Melrose Place: Nobody Really Wants to Teach Public School

Melrose Place (The CW)

Melrose Place (The CW)

Dear Melrose Place:

Never, ever center an episode around Riley and Jonah again. They are Ambien in human form. Thank God Amanda Woodward is riding to the rescue soon.

Riley Is A Special Snowflake

It’s Riley’s improbable fashion shoot. Jo is the photographer! She is now an acclaimed photo journalist who turned to fashion photography because it is more lucrative. To my delight, Riley is a lousy model. Jo complains to Ella that she is a total amateur then asks her to take her top off. She does not want to do it, but Ella reminds her she is getting paid ten grand and gives her a supportive pep talk. The shots are just backless which does not seem like a big deal to me. I’ll be happy to show people my shoulder blades for ten grand. When Jo goads her about being uptight, she quits. So selfish! Does she even care how much time and money she wasted? I think it is Jonah and Riley’s belief that the whole world should cater to their whims that binds them together.

Riley vents to Auggie about her failure at the shoot. Violet is jealous of their closeness. Riley asks Auggie if she is too young to get married. If you have to ask, the answer is yes. Jo drops by the apartment building and runs into Riley. Unfortunately Riley has inspired her to return to photojournalism. Anton liked the photos after all, so she gets the money and the modeling career. Riley is even more of an annoying Mary Sue than season 1 Annie on 90210.

Jonah Is Also a Special Snowflake

Jonah has a meeting at Paramount with Andrew Mischer, a big producer. I can relate to his excitement at having a drive on pass. That was a nice authentic L.A. moment. Andy likes the story and the characters but not the backwards gimmick of Living In Reverse, probably because he realizes Memento already did it. He tells him to change the lead to a woman and lose the black and white. Jonah is disappointed that a huge producer has notes for him because how could a guy who has made billions of dollars know more than a guy who has never made a full length movie? Andy’s development exec Kendra likes Jonah’s film just the way it is and wants to develop it into a feature. She invites him to work on the pitch for his movie at hot industry hang out Katsuya. He tells her he has plans because he senses she is coming on to him. Okay, why do so many women want Jonah? He is not hot or charismatic or funny or even particularly nice. Yet both Ella and Kendra are pining after him. I do not buy it.

Violet stirs the pot by telling Jonah that Riley went to Auggie’s house after the shoot. Jonah has a beta male confrontation with Auggie about Riley. Auggie mentions the kiss, not realizing that it is news to Jonah. Jonah downs a bunch of champagne then asks Riley if anything is going on with Auggie. He does not by her reassurances that she only wants him. So he storms out and meets Kendra at Katsuya. Well, that will convince Riley that she better marry you right quick, wimpster.

The Hooker, The Thief, His Father, and Her Madam

David finds one of Lauren’s past due bills. He offers to loan her all the money she needs, interest free. David is a consistently good friend to everyone in the building. I find him so much more likeable then nice guy Jonah who is filled with haterade for everyone but Riley and Ella. She accepts, seeing her ticket out of the hooker life. I am still wondering why it never occurred to her to borrow money before. He buys security codes and blueprints from a guard. Lauren sees them and follows him to a house. The jewelry falls out of his bag. She is appalled. I agree that stealing hurts other people, while prostitution is really only hurting Lauren. She asks him why he is doing it. He tells her he only steals from white collar criminals like Michael. Lauren no longer wants his money. She will keep his secret provided he never steals again. She gets a call from her Madam halfway through her moralistic lecture. Hee.


Models are like jeans. You just have to break them in a bit. – Ella

You’re one of those girls who can’t walk into a room without everyone falling in love with them. It’s disgusting, actually. – Ella, to Riley

Riley’s chest has seen the light of day about as often as the latest Usher album. – Ella

Nobody really wants to teach public school and marry some guy who can’t even pay the bills. – Jo

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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