Melrose Place: You Hurt My Mother And Now You’re Going To Pay

Melrose Place (The CW)

Melrose Place (The CW)

Remember how the police were about to arrest Ella last week? Assume that they’re on vacation, along with Auggie. This is Melrose Place. As long as you pay the rent on time, continuity is optional.

Dr. Mancini, Meet Dr. Freud

Violet reads a letter from Sydney to Auggie saying that Michael brings out her worst demons. She guzzles Red Bull then shows up at Michael’s office and tells him she thinks she’s having a heart attack. She takes off her shirt so he can examine her. Michael doesn’t charge her for the visit. When he accepts her invitation to come by Kohl, she gives him a bunch of free drinks. His wife Vanessa calls, begging him to leave. Violet follows him to his car and makes out with him in his McLaren. That’s right, She makes out with her mother’s ex-husband. This is the MP version of Sophocles. It is logistically awkward, in case any of you have ever contemplated having sex in a car with winged doors. Michael comes home to find Violet interviewing to be his babysitter. This girl is crazy. I’m going to defend Ashlee Simpson’s bizarre acting style as suitable for the character. Violet tells him she’s Sydney’s daughter. She shows him cell phone cam footage of their make out session and tells him he will pay for what he did to Sydney.

Ain’t No Party Like A Hooker Party

Lauren agrees to go to a party on a boat with a bunch of other hookers. This show continues to make whoring look like great fun. I bet sex traffickers are going to use it as a propaganda film to lure Eastern European women into a life of untold horrors. Another hooker tels Lauren to be prepared for girl-on-girl action. That might improve the ratings. David shows up to meet an art fence named Hassan. Lauren is terrified he will see her and flees the docked boat. I don’t understand why the hooker boat isn’t moving. It seems like they would be less likely to get caught if they were on the water, not to mention the whole motion of the ocean cliche. Hassan wants David to steal a statue for him. When David refuses, Hassan’s men beat him. Lauren finds him bleeding in the courtyard and insists he go to the hospital. Of course, Michael ends up as his doctor. He orders Lauren to find out what happened. He admits that he was in a fight.

Keeping It Real… Boring

When Riley drops off Jonah’s equipment at a photo shoot, a jeans designer (Southland’s Kevin Alejandro) decides that she should be his new model because she’s “real.” This is so ridiculous and cliched. How does he even know Riley will photograph well? But Ella is tasked with convincing Riley to do it. I continue to wonder why publicists are involved in decisions that have nothing to do with media relations. Riley, being a living saint who only enjoys helping children, is not interested. Is she crazy? Nobody would turn down this opportunity, especially since she will earn ten grand for a week’s work. When she realizes that Jonah is so broke he is on the verge of selling his camera, she reconsiders. I hope the designer goes bankrupt because he hired the most boring woman alive to be the face of his brand.


Models are real people too. – Ella

I am as serious as a shoe sale at Barney’s. – Ella

I invented a drink just for you: the M.D. Because after you drink it, you’re going to need one. – Violet

You hurt my mother, and now you’re going to pay. – Violet, to Michael

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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