Gossip Girl: Two Girls, Four Boobs, One Lady Gaga

Lady GaGa (CW)

Lady GaGa (CW)

Lady GaGa is polarizing.  I happen to love her.  As if her crazy outfits, actual singing ability, and incredibly creative videos were not reason enough, now she had freed Gossip Girl from the plague of Hilary Duff.  The only problem with this episode was the lack of Chuck.  What gives?  He’s got to be Gaga’s favorite character.

Life Is A Cabaret

Remember how lame and tame the threesome was last week?  This week we get the spicy stuff.  As Gossip Girl compares him to James Frey, we see his much hotter subjective memories of the threesome.  This time he, Olivia, and Vanessa are wearing considerably less clothing and are all over each other.  If this were Chuck, Nate and Serena it would be really hot.  But it isn’t, so it’s boring. Still, take that, Parents Television Council!   Dan skips down the street, doing his best post-coital Joseph Gordon Levitt in (500) Days of Summer impression.  He gloats about it to Nate, who promptly pours cold water on him by pointing out that a threesome should involve a stranger.  Now he’ll lose his girlfriend and his best friend. Every single thing Nate says this episode is true.  Suddenly the village idiot is the oracle of the UES. Nonetheless, Dan plans to attend the Morrisey concert with Vanessa like he does every year.   This is terrible.  I like the same music as Dan Humphrey. Olivia pretends she’s cool with him going to the concert with Vanessa. Dan tells Olivia he’s thinking of applying to the playwriting program at Tisch.   I can’t wait to see the dramatic version of his story about Serena.  Olivia suggests he improve his chances by writing a play for a fairytale themed Tisch cabaret which just happens to be the same night as the concert.

Meawhile, Blair is targeting the Tisch students at NYU as part of her plot to rule the school. They are accurately portrayed as the children of Hollywood royalty who don’t give a damn about the UES.  They want to get their alumna of the moment Lady Gaga to appear at their cabaret.  She suggests that Cyrus, who is apparently a powerful music attorney, can make it happen.  They still hate her.  Olivia suggests that Blair work with Dan on his play. Olivia tells Vanessa that Dan can’t attend the concert because of the NYU cabaret, which he scheduled weeks ago.  Blair tells him she is the producer and costar.  She wants him to do Snow White with Gaga songs.  That’s potentially awesome.  Vanessa is shocked when Dan tells her Olivia just signed her up for the cabaret. 

He manages to write a play in thirty seconds.  Olivia will play Snow White, Blair is the queen. Dan is a record exec, who I guess is supposed to be the prince.  Vanessa will direct.  Vanessa attempts to minimze Olivia’s presence in the play.  She and Vanessa get into an argument.  Through flashbacks we learn that Van pushed Olivia out of the way during the threesome.  Typically selfish Vanessa.  Both quit the show. Blair immediately figures out that they had a threesome.  She is the expert on kink, which is what she could actually use to climb the NYU social ladder.  Blair threatens to tell everyone about the threesome if they don’t fall in line.  Blair finally has her mojo back! 

Backstage at the cabaret Olivia says that Dan looked at Vanessa the way he never looked at her.  She thinks he’s in love with Vanessa.   During the commerical break, there is a threesome themed Dolce & Gabanna watch commercial that is far more steamier than anything on the show.  How did that make it past standards and practices? 

Dan’s play is as awful as you would hope, with students dressed as dwarf rappers quoting Gaga lyrics.  I hope the audience is laughing at the play instead of with it. Hearing Hilary Duff attempt a Gaga song acapella made me realize that GaGa can outsing all the prefab pop singers of the past five years.  Olivia, who is allegedly a professional actress, flees the show.  Vanessa has to take over.  Dan must kiss her. Afterward, Blair takes everyone to a GaGa dress rehearsal, courtesy of Cyrus. Gaga is obviously lip syncing, but it looks pretty cool.  Olivia apologizes to Dan for going AWOL.  She claims she did it so Dan would realize he was into Vanessa.  Olivia accepted a part in a movie and is taking a leave of absence from NYU.  Hallejulah! Vanessa apologzes to Olivia and swears she isn’t into Dan.  She is into pretentious actor Paul.  Ha!  Enjoy your lonely life, Dan.

Serena Lewinsky

Tripp tells Serena he is moving to D.C.  Both agree they should avoid each other until he leaves.  Serena tells Nate she is falling for Tripp.  They mend fences and go for a walk in the park complete with flirtation.  So much for her burning passion for Tripp.  They go drinking, realizing it’s for the first time since their hook up before the series began.  Tripp calls Nate with the news that Maureen was the one who staged the drowning.  Nate confesses to Serena that two years ago he tried to tell her he loved her at the masquerade ball.  Continuity for the win!  Chace Crawford has far more chemistry with Blake Lively than any other female on the show.  They nearly kiss, but Tripp interrupts.  You would think that seeing Serena getting cozy with his cousin would give him pause.  Wrong. Tripp asks Serena to go on a walk.  Nate warns her she will cross the line, but she feels she has the right.  She is so fickle!  Serena and Tripp make out.  I predict he’ll be forced to resign due to the scandal within a month.

Belgian Awful 

Jenny shows Damian, a Belgian diplomat’s son who is staying in Chuck’s hotel, around New York.  She is disappointed when he wants to play with toy sailboats, until it turns out to be a cover for his drug deals. He claims he sells Ecstasy for the danger.  With diplomatic immunity, there wouldn’t be much danger.  Is Ecstasy part of the 90s revival? Jenny joins him at a bar while he meets a client. Chuck shows up as he gives her pills.  Chuck boots Damian from the hotel.  Given Chuck’s drug use in high school his attitude is hypocritical.  Chuck tells her if she goes down the rabbit hole she won’t get back out.  Jenny texts Damian that she would like to go out again.  So much for scaring her straight.


Two girl, four boobs, one Dan Humphrey – Dan

I don’t converse with liars or Lewinskys.-Blair

I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means. – Chuck

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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