Bret Michaels’ ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Blog: “It Was Patriotic, Pornographic, & Good Business”



When I watched last night’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ I gotta say, the Maria Kanellis moment with that very large red, white, and blue Popsicle gave me so many emotions. I found it extremely erotic. I couldn’t turn away. It was a little bit of porn mixed in with business. And, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

A plethora of emotions sparked in me with that red, white, and blue Popsicle. It was patriotic, pornographic, and good business. I’ll admit it, I felt horny. It was a fantastic tease. We were all like, ‘Hurray for the red, white, and blue!’

Goldberg’s “Ball-Devastating Grab”

One more thing before I get to the task and our loss, when Goldberg said he was going to heave me up in the air, I was like, ‘Oh Christ.’ The man’s arm is bigger than my whole body. I do not know wrestling moves, so I did not know you’re supposed to kick your leg out to the right. When he lifted me, I just thanked God that I already had my daughters because my chances of having a kid after that ball-devastating grab would be slim to none.

It was my fault. He told me he’d heave me up and he asked me if I knew what to do and as I was saying, ‘I don’t,’ I was already heaved into the air. The look of pain on my face was not fake. It was a bittersweet moment because on the one hand, I was being held in the air by my wrestling hero, which was cool. But, on the other hand, my nards were in pain. In that moment, we both went, ‘Oh s**t.’ I winced in pain for about five minutes after that. I had to take a knee. Like in the old war movies, I said, ‘Go on without me guys. I’ll be alright.’ I hit a high note I never hit before.

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Sinbad’s Big Diss

Okay, onto our loss. Sinbad, in his defense, was given a creative task that was not judged by dollars and cents. And, he was given a very tough task, an overwhelming task, and a complicated one. It was a task of creativity, technology, and product placement. His downfall was that he did not embrace what each of us could do. Sinbad’s a very, very smart guy and a likable guy. I like him. But, I think when you are overwhelmed you should start delegating out and find strengths in your teammates instead of trying to point out a few of our weaknesses. He spent way too much time trying to point out mine and Rod’s weaknesses. It’s true. I don’t need to spit venom here; the truth was shown. It all comes down to what Trump thinks.

From the start, Sinbad immediately eliminated me from the group. His mistake was so badly trying to prove it was not me who did a great job on the last task as a leader. I was willing to be whatever he wanted me to be. I told him, ‘I’m very creative, but if you want to abuse me, that’s fine. I am here to work. Take me. I’m yours.’ But, he was on a mission to get anyone but me to help him. I said fine. Overall, there was definitely a lack of communication and leadership.

What they didn’t show was that my entire team was feeling the same way I was. I was just the one who blew up over it and spoke up. Do we all remember the story, ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes?’ We all knew we had a problem here, but no one wanted to speak up.

The Boardroom (NBC)

The Boardroom (NBC)

And, let me defend myself. I was only like about eight to ten minutes late. It was so close that their van was pulling out as I was getting into the other van. They didn’t show that either. And, when I walked away, I went downstairs to the basement to get coffee like everyone does a thousand times and I wasn’t gone that long. It wasn’t like I wasn’t working. I started sweeping and I built Darryl’s home plate because I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t given a task. We stood and stared at the walls for four hours.

In that moment, I knew I was being set up for the kill. When we lost, I knew I was going to the boardroom. I have a great sixth sense. Why the f**k do you think I was working so hard? I knew it would be me and Rod. He ignored Rod. He made fun of Rod. He didn’t like Rod. And, he dissed me, dissed me, and dissed me some more. He was more interested in putting Rod and me down than he was in winning and that was his downfall.

Honestly, I don’t know what Sinbad’s funk was. We had an off-camera moment on the first task that was unbelievably great. We talked in the hallway about music and we had this great talk about something going on in his personal life that I won’t discuss. But I felt very close to him and he let me in on some things he was going through in his personal life that wasn’t public then, but is now. I don’t know what happened.

I won’t say I’m glad he’s gone. I’m not glad anyone’s gone. But, I am glad that the truth came out in the boardroom. I’m thankful for Michael Johnson backing me up in the boardroom. Michael said the truth. Goldberg said the truth. Curtis Stone said the truth. We were completely misled on this task.

Next Week: “Fireworks Will Explode”

Next week, the fireworks will explode with, again, complete misunderstandings. When Donald Trump said there is an ‘unbelievable twist,’ he is dead on. And, I have to say, that other than Sinbad, there are still a few members on my team who do not completely understand why I’m there. No doubt. They are like, ‘this dude is a rocker stoner who loves sucking chicks faces. Why is he on this show?’ Some of them think that I just got lucky when I won the first task. But they are going to find out real quick that you do not get lucky in the music business for 22 years. You’ll see…

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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