Jasper arrives and saves the day. The next time we see Annie, she isn’t crying or upset. Nor has she called the police to report Mark. She’s perkily walking around with Jasper like they’re on a date. Jasper assures her he never pulled a knife on anybody. Of course, Jasper later pulls out a knife and slashes the tires on Mark’s car. I wish he’d slashed Mark. The guy is a dangerous sexual predator. Team Psycho Jasper! So basically both of the guys after Annie are violent I wanted to do her bodily harm last season, but this seems excessive.

Alcohol Turns Your Children Against You And Possibly Gives You Cancer

Silver tells Kelly that Jackie has breast cancer. Kelly has no interest in reconnecting with her, while Silver is torn. She visits Jackie and learns she has about three months to live. Jackie asks Silver to move back home. Kelly tells Jackie to leave Silver alone, and Jackie reluctantly agrees. Kelly and Silver have a huge argument about it. Kelly’s position is that Silver can’t handle this because of her bipolar disorder. I am on team Silver here. She could have a lifetime of regrets if they don’t spend her final few months together. Silver agrees with me and moves in with her mother.

Alcohol Turns You Into A Babbling Idiot

Harry invites himself to be Ryan’s wing man at a bar in Silverlake. He gets drunk and ends up cockblocking Ryan. The way the show is edited, it appears they are getting wasted well before dark. Harry and Ryan are bigger drunks than Jackie. Rob Estes goes completely over the top in his drunk scene. When he gets home, he calls Debbie “Kelly”. Oops.

Alcohol Makes You Fall For Jen’s Bull

The only actual drinking in this storyline is Jen, who slings back beers with Ryan. But either Naomi’s drunk or she’s even stupider than I thought. Jen manipulates Naomi into giving her 100 grand, ostensibly to pay a divorce lawyer to break her pre-nup. Someone needs to explain the concept of billable hours to Naomi. Jen uses the money to buy a racehorse, then tell Naomi that her wealthy suitor Eduardo bought it for her.

Sobriety Also Makes You Stupid

Adrianna tells Navid she needs to figure out who she is besides Navid’s girlfriend and breaks up with him. I believe that Adrianna just pulled a Kelly Taylor. But I’m wrong because Adrianna immediately texts the news to Teddy. 1990s week on the CW continues: The Cranberries play in the background as Adrianna and Teddy kiss at Muscle Beach. First Sonic Youth on Gossip Girl and now this. What’s next? The Breeders on Vampire Diaries? Adrianna is hurt when Teddy tells her he doesn’t believe in relationships and decides she wants Navid back. He tells her that he knows she kissed Teddy — Teddy told him. He wants nothing more to do with him. Adrianna should have stuck with her original instinct: she needs to spend some time alone.

Department of WTF?

At the end of the episode, with no preamble, we learn that Dixon and geriatric Sandy are still hooking up.

Liam has something mysterious under a tarp. I am truly stumped. My best guesses are:

A) Perpetual motion machine

B) Reanimated corpse of Jasper’s uncle

C) A bomb designed to kill his evil stepfather

D) A vastly expanded version of the essay he wrote in last week’s episode


You’re offering me romantic advice? You couldn’t even keep you high school James Dean happy. – Jen

Anybody lame enough to see Barry Manilow deserves what they get. – Mark

It’s not like he’s gone off to war or married some wealthy duchess… It’s Navid, not George Clooney. – Naomi


The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

Comments are closed.