‘The Bachelorette’: Of Mice and Men

Ali and Roberto on The Bachelorette (ABC)

Ali and Roberto on The Bachelorette (ABC)

The drama is heating up on ‘The Bachelorette,’ thanks to the emotional unraveling of the boy toys! While some guys are still looking pretty perfect in every way (i.e. Roberto, Chris L.), we’re seeing others dudes’ skeletons jumping out of the closet like bugaboos! The Weatherman and Justin have turned out to be cry babies, and Frank’s sanity is getting shiftier by the second! (We’re just waiting for Kasey’s serial killah stalker instincts to emerge, but that’ll have to wait til next episode.)

Without further adieu, here are some highlights that’ll make you go Hmmm…

Besame Mucho
Alright, what can we really say about Ali and Roberto’s date? Might as well cancel the rest of the season–we got a winner, folks. The All American Girl and Latin Lover have an auspicious date dangling on wires between skyscrapers, a copycat version of Jillian and Ed’s first date from last season. But this time, Mr. Hotness does something Ed doesn’t: He kisses Ali in mid-air! Whoo doggie!

We find out that Roberto has traveled the world, knows a few languages, and has the ability to intimidate the shiz out of Ali…Hello, does anybody else agree that Roberto is out of girlfriend’s league?! To make a long story short, he gets the prized rose at the end of the shebang and lots of face sucking commences.

Unless we find out later that he secretly dresses in his granny’s panties for kicks, this hombre is clearly a hubby contender, and Ali would be a nut job if she didn’t snag him!

Barenaked Emotions
We feel sorry for the Barenaked Ladies. Why in the world would they want their new music vid to feature these reality TV corndogs? Chris Harrison must’ve hooked the band up with some serious grade A cannabis to convince them this was the best way to get publicity.

Anyhoo, the bachelors on the group date are ordered to act out major kiss-fest scenes with Ali. Frank gets slapped around, Kirk gets hot and heavy with Lady Love, (which in turn, makes Frank twitch with paranoia and insecurity), and what does the Weatherman do at the thought of having to lay a wet one on his potential love interest? He cries in fear like a wittle girl. Like literally. Apparently, he’s never kissed anything…well, maybe a pillow. “It’s like a rocket ship that blew up,” he says about their passionate smooch. He forgot to mention that that rocket ship blew up in his Old Navy briefs.

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At the rooftop dinner party, Frank tries to convince himself that Kirk’s eternal lip-lock with Ali was merely acting. “You’re kissing her as part of a scene,” he tells the happy canary-haired dude. But Captain Kirk puts his statement to the test when Ali allows him to reenact the scene again in the hot tub–but this time it’s for reals! Frank can’t deal with the sight of their tonsil hockey and decides to cannon ball the lusty moment. (He would’ve done it in his birthday suit, but he didn’t want to sting his twins.) The other guys follow suit. And yes, to the hyperactive bud’s dismay, his blond enemy gets the rose! Noooo!

The Limping Strategy
Unbeknownst to the guys, Justin decides to limp out all the way to Ali’s pad to ensure that WWE contract will come sooner than later! He pulls out some old photos of “the women in his life” (too bad he forgot to show the pics of his girlfriends) and relays his sob story of not having a daddy figure. Ali is so touched she almost forgets she has a one-on-one with Willem Dafoe Jr.–Hunter, that is.

Hunter Doesn’t Catch His Prey
Hunter doesn’t know why it’s taking Ali so dang long to pick him up. She eventually brings him over to her place, and they barbecue. In a nutshell, their date is one of the most boring friggin dates in recent ‘Bachelorette’ history–and it’s written all over Ali’s face. They jump into the hot tub, and let’s just say the crickets were having better conversation.

“Uhhh, let’s make smores,” the unamused blond says with a sigh. Before we even get to see any stinkin marshmallows come out, she lays it out that there’s no “romantic connection.” Hunter is the first dude who gets wiggity wiggity whacked!

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Odd Man Out
Apparently, there’s a whole slew of footage the editors left out of Justin being a shady character–because that dude totally cried rivers (albeit the crocodile variety) last night to convince the gang he was there to win Ali’s heart–but the guys still screamed foul! But we figure the missing footage is all on purpose. The producers don’t want us to know that Justin’s real motivation is to get his hands on sparkly Speedos labeled ‘Rated R’ with matching knee and elbow pads! They want him to look like he’s a victim and that the guys are just being meanies, especially Ty and Craig R., who keep calling him out as being a fake. The fact that good ole Southern boy Ty doesn’t like him makes for a strong case that Justin might be motivated by publicity, but any time old-timer Craig R. opens up his disapproving yapper–it just takes us back to when our grandpas scolded us when we were wee little bairns.

Ali knows that Justin isn’t winning any Mr. Popular votes in the house, but because she’s still feeling crazy guilty for treating Vienna the way the guys are treating him, she keeps him in the game.

No Petals for You!

We guess looking like The Count from Sesame Street doesn’t help your chances for landing the girl–hence, John C. gets booted off. Sadly, Stephen is the other victim–his inability to pop the cork off the bottle in a timely fashion may have cost him a rose. (And we’re speaking literally here, folks.)

Highlights From Next Episode
Traveling around the world! The Lion King! Kasey cutting his wrist?! Kasey singing like a Backstreet Boy–but sounding weirder! Ali drops her head in disgust! Ahhhh!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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