Last night marked the reality TV wedding event some of you really wanted to miss but couldn’t take your eyeballs off of: The nuptialization of Molly Malaney and ‘Bachelor’ Jason Mesnick! Could this be a testament that the show can work? ABC wants to make a believer out of you, people! Do you believe?
But this picture-perfect wedding-to-be–filled with ‘Bachelor‘/’Bachelorette‘ contestants and even one booted ‘American Idol‘ — was made even less ideal with the fickle downpour (a.k.a. tears of the gods) drenching the couple’s outdoor California wedding ceremony AND mind you, that gorgeous Monique Lhuillier dress.
Here are the highlights that’ll inspire you to sign a pre-nup…
Every Rose Has Its Thorn
To convince us of their new blissful life together in Seattle, Molly piggybacks Jason and giggles. Wow. The twosome then goes on to tell us what life’s been like post-Bachelor: how for ten months they’d fly back and forth from Milwaukee to Seattle to keep their nether regions alive and satisfied; how Molly brought femininity to Jason’s already feminine lifestyle; and how the step mom-to-be pretends to get along with Jason’s little son, Ty, by making Betty Crocker brownies secretly laced with poisonous sugar powder–like from that 80s movie, Flowers in the Attic.
Thanks to ABC, we see old clips of them having oodles of fun and even bungee jumping together. BUNGEE JUMPING?! It’s an ‘Ah-ha!’ moment, folks! There’s something about bungee jumping that deludes these contestants to fall in love! (And Jake and Vienna’s coupledom is the ultimate proof in da puddin.)
But before we can scurry off to plan bungee jumping excursions with our Fabios, here comes the old footage we all knew was coming (yawn): Jason breaking up with a teary-eyed Melissa Rycroft! And then the story of the backlash–haters of Mesnick de Slimeball unite! Not only are we told that the tabloids pounced on Molly the Marsupial and Jason the Ape Man, but apparently, Jason was yelled at by a Pasadena woman! OH NOOO! While Molly narrates this tragic story, Jason is seen sitting on a park bench, squinting his eyes and looking off into the distance–trying to give the impression that a complete thought is passing through his synapsed neurons. If only we had a Celine Dion tune playing in the background…
“Things happen for a reason,” Jason pontificates as he looks back at all the hardships he had to go through to be with his beloved. “She is one piece of badonka donk I cannot lose.”
Updates To Yawn About
To bring on some filler, the cameras give us updates on past Bachelors and Bachelorettes whom we don’t give a flip about anymore.
Jake & Vienna: The man-on-man couple are so aligned with each other that they finish each other’s thoughts! Yippie! “Spend a day with us, we’ll make you throw up!” they laugh. (It doesn’t take a day, buddy boys.)
Jillian & Ed: “Do you want smoothies?” the brunette Canuck asks her hunnie bunny Ed, whose face looks freshly swollen, complemented by his new marine crew cut. He pours creamer into his coffee.
Charlie & Sarah: Kid brother to actor Jerry O’Connell, Charlie the Ogre is quite happy with on-again-off-again love, Sarah. After a year apart, the two have reunited, and it feels so good. All I want to know is: When Charlie speaks, where’s his teeth?
Trista & Ryan: The ancient ‘Bachelor’ couple are the most established of them all, made evident by their two ankle biters. And as most parents of little ones, the two try to convince us they’re happy, but it appears that Ryan is going through post-partum depression.
Wedding Factory Fit for a Network
Although ABC has dominion over all the planning for the big day–from the Neil Lane wedding bands to the Macy’s gift registry (We [heart] you, Martha Stewart kitchen utensils!), at least the producers have been merciful enough to let Jason and Molly pick out their invitations and the flavor of the cake.
And by the by, where’s lispy British celeb wedding planner Colin Cowie when you need him? Well, at least the planner they chose, prissy Jo Gartin, has a British accent. British accents make everything better.
In other news, while Jason is busy getting his back waxed, Molly-pop, sister, and mom skirt off to meet designer Monique Lhuillier, who greets them unenthusiastically as if they’re D-Listers polluting her beautiful store. But never you mind that! Whoosh! In comes a Pretty Woman montage moment of Molly trying on different lily-white gowns. Trying to convince herself this isn’t a doomed relationship, Molly’s mom rocks back and forth in tears and robotically repeats: “It’s going to be a beautiful day, beautiful people, Jason and Molly are going to be beautiful…”
Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties in Vegas
The couple’s wedding parties head out to the City of Sin-licious: Las Vegas! Although Jason secretly gets a lap-dance from his favorite Chippendale (Mr. August, 1995), those blasted ABC video editors deleted the scenes! Instead, to keep the show PG-13, we see Molly and the gals getting their icky poo feet cleaned and manicured and Jason and da boys gambling.
To educate the girls to be even more skanky, an exotic dancer comes into Molly’s suite to teach them how to be bootilicious. The bride-to-be laughs so hysterically that she suddenly looks like the long-lost twin of ‘SNL’s Will Forte.
Dinner time. Jason gets roasted by all the home boys, and although he tries to take it like a man, he has the urge to cry on a balcony whilst sucking his thumb. Meanwhile, Molly’s lady friends are offering naughty advice that make the owl-eyed Midwesterner blush. They giggle like teens and exchange diaphragms as a way of bonding.
As the boys and gals gallivant to separate clubs to ‘Roger Rabbit’ and ‘Hammer’ the night away, Jason wistfully says, “I’m missing Molly.” (Then you ain’t at the right club, man.)
The two finally meet up and hold each other–albeit the whole time Molly keeps her face at bay from Va-Jay Jay’s whiskey-filled breath. “Molly and I are very different…she stands up for everything she believes in,” Jason declares. Couldn’t have said it any better, dude.
Blame It on Da Rain
Blame it on da rain. Yeah. Yeah. But for the wedding planner, that’s just bollocks. Instead, the angry control freak blames the powers-that-be: “If it were me, we’d have a Plan B. We’d be nice and all snuggly and warm inside but that choice wasn’t made,” she snips. (After that comment, ABC cuts her check in half and confiscates her green card.)
Meanwhile, Molly and the pussycat dolls prepare to get beautified by none other than Jessica Simpson hairstylist, Kevin Paves (free hair extensions for all!), and drag queen look-alike makeup artist, Mally Roncal. Molly screams with delight as she emerges with hair bigger than the state of Texas and ten pounds of makeup that’d make Tammy Faye Baker jealous. But wait. That’s not all folks. Those are just door prizes compared to the goodies that are coming their way! While Molly reads the little blue note that Jason has attached to her bouquet, she tosses it aside and screams when she sees her green Payless shoes come in on a silver platter! Then more green shoes for the rest of the ladies! What a bunion-filled celebration! And then there’s jewelry and a trip to the Caribbean for the whole party! (We’re guessing it’s St. Lucia–just a guess.)
The men, on the other hand, are experiencing less frenzy, especially after the overly emotional groom reads the blue note that Molly sends to him. It reads: “My beloved Jason, I can’t wait to send little Ty off to a strict boarding school.”
Because Molly and Jason have no friends, ABC had to pay a slew of former ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ contestants to fill the seats and endure the cold volatile rain. Coming over to greet Chris, we see a dumbfounded Ryan with his happy slappy wifey, Trista (who apparently got hairstyling tips from ‘Animal Planet’s dog trainer extraordinaire, Victoria Stillwell). And then there are the couples we expected to be there–Ed and Jils, Charlie and Sarah, and even Kiptyn, who was too busy checking out the fellas that he didn’t even stop by to get camera time with Chris. But never did we expect in a thousand years what confronted our eyeballs next…And the oddest WTF couple award goes to: Deanna Papas and Stephen Stagliano (twin brother to Michael Stagliano from last season’s ‘Bachelorette.’) HUH??? We guess she’s trying the Puma thing and prefers Stephen over Michael since he looks less like Vanilla Ice.
But while they’re all yapping up a storm, ACTION SHOT from afar! The encroaching paparazzi are being attacked by ABC-hired bodyguards. One grabs the legs of a tabloid cameraman and violently plays wheelbarrow with him! Jason is up on a balcony, this time crying from laughter and taking pictures of the drama.
The Ceremony to End All Ceremonies
Molly’s uncle is the wedding officiant and starts the ceremony off by waddling down the aisle. Then in comes a hunched back giddy Jason. Other boring characters take their turn walking down the path of unenlightenment.
To wake everyone up, Jason Castro, a contestant from an ancient season of ‘American Idol,’ sings “Over the Rainbow.” (Yes, another WTF character.)
Molly suddenly emerges and floats down the stairs. Jason cries like a girl at the sight of her and almost wee wees in his thong. Their dream of being husband and wife is about to come true! As Molly’s uncle says sweet nothings about the couple, wild winds whoosh back and forth, giving everyone ginormous fros.
“Is there anybody here who objects to the marriage?” Molly’s uncle nervously asks. Everyone gets whiplash as they frantically look from east to west. From a distance we hear a muffled cry, and see Chris cupping his mouth over a screaming, defiant Melissa.
Unbeknownst to them, the happy couple proceeds to utter their love poems. Read on if you dare:
Molly: “Two souls, two libidos. I am in you. And you always try to be in me. You’re an eternal perv.”
Jason: “We are searching, now we are found. I cried on a balcony, and you still loved me. Like the Spice Girls sung once: Two Become One.”
After the poems are spoken, Mr. Officiant tells all to rise and to think happy thoughts on behalf of the couple. Then doves are released, unfortunately, voiding their bowels on all the guests.
The rain thrashes about, and the bride and groom look like greasy sea otters as they now attempt to exchange vows:
Molly: “From the moment that I met you, you gave me butterflies in my secret place. What you did me for me, you will never know. I’ve done things I’ve never done, I’ve tasted things I’d never thought I would taste…in the bedroom. I can’t wait to wear the pants in this relationship!”
Jason: “We’ve been through so many ups and downs, and those damn sexy eyes got me through it all! Those eyes are gonna be watching me for the rest of my life. I love to get freaky with you. Amen.”
The rings are slipped on, and the bride and groom kiss! It’s official! Molly is a Mesnick! And although the rain continues to go manic on them, at least they get a rainbow out of it.
At the reception Chris makes a toast and surprises the couple with Molly’s favorite artist, Gavin DeGraw. Whoopty doo. He sings for them as they take their first dance together as a wedded couple and make out in front of a wincing audience. The Host With the Most ends the show with closing thoughts: “We can’t wait to see the next chapter of their life…divorce.” Congratulations Molly and Jason!