‘The Bachelorette’: Icy Hot Love Bombs

Ali (Steve Fenn/ABC)

Ali (Steve Fenn/ABC)

Last night’s ‘Bachelorette’ episode gets an A+ for its Icelandic-tastic cinematography and an F- for its intrigue. The show was so yawn-worthy, we’d rather have watched Chris Harrison eat rotten shark with his ABC interns and exchange his American dollars for krona–in slo mo.

Despite poetry recitations, cute horses in the wintry snow, and even hearing Chris N. speak (!), we must demand to get those two hours of our lives back!

Here are some highlights that’ll make you want to wear matching sweaters…

The Secret
Thanks to his love poem, Captain Kirk snags the one-on-one date with Ali. The two embark on a giggle fest, frolicking through the cobblestone streets and promoting the ugly American tourist stereotype as they make fun of Icelandic fashion! Hee hee–what fun!

As they sport coupledom sweaters, the blondies sit inside a coffee shop, and Mr. Happy Slappy admits he’s never had a relationship longer than a year and can’t say a bad thing about the amazing women he’s dated. After he makes this confession and amps up Ali’s warning radar, we’re guessing the ‘big secret’ he’s been keeping from her is that he has a serious case of itchy crabs in his briefs. But not so. Strangely, his admission is about a serious illness he once had from a toxic frat house he used to live in. Because Ali is so relieved he isn’t a walking STD, she loves up on him and gives him the coveted rose. They slobber all over each other and celebrate each other’s recessive genes.

Who’s Hot, Who’s Cold
Trekking through the mountainous terrain in subzero temperatures with stumpy My Little Ponies reveals what these metro men are made of on the group date, and one frozen losah and a couple hot potential rose winners emerge. The Losah? Let’s give it up for Frankmeister! Seeing all the guys slobbering all over ‘his woman’ and fighting to wait on her hand-and-foot makes him pull back and keep his mental twitches to himself. He festers to the point of constipation. Ali notices and is turned off.

As for the winners? Ty has an advantage because he’s got the whole Southern boy-horse connection, while Chris L. decides to get frostbite by offering Ali his mittens.

The Blue Lagoon:

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Steam Room
But things start getting steamy when the group heads over to The Blue Lagoon. Once Ali strips down into her itsy bitsy bikini, the boys follow suit. Grandaddyo Craig R. gets so excited at the sight of Ali’s taut tummy that he accidentally pulls down everything and moons the camera.

Besides that butt-nauseating sight, the boys have a fun time doggie paddling and showing off their synchronized swimming techniques to Ali as she drinks up the bubbly to no end. Ty sails away with the blond by allowing her to use him as a raft–his ears rowing them to a quiet place. Chris L. gets some one-on-one time with her and steals some kisses, but Ali questions whether there is romantic chemistry between them. True dat.

Frank is so angry at seeing his beloved horsing around with the other hairy beasts that he decides to take advantage of the lobster burrito he ate earlier on the trip and play Mr. Bubble by himself. Later, Ali condemns his sulkiness and tells him to buck up and focus on the prize. He bows down to her and gets his crazy mojo back!

After much whiny slurring and stupid comments like “Oh, it’s a Beauty and the Beast rose!”, an inebriated Ali gives the rose to Ty.

The Lover and The Fighter
Kasey and Justin go head-to-head on the two-on-one date with the Ice Queen. Of course, Mr. Guardian & Protector of Hearts despises the wrestler, but Justin finds his nemesis more of an amusing obstacle, a fun yet somewhat weak competitor. Oh, and don’t you know Rated R likes competition! “When you see fear in your opponent’s eyes, you gotta take him out,” he says licking his lips with hunger. He brings on his A-game by losing his crutches and pimping it out in a grey plastic cast.

On Top of the Volcano:

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Being obsessed with helicopter rides, ABC whisks the three odd balls toward the now infamous unpronounceable spewing volcano and lands them near a cave that hides an icicle fantasy land. Justin whispers sweet lies into Ali’s suspicious ears while they freeze their bubbly rumps off on an ice couch, but it’s ultimately Kasey’s obsessive Romeo love and revelation of his corndog tattoo that prompts Ali to realize that hearing Justin’s ‘Rater R’ voice is better than hearing Kermit’s!

“Ali gave two roses today–one to Justin and one to Rated R,” the limper proclaims with a slimy smirk. We watch Ali and the rose-winning man hop into the helicopter, leaving a sad waving Kasey to freeze to death on the snowy slope and sing one last Backstreet song. (And no, we can’t tell you which one because we’d need subtitles for that.)

Cocktail Cromagnons
Frank repents and gets proactive to get special time with Ali. He says her intelligence is what makes her so attractive, but we know that what he’s really saying is that he wants to eat her brains. Crazy people do that.

Craig R. gets a bonus point for making a funny when he reveals a pen drawn tattoo on his wrist. Ali cracks up, and we figure grandpappy’s shenanigans will help him last one or two more episodes. Boy better get his walking cane ready.

Ali takes Roberto aside and rightfully admits that she thinks he’s too hot for her. Oooh, Roberto!

Unfortunately, while these dudes find redemption in their actions (or by just merely looking fine), the ever-silent Chris N. decides to finally speak, but his feminine wistful voice, distant stares, and 15-minute pauses in between sentences pull the plug on any interest Ali may have had with him. “Tell me about your fun side,” pleads the blond in an attempt to find anything human about Chris N. His reply? “I like Mexican food…” (If only he had a few tequila shots before he decided to get his one-on-one time).

Freudian Time With Chris Harrison
While Ali gets some couch time with Chris, little does she know that the host is going to tear her heart into wittle pieces with his Mr. Miyagi grin and piercing words of truthiness!

The moving convo happens like so:

Chris H: “Tell me about Kermit…”
Ali: “I think Kasey fell in love with the idea of falling of love. My decision was best not only for me: It was best for him.”
Chris H: “I think you’re afraid to fall in love, young grasshoppa.”
Ali [dumbfounded]: “I…I’m being cautious.”
Chris [raising an eyebrow, smiling sweetly]: “What are you so afraid of?”
Ali: “I’m sure I’ll fall in love, but I’m terrified I won’t be loved back.”
Chris: “Now, Ali, you can’t make ABC spend all these Benjamins and say stupid shizatz like that.”

Frozen Face Goes Home
Not a huge surprise, emotionless Chris N. gets the boot. “I’m kind of at a loss for words,” his voice trails off. We’re really surprised he has nothing to say. Maybe Ali has something against Mexican food.

Highlights From Next Episode
Istanbul, Turkey! Magic carpets! Hummus! Kabobs! Ali’s (finally) scared of Frank! Half-naked boys wrestling in olive oil! Ali finds a cheater! So long Rated R!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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