‘Real Housewives of NYC’ Reunion Part 3: Point Of No Return

(Heidi Gutman/Bravo)

(Heidi Gutman/Bravo)

Can’t. Take. It. Anymore. Thank the good lawd this freaking ‘Real Housewives of NYC’ reunion is finito! The deluge of estrogen pouring out of the tube last night caused me to jump off my Bob-O-Pedic discounted mattress and pace back and forth doing the Ramona Crazy Eyes. I wanted to break my remote control with my teeth! Argghh!

Although some of the drama went back to Jill, the majority of the ire was bestowed onto the mentally crippled Sasquatch (Kelly), while the Countess’ segment added some much-needed testosterone into the mix.

Here are some highlights that’ll make you wish your blood type was Pinot Grigio…

Let’s Do the Humpty Dance
After Bethenny’s “Humpty Dumpty” comment, Kelly coolly returns to the set to ensure her victimization status is still intact. Although she apologizes to Sonja about labeling her a bully, the latter keeps it real by saying there was no “systematic bullying” and that Miss Mt. Everest derailed their good time.

According to ‘Team Bully’ across the couch, Kelly didn’t leave Poison Island on her own accord; she was apparently escorted off of it by a fed-up producer, who probably realized she needed to be tranquilized like a rabid animal.

Watch Kelly’s Walk Off:

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As the ladies scream about Kelly’s funkdafied actions on the trip, the Jelly Belly Inhaler interjects by saying that Ramona’s “blood type is Pinot Grigio.” Okay, I hate to say it, but one point for the freakazoid. Nice line–even Jill agrees.

“So you take no responsibility?” asks a disgusted Bethenny. “What is it? Are you so jealous?” Kelly retorts. (Uhh, possessing the mental stability of someone on ‘Shutter Island’ and the body type of a preying mantis aren’t exactly sought-after attributes.)

The Uninvited
Oh, good intentions–how we wuv you! But isn’t there a saying that “The road to hell is paved with good intentions?” And so it seems that it was the red-headed Lawwwng Islander who created that odious road down under when she made the unwelcomed visit to Ramona’s renewal soiree.

“I went with the right intentions!” Jill screams to Ramona. In response, Kelly quietly picks fleas out of the tips of her hair. Ramona, who’s left eye is blood-shot out of frustration, yells back that she, too, meant no wrong when she rejected her long-time friend. For the third time, the blond jumps off the couch (she claims she’s overheated by her dress; we figure she’s having hot flashes) and grabs Jill’s arms out of rage. She throws out an expletive and declares that Jill could’ve found an opportunity to apologize, dammit!

Because the redhead has something against people who channel the devil, she goes after Miss Spread Eagle McCord and says she’s the instigator, especially with her scary I-Want-to-Fang-You facial expressions.

Kelly jumps in and tries to bring the convo back to her; everyone tells her to shut it. She resumes flea-picking and whispers her favorite word “vile” as the ladies continue their scream-fest. Jill wah wahs some more, and Andy decides to move on because he’s about to have hot flashes.

Manning Up
It’s really reassuring that out of the sea of squeaky, complaining vocal chords, a husky manly smoker’s voice comes forth to add some diversity. Let’s give some gruff shout-outs to the Countess! A lovely montage takes us through her divorce, her dates with the slimy Carson Kressley/Gerard Depardieu look-alike (who is believed by many haters to be a face licker), her hunt for the perfect royal apartment, her studio time with short-of-a-few teeth producer boy Chris Young, and her Cougarlicious affair with the lil’ French Mensch.

Unbelievably, we discover that the Countess’ craptastic music experiment is one of the top ten downloaded songs in iTunes! “I’m no Mariah Carey, but I can carry a tune,” she says matter-of-factly. The ladies all politely smile but are laughing their bajunka junks off inside.

Kelly: When Words Get in the Way
What can we really say about this segment? To say Kelly is a walking contradiction would be an understatement–from acting like a prude one moment to posing on the cover of Playboy; to saying she’s all for PETA but draping herself in fur; to claiming she doesn’t drink but seeing her Patroning it up; and to declaring she doesn’t eat processed foods whilst gorging on gummy bears–this is a 42-year-old woman with the maturity of a 15-year-old girl who’s gone coo coo for Coco Puffs.

Kelly Calls Out the Ladies on Bullying:

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Her response to the indisputable evidence that she’s a whack job? “I’m contradictory, so what? Stop judging me. Just celebrate who I am!” she says, as if everyone except for her belongs on schizo meds. She goes on to say that the bullies a few feet away from her are “unpredictable” (i.e. “dangerous”). By now, Andy’s had it and contemplates going butch on her by breaking her hollow head.

Final Thoughts
While some of the Housewives pretend to be “iffy” on returning for another season, we all know they’ll be back–because what would their existence mean if they weren’t in front of our screens for us to holler at? I personally would like a Barbie version of all of them, especially Simon.

For all you happily-ever-after folks, it looks like there’s a small chance that Beth and Jill will make up since they were all tears and hugs at the end. But who knows? Maybe B’s hormones are still nutso from the baby, and she’ll soon realize that no matter how many latkes Miss Big Mouth makes for her, their friendship really doesn’t have enough hutzpuh to make it through any more Mean Girl storms.

The moral of the story: Be thankful that you’re middle class and you’re not Kelly. Until next season, my fine furballs, I bid you adieu!

Catch the Best Moments of the Season:

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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