‘The Bachelor’: The Frisco Kids

Jake Pavelka (ABC)

Jake Pavelka (ABC)

Finally, ‘The Bachelor‘ arrives at a place where the hills are actually bigger than the contestants’ egos: San Francisco! Unfortunately, this episode was so yawn worthy that even Vienna’s face under a flashlight wouldn’t have woken me up. Episode five brings nothing but a few pockets of lukewarm drama: the safer contestants drown in their insecurities, Vienna and Ali’s issues simmer down, and a virgin lurks within the group. You’d think the virgin thing could be potentially juicy but even that reveal went down hill.

Here are the “highlights” that’ll make you want to scarf down your Activia to help with your ABC indigestion…

My Little China Girl

With five girls left on the chopping block, Jake picks Tenley for his first one-on-one date. He hops on a private trolley with Little Miss Sunshine and quietly proceeds to stuff boxes of Rice-A-Roni in her coat pockets to clue her in on where they’re going: Chinatown! They jump off and run around like little kids, trying on straw hats, eating parts of animals that they’ve never eaten before, writing fortunes in fortune cookies, and pulling out plastic swords and pretending they’re kung fu fighting (just what Chinese people want to see white people doing in their part of town). In the midst of their gaiety, they freeze at the sight of an old Chinese man playing an ancient string instrument that they’re convinced has toxic lead paint in it. “Recall!” the two lovebirds shout out rebukingly.

For dinner, Jakester takes Tenley to a tower that has a thousand stairs. By the time they get up to the top, their quads and calves are pulsating with perspiration, but Jake is sweatin’ on the lady in question! He says that out of all the women, he can see Tenley as his wife, but he’s nervous to fall too fast for the helium-voiced sweetheart and wants to know more about why her marriage went south.

Jake: “What mistakes in your marriage did you feel like you made that you’d be conscious of second time around?”

Tenley: “Aside from doing too many splits in my leotards, I think I took a lot for granted…ummm, anyway, what are your expectations in a marriage?”

Jake: “I expect my wife to always have my back and always give me some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!” he says with a Z-snap and a neck jerk. “A marriage is never going to be perfect but the love can be.”

Tenley: “I know pilots like to get it on til the break of dawn…do you think you’ll cheat on me and traumatize my fragile heart?”

Jake: “Cheating is a choice. You have to consciously make a choice. The woman I marry is the last woman I look at.”

Tenley coos, and they swallow each other’s mouths while Jake crosses his fingers behind his back.

Keep It Real, Bring It On

Corrie grabs the date card and tells Ali and Vienna that they’ll be on the two-on-one date with Jake. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” says gruff-voiced Ali, but her conscience catches up to her and she lies saying, “Not because of you, Vienna–it’s just that it’s my hometown.” Corrie explodes with laughter and says she’s joking and that it’s actually Vienna and Gia on the date. Surprisingly, Vienna is taciturn and doesn’t want to deal with Ali’s scariness–specifically, her bubba gump bottom lip. But the Frisco resident doesn’t relent and confronts the googly-eyed young ‘un and says she should speak her mind if she has beef with her. “Why do you think I’m such a bad person?” Vienna asks. “Look, I have faults,” Ali states unconvincingly, “but you’re a MANNNNN!” Nevertheless, Ali is a smart girl: She’s starting to realize her negative yapper is going to get her in high water, so she cools it for the rest of the show and pretends to be neutral about her nemesis.

Vienna and Gia (ABC)

Vienna and Gia (ABC)

Dungeons and Dragons

The next day the girls find a ginormous wooden chest and a card at the door. They open it and POP! Chris Harrison jumps out scantily clad wearing pasties and playing a saxophone! (In your dreams, you dirty dawgs)! Actually, it’s a chest of clothes for Gia and Vienna to wear on their two-on-one date. They’re staying overnight! Weeee!

They arrive at a medieval winery castle, and because of her shy nature, Gia is already nervous she’s going to be the third wheel. Third wheel ‘sho ’nuff. Vienna yaps away with Jake and tells the cameras she’s determined to keep his attention and plans on pretending the squirmy New Yorker isn’t even there. And for a few minutes, it works.

While Gia is twitching by her lonesome and feeling like the invisible nerdy high school girl all over again, Vienna poo poos to Jake about Ali being a meany at the rose ceremony. Gia starts sucking her thumb and rocking back and forth. Jake turns around to look at the brunette, and in that instant, Vienna squirts a few drops of Visine in her eyes to falsify a few tears. But Tow Head is too distracted with Gia and takes her far away so they can make out like bunnies in heat, reassuring her how special she is. “You can eat my salmon, biatch,” says Duck Lips to the manipulative cry baby.

After a scary adventure down the corridors of wine barrels that we had hoped would explode and create a massive slip ‘n’ slide scenario filled with gnawing cellar rats, Vienna finds the two cooling down from their make-out session. Jake’s mind is in the gutter while Vienna vies to get his attention during their individual time. In between thoughts of Gia in a maid’s outfit, Jake asks Vienna what she wants out of a marriage. She replies: “I think we should be like little six year-olds forever!” Although her gargantuan teeth get in the way of her enunciating clearly, we think she basically conveys she’s falling for him and is crazy jealous to see him with other women.

Bedtime Stories

Because her time with Jake was connectionless, Vienna decides to hop in bed with Jake, hoping she’ll be able to get some Action Jackson tonight! Gia thinks the little girl is being tasteless and smothering and leaves her to dig her own grave.

At the sight of her, Jake looks agitated, but then she brings in two glasses of wine…and then his thoughts get warm and toasty. Nonetheless, he’s aware of Gia and thus, doesn’t want to get down and dirty, although he admits he wants to. He and Vienna lay in his bed for a quiet moment, and slowly but surely, we see–not one!–but two mountain peaks perk up from underneath the sheets! While she tries to hide the evidence, Jake decides that Gia is hotter than Vienna and politely tells her to go back to her bed.

Like a Virgin

Jake takes Corrie–who is the only girl who has yet to kiss the cowboy–on a row boat and coincidentally, reenacts the boat scene from The Little Mermaid: He does not kiss da girl. Hesitation and old-fashioned values consume the stiff chick, and she lets innumerable “peckable” moments pass by. Jake feels no opportunity and checks his watch. Dinner, anyone?

The chemistry-less couple have dinner at a science museum, and Jake asks Corrie how she feels about the idea of living together. Unapologetically, she says she doesn’t believe in that because that’s a privilege of married folks. Then the bomb comes, which explains a whole lot about Corrie’s behavior: She’s one of those promise ring-ers! She’s a virgin! “I totally respect where you’re coming from,” he lies. They finally kiss, but gal pal’s slow-to-put-out ways have already signed her death wish!

Dishonesty Is the Best Policy

Ali takes Jake to her favorite spot in Frisco. With the sun beaming and the beach as their backdrop, the two recessive genes play soccer and have a picnic. After Ali straddles him and gives him a back rub and pinches his man boobs, he takes her to another spot and gets serious.

Jake: “If something is bothering you, you could come to me.”

Ali: [biting her bottom lip] “I just want you to be happy. Sometimes I don’t understand the ‘ugly, crazy-eye’ type of decisions you make, but hey–whatever floats your boat!”

Jake: “I know you got issues with Vienna…”

Ali: “No, I’m totally fine. I’m ready to let go of it.” [Her face turns green, and she gulps.]

For Jake, Experienced Required

Jake’s sad that the rose ceremony has already arrived. Before he dashes the marital dreams of another hopeful fly girl, he manages to diversify his one-on-one times:

-Jake shows Tenley white boys can dance and teams up with her to do the Kid ‘n’ Play and The Running Man.

-Corrie wants to prove that although she’s kept her chastity belt locked, she keeps in touch with her sensual side. Jake asks her to demonstrate, but she backs off and thrusts her promise ring in his face.

-With Gia, Jake is preoccupied with her thick, white-beaded bracelet, praying it’s not a promise bracelet of any kind. He lies to her and says she stands out among the other ladies.

-Because Vienna’s pouty and sporting a Victorian wig, Jake takes her down to his room to make her feel special. He shows her the view and tells the viewers, “I think Vienna is such a strong person.” We know, Jake, we saw her back in that strapless gown.

Ultimately, in the end, Jake de-buds Corrie (only in the floral sense, people!) She cries in the limo, and in a fit of rage, tosses her promise ring, and tells the limo driver to pick up Chris along the way so she can give him the trolley ride of his life! Boo yah!

Highlights from Next Episode

Hometown dates! Yeee haw! The mamas and the papas heat things up! No rose ceremony?! Uh uhhhhhh!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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