90210: (Half) Birthday/Sex

90210 (The CW)

90210 (The CW)

An episode of ‘90210′ has about one quarter of the plot of an episode of ‘Gossip Girl.’  There are so many scenes where absolutely nothing happens.  Note the little progress from beginning of the episode to the end.

Miscarriage of Justice

Harry gets Dixon reinstated on the surfing team.  He is not interested because he is still feeling bad about Geriatric Sasha’s “miscarriage.”  When he tells his parents he wants to check on Sasha, Debbie breaks the news that the crazy old woman was never pregnant.  Instead of being rightfully pissed at Sasha, he is furious that Debbie did not tell him the moment she found out.  He has a point, but loses me when he says Debbie is not his real Mom.  Really?  I’d say stopping psycho Sasaha from ruining his life proves she is very much his parent.  Dixon has become such a jerk this season.  I hope Debbie tells him he can wash his own clothes and cook his own dinner since he does not appreciate her parenting.

Silver Will Have To Start Celebrating Her Quarter Birthday

Silver is doing a great job of managing Jackie’s care.  Jackie does not recall any of Silver’s past accomplishments because she was in an alcoholic haze for all of them.  Silver decides against celebrating her half birthday.  She tells Teddy the story of how she came to celebrate her half birthday.  When she was 10 Jackie got trashed on her real birthday and she had to cancel her party. Silver tells Adrianna she bonded with Teddy over their common history with their ill mothers.  Adrianna pretends to approve of their friendship then takes a handful of pills.  Teddy bonds with Jackie while Silver runs an errand.  Jackie surprises Silver by decorating the house for all the birthdays she missed.  Jackie tells her Teddy helped plan it.  Somehow, Silver and Teddy have become the show’s most rootable couple. She apologizes for all the times she was not there for Silver.  She is throwing a big party for all Silver’s friends the next day. Silver is touched that her Mom has given her happy memories.  I duck to avoid the huge anvil that is headed directly for my head.  Sure enough, the next morning, Silver wakes up to find that Jackie died in her sleep.  Now she will dread both her birthday and her half-birthday.  That seriously sucks.

Annie Finally Cashes In Her V Chip

Naomi gives Adrianna $150 to buy Silver’s half-birthday present. Jasper tells Navid that he is not a drug dealer and resents him telling Annie that he was.  He claims people spread rumors about him because he’s unpopular.  He is quite convincing — a far better thespian than Annie.  Jasper tells Annie he showed part of his movie to his producer father, who wants Annie to audition for a small role in a Shia LaBoeuf movie.  I thought he was lying, because no real producer would find Annie talented.   Annie tells Jasper she loves him, proving that neither of the Wilson children are capable of accurately judging the accurate sex.  Jasper says he wanted to say the L word first. The dude is slick and the most compelling character on the canvas.  Navid sees Adrianna buying from Jasper, using the money Naomi gave her.  He asks why she is using again.  She hangs up on him.  Annie does not get the part in the movie.  Maybe Jasper got his Dad to let her audition so he could look like a stud.  Jasper makes a speech about how beautiful and vulnerable she is that would get any teenage girl to drop her panties.  It works.  She tells him she wants her first time to be with him and finally punches her V card.  There’s a very realistic shot of him fumbling to unhook her bra that is more graphic than the Gossip Girl threesome.  The directors continue to be the best part of this show.  Navid, demonstrating overconfidence in the role of the Blaze tells Gia he is determined to bring down Jasper.  Why not just rat him out to Harry?  It’s the son of the porn producer versus the son of the A-list producer!  Adrianna lies to Naomi that a mugger stole her money.  She is a much more convincing actress than Annie.

Liam Finally Moves The Plot Along

Liam tells Ryan that he did not hit on Jen.  Ryan actually tells Liam that his stepfather might be right about him being a bad seed.  Ryan is the worst, most unprofessional teacher ever.  I hope he gets fired.  When Liam picks a fight with a group of surfers, Teddy demands to know what his problem is.  Liam finally admits that Jen has been telling lies about him because he slept with her at the after prom party. It’s about time!  He vows to destroy Jen before she destroys him.  That would be a lot easier if he had not erased the tape of her admitting what she did, but I have faith in the power of Liam’s Mysterious Tarp.  Teddy, Dixon and Sucky Surfer Ivy volunteer to help.  It’s as cheesetastic as one of the social issue storylines from the original. Dixon tries to apologize to Annie for thinking she slept with Liam, but she cuts him off by making a crack about Crazy Geriatric Sasha.


You can’t say tater tot and man in the same sentence. – Dixon

Now I know one woman I can’t trust. – Dixon, to Debbie after she tells him the truth about Sasha

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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