Jake & Vienna: Splitsville Turns Into Slamville (Already?!)

Jake and Vienna (Photo: Getty Images)

Jake and Vienna (Photo: Getty Images)

Fame is what brought ‘Bachelor‘ contestants Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi together, and fame is what tore them apart–or could it have been Jake’s devotion to his two left feet or Vienna’s supposed ‘stalkerazzi’ tendencies? Who knows?

Rumors and allegations are flying like hotcakes, and we don’t which ones to pour the Aunt Jemima on! While their publicist may have asked us to “respect their privacy at this time,” earlier Tuesday morning, it took, oh, just about 15 minutes before the two D-listers began gabbing about what made their lust love fizzle.

Here’s a cumulative list of the ‘He Said/She Said/Someone Said’ reasons why their relationship went kaput:

He Said
– “I don’t have a comment. I don’t really know what’s going on.” (Us Magazine)

– “I’m saddened by the whole thing. Sometimes love just isn’t enough in a relationship.” (TMZ)

– “No matter what happens, Vienna and I will remain friends.” (Us Magazine)

Our Analysis: Fame! I’m gonna live forevah! is the name of the game for Fakey Jakey who wants to look like the good ole boy in search of love when really, he was looking for a few good scripts in Tinseltown. But we were on to him like Tabasco on eggs! You can’t trust a goodie-two-shoes who thinks ‘darn’ is a dirty word and who’s a Chuck Norris thespian.

She Said (and oh, did she evah!)
– “We haven’t been intimate in months now. At first his excuse was that he was fasting. The second excuse was that he didn’t feel like it. And the third excuse was that he said that he felt that I wouldn’t understand that he wants to wait until marriage, even though I told him I’d support him. Then the last excuse was that we fight so much that I push him away.I was like, really — which excuse is it? I literally have been living six months with this guy who won’t be intimate with me!” (Star Magazine)

– “He kisses me only if we’re on a red carpet or if cameras are there. Besides that, I have to ask for a kiss–and if I do, he’ll pucker his lips and just peck me. I’m like, that’s how I kiss my grandmother!” (Star Magazine)

– “The accusations of me cheating are completely fabricated. 100% False.” (Vienna’s tweet)

Our Analysis: When you’re dating a possible homosexual, Vienna darling, you probably won’t have sex as often as you’d like. But we applaud you for your smarts in going to get your hair done at an expensive salon right before your break up with your fiance and holding onto that $50K ring–lack of cash flow in the near future calls for such measures to be taken.

Someone Said
– Vienna was flirtatious and cheated on Jake with ABC Family ‘Greek’ actor Gregory Michael. (‘Bachelor’ show sources)

– “I don’t think [Jake] ever really loved her … I think he picked her because she is a dramatic person and it was good for the ratings. In real life, they never kissed, didn’t have a romantic relationship and he never told her that he loved her.” (Vienna’s stepmom Lisa via TMZ)

– “[Vienna] was kind of stalkerish. She wanted to spend a lot of time with him. Everywhere he would go, she would go. Rehearsals, photo shoots, practice. She was the only significant other there sometimes … it was a little weird.” (‘Dancing with the Stars’ staffer via The Hollywood Gossip)

Our Analysis: We believe it all. The more outlandish the allegation, the truer it probably is. Because in Jake and Vienna’s world, being dishonest about your past, present, and future is the only truth they know, and besides, they’d probably want to go out with a bang! Now if only we can get the two separatists to crash that All-Star reunion show this summer…

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Jake and Vienna Split Up:

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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