‘Real Housewives of NYC’: Does Kelly Belong on Shutter Island?

Kelly Bensimon (Bravo)

Kelly Bensimon (Bravo)

If any of you were craving a hallucinogen and didn’t catch Thursday night’s ‘The Real Housewives of NYC,’ then you missed out on the biggest trip of your stinkin’ life! For those of you who did watch, seriously, WTF did we just witness? After having experienced Kelly’s unprecedented psychotic and paranoid meltdown, I don’t think I can ever eat jellybeans or lollipops again.

Let’s discuss how the crazy got crazier:

The Crying Game

The saga continues in the Caribbean. The ladies take shelter in a swanky mansion and wake up for breakfast. Sore from being dissed on her cooking chops, Bethenny throws out a sarcastic remark to Kelly about her cook vs. chef status. But this time Kelly’s armored herself with an invisible shield that keeps normal people at bay, and she boldly proceeds to make fun of the tiny brunette shark, which is what you’d expect from the giant woman-child that she is. Pig-tailed Bethenny walks away, tears streaming down her face.

But the tears don’t stop there, folks! At the end of the night, Bethenny leaves goodie bags for each lady as a gesture of kindness, and when Kelly receives hers, her panties go up in a bunch: She can’t handle the conflicting messages! She calls Jill in a frenzy and her dialogue essentially is this:

Jill: “What’s the matter, dear?”

Kelly: “Oonga boonga! Oonga boonga! Eek! eek! eek!” (We can only manage to decipher the last exclamatory statement since Kelly’s gesture is that of a stabbing motion.) Must have something to do with knives?

Righto! We figure out that Kelly thinks Bethenny is trying to kill her and equates her tongue to knives. She says she can’t imagine kissing Bethenny with such a tongue. First of all, why is Kelly imagining kissing Bethenny? Never you mind that–because this isn’t the last time she tries to get LiLo on us! More tongue verbage uno momento!

Watch last week’s episode:

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/The-Real-Housewives-of-New-York-City/98644/1493728254/Overboard/embed 580 476]

The Lion, The Witch(es), and The Devil?

“It’s like a witch hunt…it’s like freaking Hades in here!” screams Kelly, in one of her unconscious cries for help. Such was the neurotic hellishly incomprehensible madness that occurred at the dinner party to end all dinner parties. You could’ve put a strait jacket on me, stuffed one of Bethenny’s crab cakes in my pie hole, and made me rock back and forth at warp speed–but still, I wouldn’t have looked half as mental as Kelly.

Bethenny decides to treat the ladies to a three-course meal. While she’s off preparing the dishes, Kelly pleads to change the seating arrangements because she doesn’t want to sit across from Bethenny and be “attacked” by the conniving chef…errr, I mean cook. Although Kelly ends up declaring she doesn’t care for Bethenny’s cooking, she confesses in her own Kelly-tastic way that she digs the Skinny Girl’s salad dressing: “…she could be like Paul Newman.” Good, Kelly.

Once Ramona mentions that she’s irked by Jill not calling her during her renewal vacation, Kelly starts losing her marbles and her insanity drives straight through the red light.

The events and dialogue happened like so:

The ladies tell Kelly to take a chill pill…

Kelly: “White noise! All I hear is white noise!”

Sonja (to Kelly): “You need a time out!” (Kelly starts texting like a brooding teenager.)

Ramona tries to change the subject and proposes a toast to Bethenny, which also involves an apology for the way she slammed her on the Brooklyn Bridge. She walks over to the brunette and shares the same seat with her. Kelly goes off, her She-Man voice bellowing out from her: “Are you gonna sit on her lap? Are you gonna make out–with tongue?”

‘Real Housewives of NYC’: Less Sane Than a Hooters Boat?

Before the two ladies leave the scene to pull their hair out and sift through the yellow pages for the nearest nut house on the island, Kelly starts screaming “Zip it!” to everyone. Meanwhile, Sonja begs Alex to stay, fearful she’ll leave her alone with Kelly. But before Alex can consider bolting, Zip! Zap! Too late! Overcharged electrical impulses fry Kelly’s cranial nerves–and now there’s hell to pay! Kelly accuses Alex for being uptight and pent-up…ZIP!…then suddenly declares that Alex has the ability to channel the devil!…ZAP!…Now Kelly’s in tears, telling Sonja that Bethenny won’t stop attacking her and her kids in the press! Yes, people, that entire convo happened in a matter of seconds in that order.

While Sonja’s freaking out and downing every single glass of champagne she can find on the table, Alex, Ramona, and Bethenny are cackling up a storm at the giant’s undoing.

The three musketeers return to the table only to be greeted with Kelly laughing like a freak and calling Bethenny Al Sharpton (?!) and then getting irate and accusing her of being mean to her friend, Gwenyth Paltrow (?!). And then in a flash, she takes off to find her beloved calming jellybeans and lollipops! She comes back and offers them to everyone, all the while jibber-jabbering that she’s puked and been having nightmares of Bethenny killing her. She even tells her that she’s creeped out that Beth is even on this getaway since her dad just died. At hearing this, Bethenny loses it, and like a lion, roars: “Go to sleep! Go to sleep! You’re craaazy!”

At the sound of this fit of rage, Kelly’s jellybean-stuffed mouth mushes up and frowns, her head shrinking back at every scream, like she was being taken back to the mysterious trauma that made her kooky for life! Seeing this actually made me want to swig some Pepto and play some Phil Collins ballads. The whole situation started getting depressing–close to unfunny–because at this point, you realize girlfriend’s got some major issues.

And this realization is exactly what Sonja was pleading to the ladies! She admonishes them to stop mocking Kelly because the gal is really and truly a semi-jacked up lunatic. And what does Kelly say to a concerned Sonja? “Zzzip it!” There you have it.

At last, the rest of the crew concedes and gently talks to Kelly, treating her with kid gloves. “Good things for everyone,” they quietly repeat to the Amazonian. Good things for everyone, ay? Well, bad timing–because a redheaded monster is set to crash the party next week! Ahhhh!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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