So here we go. I’m watching the MTV Movie Awards and providing running commentary tonight as it happens. Here’s the pre-show rundown of the categories and nominees, if you’re into that, but as we know, this show isn’t much about the awards. It’s about celebrity moments. Let’s see what the former Music Television has in store for us this evening, shall we?
We open with Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder claiming to be the producer of the show, as expected, with Bill Hader back-up, talking to the Twilight boys Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and pitching them as buddy cops. Then he’s yelling at Jaden Smith about The Karate Kid, with backup from The Fresh Prince himself Will Smith. Cruise is going off with the profanity – actually fairly entertaining to watch. I fear he might be a little too appropriately calling the show his “giant two-hour sh*t.”
Let’s see how Aziz Ansari brings it as the host for the evening. Taking some movie spoof action – The Blind Side, Precious and oh good lord, Justin Bieber mocking his own hair to bring Aziz out on stage.
Ansari opens by dissing 3-D: “The big thing in movies this year was 3-D movies. Some people don’t like 3-D, I love 3-D – but full disclosure, I also think headaches are dope, so I’m a little bit biased. Some people do like 3-D too much though. They’re like ‘oh man, I just saw this movie in 3-D, it looked so real!’ You know what else looks real? Movies! Any movie that came out recently, it looks real. I mean, Julie & Julia looks real. I don’t watch that movie and go ‘pssh, those aren’t people! Those aren’t pots and pans! No one’s really sauteeing butter in that scene!’ It looks real. You know what doesn’t look real, though? Clash of the Titans, Alice in Wonderland and Avatar. Those movies look like video games!”
Zac Efron’s in the crowd looking sort of offended and/or clueless at everything for some reason. Now Ansari’s rollin’ all up on Twilight, and Kristen Stewart is laughing as he mocks New Moon’s marriage-proposal cliffhanger. “We know she’s gonna say yes! That’s not how cliffhangers work, Twilight!”
The cast of Grown-Ups comes out next. Reading the comedy patter with the enthusiasm of wet dogs on barbituates, announcing Best Female Performance goes unsurprisingly to Kristen Stewart. She’s weearing a shiny gold top and a gray skirt, with hair pulled back. She’s trying to be calm and laid-back, but she’s still a bit shaky. It’s cute that she’s trying to be more comfortable with public attention instead of shying away so much, but she’s not quite there yet.
Now a brief and odd Jersey Shore promo glitch, at least here on the west coast feed. The award for Best Situation goes to The Situation. I’m not the target audience for that show.
Jonah Hill, Russell Brand and Sean Diddy Combs come out next, although their movie Get Him To The Greek lost to Shrek this weekend at the box office. They’re making more Twilight jokes. Russell calls him “Puffy” and compares Team Jacob vs. Team Edward to the east coast vs. west coast gangsta rap wars that killed Biggie and Tupac. Sean walks off stage after plugging the movie but before the award is presented, faking outrage that Brand keeps calling him Puff. Best Breakout Star is won by Anna Kendrick, surprisingly enough. She doesn’t talk much, just says she knows she’s not cool enough to win this award, but is gracious anyway.
Oh good lord, Ed Helms and Ken Jeong doing interpretive dance about The Hangover in crazy costumes. Helms is at the piano in a Elton John/Lady Gaga style cloud costume, while Jeong is wearing a tiger-striped one-piece thong thing. Only for a minute before Les Grossman screams them off-stage, and appears himself… and Ludacris is gonna back him up with a beat, and we’re going to have a Bald Tom Cruise dance party. Complete with hired front-row dancers that are MTV’s norm. And… J.Lo Jennifer Lopez joins him on stage in something very shiny and fringey Katie Holmes in the crowd is highly amused by that bit of fun. Standing O from the crowd.
Dinner for Schmucks stars Steve Carell and Paul Rudd present “Best Scared As Sh*t Performance.” A minor poop joke before getting right to it. The big stars seem to be painting by numbers here – besides Cruise, who’s giving it his all. Is it possible the MTV Movie Awards has jumped the shark? Amanda Seyfried wins for Jennifer’s Body. She says she’s still proud of the movie, despite the fact that not a lot of people saw it. So maybe you’ll see it now.
Here’s the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows exclusive sneak peek thing, but it’s only part 1, but we’re closing in on the end of this giant franchise. There’s gonna be a Potter/Weasley fight. Let’s hope they broke it into two movies for more reasons than just milking money out of the series.
Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel from the super-fun blast action movie The A-Team are out presenting Best Kiss. They throw a Kiss Cam out over the audience, and Russell Brand and Jonah Hill make out like gangbusters. Then Clark Duke of Hot Tub Time Machine gets kiss comedy hijinks. No surprise, it’s K-Stew and R-Pattz as winners. This time, they crank up the awkward, joking that it takes a lot of smoke and mirrors to make them look good kissing. So they milk the screaming crowds. They may or may not have actually done it, because R-Pattz turned his back to the crowd for it. Either way, it was brief and kooky and not what the fans want, but they’re never gonna give ‘em that.
Jason Segel is out being jokingly creepy towards Miranda Cosgrove of iCarly. Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg follow them out to prform “California Girls.” Perry’s dangling on a surfboard above the stage. Floating downwards like the Silver Surfer, except not silver at all. Now it’s a bikini-top Daisy-Dukes dance party. I am not the target audience for this song.
Aziz is back with a “Stunt Kidz” sketch. Okay. Aziz isn’t much of a presence tonight.
Betty White, Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson are here to present Sandra Bullock with her MTV Generation Award. This is a love fest. Cooper talks first, the star of All About Steve, Razzie Award winner, which doesn’t go without mention. He’s got about 100 nicknames for her, and she’s laughing at every one. The Proposal star Betty calls her “grace defined” and jokes that their sex scenes were cut from the theatrical release. She stumbles a little over the teleprompter as she’s making fun jokes about mixing up the details of Bullock’s career, but she’s Betty White. She can do whatever she wants. They throw it to ScarJo, who jokes that she’s got nothing to say. The Sandy Montage includes Demolition Man, which is where I first started crushing on her. I like this woman, and I’m glad she’s getting this big gushing of support. This is her first public appearance since the whole Jesse James fiasco. What will she say?
She has to cut off the huge standing ovation. “Sit down! We’re on a time limit here, people,” she said. “We’re on live television. Thank you so much. A lot I want to say and clear up, but first I’d like to thank Bradley for still calling me his friend given that the only film he’s ever been in that bombed was one I made. I’d like to thank Betty for being such an extraordinary woman. I love her more every day and it’s not just because of her extraordinary work. It’s because of the person she is and the life she lives. I want your life. I’m serious, I want your life. I want your life.” Pause to let Betty come tell her she should never wear her backless gown backwards.
“So the Generation award is an award for old people who have extended their welcome and we should make nice and leave so someone new can come in, because that’s not gonna happen. I’m staying, because no matter what you might have seen or heard or read lately, I love what I do and I’m not going anywhere. Speaking of what you might have read or heard lately, I thought I’d take this moment to clear up a couple things. Just a few. Number one, I’m not dead. Number two, everybody has cellulite, not just me. Paparazzi need more flattering lenses. Whoever established the high road and how high it was going to be should be fired. And I’ve never gone 14 days without showering while chain-smoking while crying on the shoulder of my sweet Aunt Lootie. I shower twice a day, I don’t smoke, and sweet Aunt Lootie died a year ago, though I know she’s really happy just to be mentioned.”
She then starts a conversation with ScarJo asking why she’s there. She’s says she’s there in place of her husband Ryan Reynolds to accept their award for Best Kiss, and when it’s pointed out that they didn’t win, Sandy and Scarlett slowly build up to kissing each other to the delight of the crowd.
“Now that we have done that, can we please go back to normal? Because therapy is really expensive. Go back to making fun of me. It’s time to get back to normal, and I think when we all go to bed tonight, we should think about all the people that are being affected in the Gulf and just say a prayer for them and hope everything’s going to be okay. Thank you!”
Sounds like she’d love to say a lot more about Jesse James, but she’s sticking to that high road. More power to you, Sandy.
Cut to the cast of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World coming out for the “Best WTF Moment” award and proceeds to swear a lot making references to each nominee, including Aubrey Plaza declaring she’s going to find wherever Megan Fox is tonight and f**k her. Ken Jeong wins for The Hangover to nobody’s surprise, and he delivers a surprisingly tearful speech touting his wife’s recovery from breast cancer being the reason he changed careers from being a doctor to being an actor. Yes, he was actually a real doctor. A shout out to the cast of Community, too, my favorite show. Oh, big shock, Orbitz gum paid for this category.
Aziz is out doing an R. Kelly impression to mock the heck out of Avatar some more. Let this be the harbinger of the Avatar backlash. And a hearty “f**k you, BP!” for good measure. Well done, Mr. Ansari.
Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson and Eva Mendes of The Other Guys stroll on out now to present Best Villain. And, of course, Marky Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell are dangling from above for comedy gold. Marky Mark says he was supposed to land on Eva’s face like Sacha Baron Cohen landed on Eminem last year. Tom Felton wins for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Really? As annoying people say, “whatevs.” But Marky Mark and Ferrell still dangle and heckle Felton as he tries to give a speech, which is a bit obnoxious. Wow, Christoph Waltz was actually there. Nobody outvillained that guy this year. Just sayin’.
Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan and Shaun White, Olympic Carrot Top, presenting Biggest Badass Star. Rain wins for Ninja Assassin, which leads me to think Rain is the only one of the nominees they could get to show up, if he beat out Angelina Jolie, Channing Tatum and Sam Worthington. Did that many people really see that movie to vote it in?
Here’s the Twilight crew – the lovely boys and K-Stew, presenting new footage from The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. No surprise, it’s puffing-chest moody-glare man-drama over Bella between Jacob and Edward to maximize the squealing of the crowd. Stuff may finally start to happen in this third movie. Fingers crossed.
Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgens bringing out the Best Male Performance. Team Edward wins! SQUEEEEEE! Pattinson’s hair is actually neat and clean for once – maybe all the ‘you look dirty and skeevy’ talk has finally gotten to him. He thanks his parents for conceiving him, and thanks Kristen as almost an afterthought, and she eye-rolls a bit about it.
Ed Helms calls himself Christopher Mintz-Plasse from the future, which I hadn’t noticed until about right now, but seeing them standing next to each other, he could very well be. They introduce some crazy Christina Aguilera action, who has her hair done up like Pink and is going super-elaborate with the costuming – Lady Gaga has changed everything, hasn’t she? The era of the insanely impractical and wacky outfit is here again. Good lord! It ends on a zoom-in close-up of Aguilera’s crotch, with a light-up flashing heart on it! Well, Treat my Williams, I didn’t expect that! Although Xtina’s never been afraid of getting drrty.
Zach Galifianakis checks in for another Aziz bit about being a ridiculous “swagger coach.” Okay. Ken Jeong thought it was hilarious. The Twilight kids look bored.
Zac Efron is here to present Best Comedic Performance, offering a lame joke. As expected, Galifianakis wins for going balls-out (literally) in The Hangover. Literally. Aziz accepts as his swagger coach, and jokes about being responsible for Aguilera’s “glowing red heart over her vagina.” He also mocks Mark Wahlberg for interrupting Felton’s speech. “Mark Wahlberg, if you say some sh*t while I’m thanking my mom, I will slap you in the face!” Well done once again, Mr. Ansari.
Now, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz of Knight and Day hope you enjoyed Les Grossman enough to go see their movie. They’re busting out the Best Movie to end the show, and they laugh that somebody screamed “Show me the money!” at him. Oh snap, The Twilight Saga: New Moon wins. Shocker! They let Peter Facinelli, the Cullen patriarch, do the speaking, and he revels in the freedom to use the F-word while thanking everyone, but he respectfully doesn’t use it for Stephenie Meyer “because you’re Mormon.”
Aziz closes the show by yelling “what a surprise! Twilight won everything! Good-bye, famous people!”
Overall, not the most painful award show I’ve ever seen, but honestly, when have you ever seen an award show that was a rollicking good time from start to finish? They’re more of a good idea in theory rather than practice, aren’t they?