‘True Blood’ Recap: Hotter Than A Shirtless Werewolf

Joe Manganiello as Alcide in True Blood (HBO)

Joe Manganiello as Alcide in True Blood (HBO)

Welcome to the first post-Outstanding Drama Series Emmy nomination ‘True Blood‘ recap.  How awesome is it that this crazy, sexy, beautiful show got some love from the academy?  This is my first time officially recapping the show, so retract your fangs, chill out with a glass of V, and let’s get started.   This was my favorite episode of the season so far, because everything is coming together.  Plus, there was plenty of skin.

Sookie and Alcide Perform The Rituals of Sexual Tension

Sookie engages in Television Sexual Cliche #7 as she cleans a shirtless Alcide’s wounds.  I think Alcide should be shirtless all the time.  The dude is built.  He exposits that be broke up with ex-fiancee Debbie a month ago.  Bill phones and, still pretending that he is now on Team Russell, robotically tells Sookie he is breaking up with her and leaving Bon Temps forever. She wisely realizes someone is listening.  He tells her that she just had sexytimes with Lorena, omitting the part where he made her head spin like Linda Blair’s in ‘The Exorcist.’   She cries as he says that he brings her nothing but pain, even throwing out the “We’re from two different world’s” cliche and tells her not to look for him.  This exact same scene, word for word,  has played out between every single daytime soap supercouple.   There’s a reason why ‘One Life to Live‘ superfan Snoop Dogg loves this show so much. Alcide hilariously tells her this is a typical break-up scenario. He comforts her, shirtlessly.  It turns out that werewolves are hot to the touch.  I’m starting to sense that Alcide might be the OPPOSITE of Bill in every way.  OMG!

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Sookie tells Alcide she isn’t giving up the search until Bill dumps her in person.  She thinks he could be in trouble.  She thinks? Really?  She isn’t sure?  Methinks Sookie has been rendered stupid by the sight of Alcide’s abs.  Alcide’s sister, Janice (Dawn Olivieri), sporting the world’s most obvious hair extensions and a Sephora’s worth of eyeshadow,  shows up and gives Sookie a bad ass makeover consisting of fake tats and a black wig so she can fit in at Lou Pine’s. She reads Janis’s mind and learns Debbie is addicted to V and getting initiated into the biker wolf pack. Alcide is enraged when Sookie drops this on him.  At the initiation, biker Sookie does shots with Gus.  Debbie (Brittany Morgan) , whose hair is even trashier than Janis’s — like People of Wal-Mart trashy — takes an instant dislike to her. I demand an Emmy for the True Blood hairstylists!  Alcide tells Debbie he is still into her. Debbie makes out with Coot.  Sookie gets a flash of him kidnapping Bill.

Get to know Alcide:

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Things get interesting when King Russell shows up and drains his arm into shot glasses.  Whoa!  All the plot threads are coming together quickly this season.  I approve.  Russell is shaping up to be a Big Bad worthy of the name. He reminds me of something my uncle once said about ‘Lethal Weapon 2,’ “It wasn’t enough that the villains were drug dealers.  They were South African drug dealers.” All hail the Nazi vamps.  The wolves hungrily drink shots of Russell’s blood, except for Debbie, who is about to be branded. She screams as she gets initiated into the pack, in a truly creepy scene with bestiality overtones.

Bill Buys Take Out For Dinner

Bill melodramatically tells Lorena how much he hated having sex with her.  Lorena is undaunted in classic soap psycho style.  So what if he considers shagging her to be less fun then a root canal.  She wants more of that head twisting hate sex action!  Bill tells King Russell that after he fulfills his duties he wants Lorena dead. He says that Eric is selling vampire blood at the Queen’s request.  Russell asks Bill to procure a human for dinner. He goes to a strip club and uses his powers to get a lap dancer to reveal that she hates her life. He brings her back to the car so Lorena and Russell can devour her.  Her blood drips out of the car into the street.  Morally Ambiguous Dark Tormented Bill is so much more interesting than Season Two Bill.

Eric Continues To Be The Most Awesome Character On The Show

Eric floats in front of Sookie’s window until she invites him in.  She tells him he smells like the ocean in the winter. This must be a dream. And man, does Eric have a cheesy streak.  Sookie strips down to her bra and panties revealing abs that are almost as impressive as Alcide’s. Yep. Total daydream.  He’s actually in da club watching a pole dancer.

Slideshow: ‘True Blood’ Body Count

Lafayette tries to sell blood to some disinterested whitetrash. He gets his butt kicked. Eric comes to his rescue.  This is definitely the start of a beautiful friendship.  The club gets raided, thanks to Bill’s loose lips. The Magister takes Pam. Eric finds her being hung on a rack and burned. Eric says he was set up. Pam, thinking smarter than everyone else on the show, blurts out that it was Bill’s doing.  Eric says he is gathering evidence against Bill.  Surprisingly, the Magistrate seems to buy it. He gives Eric two days to prove that Bill is behind the blood selling. If he doesn’t, Pam will die.

Tara Has The Worst Luck With Guys

Franklin quizzes Tara about Bill and Sookie’s relationship. He commands her to find Sookie in Jackson.  He takes over her mind, mouthing the words that come out of her mouth when she phones Sookie. It’s a scary effect.  Sookie won’t give up her address.  Franklin bites Tara. The next time we see her she’s tied up and gagged sitting on the toilet in a motel room.  Franklin comes back bearing flowers.  Oh, this is scary hot.  He asks her if she missed him.  He takes Tara on a car ride, her hands still tied.  Franklin tells her he was lonely but now she’s his. This guy freaks me the hell out. He takes her to King Russell’s place. Damn.  This is on like Donkey Kong now.  The story structure is tight this season.

Sam’s  Family Continues To Make You Feel Better About Yours

Sam finds his White Trash Shapseshifting family sleeping in a van in his parking lot.  He gives them the  heave ho. He finds Tommy naked in the woods and gives him a brotherly pep talk, offering to get him away from trashy parents. Tommy ominously says he won’t be free of them until they die. Sam gives his moochers a place to stay. Sam is an idiot.

He does do one smart thing when he hires Jessica to be a hostess. Arlene laments that she is no longer the only red head.  Chip, Jessica’s old bible study friend, recognizes her.  He says he was “picketing the babykilling factory in Birmingham.” Jessica puts him in her thrall and makes him forget he saw her.  Hoyt watches them.

Jason Figures Out How To Job Hunt During The Recession

At Bud’s retirement party, Andy is appointed acting sheriff.  After picking a stupid fight with a high school football player, Jason orders Andy to make him a cop, threatening to reveal Andy is lying about killing Eggs.  He does sort of have a point about being the most effective crimefighter in Bon Temps.  But still, this is not going to end well.

Quotes of The Week

“I don’t have a nut sac,” Sookie points out the obvious to Alcide.

“Sometimes I think that boy’s cheese done slide right off his cracker.” – Sam’s Mama, on Tommy.

“The only way to get a promotion is to drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals and shoot a black man.” – African American female sheriff’s deputy on Andy’s appointment as sheriff.

“Let’s g,o Rupaul.”  Eric tells Lafayette to get out of his dreams, get into his car.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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