Melrose Place: Who Says Doctors Don’t Make Housecalls Anymore

Melrose Place (The CW)

Melrose Place (The CW)

This is the final pre-Amanda Woodward episode of Melrose Place.  Based on the way all of the CW’s promos focus exclusively on her return on the 17th, I don’t think the network wanted anyone to watch this episode.  The producers are tossing out storylines and preparing to reboot when Heather Locklear returns.

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

Lauren is with another ridiculously hot, respectful John.  He offers her another grand to spend the night.  David sees her coming home.  He tells her he is going to actual West Hollywood breakfast spot Hugo’s for Waffles and Eggs.  Given Hugo’s extremely crunchy granola organic menu, that’s an odd choice.  Eat something with quinoa, David.  So close, yet so far.  Lauren still won’t admit to Ellie that she’s hooking.  At the hospital, she struggles with rounds.

David convinces the housekeeper to let him take Michael’s son AKA his little brother Noah for a couple hours.    In a Fatal Attraction rip off, he takes him to the amusement park on the Santa Monica pier.   Noah falls off a fence.  David brings him to the hospital so Lauren can treat him.  Michael and his wife order him to stay away from Noah. David tells them how much he wants to spend time with his brother. Michael comes to the apartment to tell David that he “appreciates” that he wanted to spend time with Noah.

David tells Lauren his thieving days are over because he doesn’t want her to look at him with contempt again.  Well, that came out of nowhere.  Bye bye, angry cat thief.  Hello sweet, misunderstood guy. He kisses her.  She tells him she can’t be with him.  David, hurt,  doesn’t realize she just saved him from a probable STD.

Knife in the Back

Hot Cop and his team descend upon the apartment building.  They are searching for Auggie.  His blood was all over the knife that David buried — though there is no mention of Sydney’s blood.  It strikes me that Auggie was framed.  I suspect the other departing cast member, Violet who had access to his knives and was with him while he was in a bloody fight.  I will give this show 100 points if Riley is the killer. Riley does not believe Auggie is guilty.  There is still a lot of tension between her and Jonah.  Jonah realizes Auggie told Riley he was leaving town and thinks she should tell the police what she knows.  Violet tells Riley she shagged Auggie.

Publicity Stunt

Caleb asks Ella to handle a lunch meeting with a German indie director Franz Kepler who is going to direct a picture for Bruckheimer starring Matt Damon.  I appreciate the way this show is willing to mix real celebrities in with its fictional characters. Caleb will be busy teleconferencing with New York corporate headquarters.  I know what that means: Amanda Woodward!  Ella asks Jonah to pretend to be a publicist who knows all about Franz.  Franz flirts with Ella.  Jonah suddenly claims he’s engaged to Ella, as if Ella would have any trouble handling a pervy German.  They kiss as part of the ruse.  She calls him out on wanting her for real, offering to get a hotel room.  He insists he’s engaged.  Sorry, MP, you are never going to make me believe that awesome Ella wants geeky Jonah.  I hope Amanda mocks her lousy taste in men.  Ella thinks Jonah is a genius and Riley is too dull for him.  No, Ella, they are both dull. He makes a big speech about how he and Riley are meant to be.  Riley IMs with Auggie, who is in Mexico.  He tells her he ruined his life, but won’t say why.   After she and Jonah make up, Riley calls the police.

Don’t Let The Door Hit You on Your Way Out, Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Violet has a court summons for resisting arrest.  She asks Michael to find her a lawyer, threatening to send the the video of their hook up to his wife.  Apparently he’s been giving her money every week. She is a terrible schemer. Michael can tell the lawyer to make sure she ends up in jail.  In fact, Michael turns out to know the judge on her case.  He can either save or ruin her. She deletes the video.  Violet asks Lauren if she can move in with her and Ella.  Lauren claims Ella won’t want to share a bathroom with someone else. I sense Violet will be moving out shortly.

Next week: Amanda versus Ella.  It is so on!


What would a boy do without his balls? – Ella

Either get me a lawyer, or I get you divorced. – Violet to Michael

Who says doctors don’t make housecalls anymore. – Michael, putting the screws to Violet

Nothing about you is normal and everything about her is. Painfully normal. – Ella, to Jonah about Riley

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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