Okay, last night’s ‘Real Housewives of NYC‘ season finale was a bit tepid…but then again, any episode seems tepid now that Kelly’s left Poison Island. Oh well. At least it ended on a semi-happy note with Ramona and Mario re-tying the knot and bringing the entire cast together (albeit kicking and screaming).
Plus, we got to see a couple elements of reality with Jill and Bethenny’s friendship heading towards no-man’s land, as well as Alex’s hubby, Simon, inching out of the closet a bit more.
Surprisingly (and not-so-surprisingly) the biggest nail-biting moment of the night was watching you-know-who sing that you-know-what…at least she didn’t wear the weave from the video.
Before you grab your karaoke machine, here are some highlights that’ll keep your vocals in tune.
Jill invites Bethenny to a make-up or break-up luncheon and hopes that offering Yiddish potato pop ’ems to her former BFF will make everything better. With great effort, the redhead forces her yapper to utter apologetic words, and she asks Beth where their future lies. Both start getting teary-eyed, but the latter keeps it real. “It’s like a divorce,” Bethenny says about their damaged relationship. She insinuates that she’s kind of over Jill, especially since she wasn’t there for all her monumental moments in the last six months, and tells her that Missy Moo needs to take responsibility for her mean girl actions. Jill begrudgingly admits she’s jacked up their relationship and has learned her lesson. Nothing gets resolved, and the look on Bethenny’s face when Jill asks if they could perhaps meet up again reminds us of what our faces must look like when we’re really constipated.
Being the philanthropist that she is, the Countess holds a CD launch party for her new single, “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” in order to inspire all menopausal women that as long as you got bank, you can do just about anything–even if God begs you not to. Before she gets up on stage to pull a Milli Vanilli lip sync fest, guess who makes a grand man-whore entrance?! Let’s give it up for the money-grubbing sycophant who made this WTF experience all possible–producer Chris Young! Whaaaz up! Thanks to all the Benjamins Lady Luck has paid him, the yellow-faux hawk’d albino music magician brings in paid escorts to be at his beck and call so he doesn’t lose his fragile sense of self.
Even if it’s true that money can’t buy you class, the Countess has proven that money can at least buy you international a$$. In enters Tony Danza Jacques, her secret French lover boy no one knew existed! Oui! Oui!
Although Bethenny, Ramona, and Alex are a no-show, the rest of the Housewives give us an opportunity to blow chunks as we watch them dance to LuAnn’s auto-tuned catastrophe. Newbie Jen Gilbert gyrates like she’s at a Jodeci concert, while Jill lasciviously sticks out her tongue–hiss! hiss!–and takes time to analyze the complex lyrics of her friend’s new enterprise. “Elegance is learned! Wow. I never thought of that,” she states as an epiphany. Good, Jill.
For a moment, the ladies do the usual rounds of talking smack about those who are conspicuously absent, but the Countess breaks up the potential buzzkill by toasting with a beautiful lie, “Money can’t buy you friends!” (Check, please.)
One Wedding…and Everyone Else’s Funeral
The poignancy of Ramona’s renewal ceremony is flushed out almost entirely by the tension and obvious division among the self-absorbed ladies, but thanks to the obscene cuteness of Coco and her poochie-licious flower girl ruffles, it keeps the other biatches from barking up a storm and ruining the ceremony.
The exchanging of the vows between Ramona and Mario are sweet and meaningful, and they even manage to get some tears out of some of the Ice Queens, which includes the skirt-wearing flamboyant Simon, whose trickling waterfalls we can only assume are for sexy Mario.
The ceremony concludes with Mr. Singer deciding to give his darling an icky open-mouthed kiss. Let’s just say he could’ve been eating an invisible piece of crumb cake if we didn’t know any better.
Best Boobs of the Night
Worst Decision of the Night
Aside from inviting Kelly, Ramona’s move of allowing LuAnn to sing her craptastic song again.
Best/Worst Diss of the Night
Jill’s get-the-freak-away-from-me-or-I’ll-ice-skate-over-your-face vibe to Alex.
Best Karma of the Night
After Jill gives Alex the hand, she tries to convince Bethenny to forget about the past so they could be two peas in a pod again.
Jill: “We can get past this!”
Bethenny: “You have a lot of changing to do. I’m serious.”
Jill [pride explodes]: “I can’t change–I am who I am.” (Yeah, and that’s why you end up crying and walking out of the reunion next week, sista girl.)
If only we could say this is the end! But alas, the real finale is next Thursday when the ladies come together in their pageant gowns and sit on Andy Cohen’s couch and scream at each other til their hair extensions pop out! Andy better have some lollipops and Yiddish potato dishes on hand because it looks like it could be a bumpy ride!