‘Real Housewives’ Cage Match: Who Has The Meanest Muscle?

Danielle Staub & Kelly Bensimon on 'The Real Housewives.' (Photo: Bravo)

Danielle Staub & Kelly Bensimon on 'The Real Housewives.' (Photo: Bravo)

Now that we’ve been thoroughly edu-muh-cated on the thug-style approach to resolving a conflict on the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ weave-pulling episode, it made us ponder who would win in an all-out battle: New York or New Jersey? Well, it depends. If the ladies were competing at a game of Scrabble, it’s probably safe to put your bets on the Big Apple. But if we’re dealing with a verbal smackdown or a mud wrestling contest, things get a little murky.

To make things fair, we’ve pulled out the main troublemakers from each show, divided them into groups, and put them in a ring.

Here is what we discovered in our scientific investigation:

The Mother Hens
Jill Zarin vs. Caroline Manzo

Caroline’s Muscle: “Let me tell you something about my family: We are thick as thieves,” says ‘Mommy Salami’ who dishes out a good deal of similar tough phrases that scare the bejesus out of you and make you think you’re gonna get capped. Don’t ever speak a bad word about this matriarch’s friends or family–or she will cut you off faster than you can say ‘Danielle Staub.’

The Curse of ‘Housewives’ Photo Gallery

Jill’s Muscle: The fellow redhead is all about family and friendship, but if you disrespect her in any way, she will make your life a living hell (ahem, Bethenny) by talking smack behind your back and trying to pit others against you. If you get up in her grill, expect to feel the wrath of her Lawwwng Island temper!

Winner: Both of these ladies have oodles of similarities, but we think Caroline gets the trophy in this match. Why? Because she’s the real deal, and the more real you are, the harder the blow! Unlike her NYC counterpart, her toughness seems to come from a place of wisdom, and she doesn’t exploit her new-found fame. Add the fact that she just lost 20 lbs, this lady has the energy and strength to TKO your heiny if you ruffle her feathers!

Watch the latest full episode of ‘The Real Housewives of NJ:’

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/The-Real-Housewives-of-New-Jersey/100621/1539063568/Country-Clubbed/embed 580 476]

The Victims
Kelly Bensimon vs. Danielle Staub

Kelly’s Muscle: Her ability to enunciate so emphatically with her Steven Tyler-sized mouth hypnotizes you into thinking she’s saying something substantial, but once you realize it’s psycho babble, POOF! You still lose because she immediately resorts to weapon #2: The Al Sharpton! (It’s an equivalent to making fun of yo mama.)

Danielle’s Muscle: Her face. Those cheeks that cut like a knife and her sleepy Cruella de Vil eyes will make you tremble. Take her to the point of no return and the Goodfella’s Jersey accent busts out like a flash flood, along with gnarling turned-in lips that reveal fierce beaver capped teeth!

The Naked Truth About ‘Real Housewife’ Danielle Staub

Winner: While both have mouths that can make your ears explode, Danielle would win in this match. Kelly has a history of attacking and then taking off like a scared Pomeranian–and while this past Monday’s episode shows Danielle uncharacteristically hiding behind stone walls, she still has that time bomb-ticking vicious killer instinct about her. Beware!

Watch the weave-pulling craziness:

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/CelebTV/105735/1543138904/Teresa-and-Danielle-s-Fight-on-RHONJ/embed 580 476]

The Aggressors
Bethenny Frankel vs. Teresa Giudice

Bethenny’s Muscle: Her fierce Scorpio-stinging tongue and temper! You push her buttons (i.e. call her a ‘cook,’ ‘ho bag’ or mention ‘lemons’), and she’s off like a cheetah is to a gazelle on your behind! Do not mess with this Skinny Girl–she doesn’t care if you’re six feet tall. She’ll bite!

‘Real Housewife’ Bethenny Frankel Opens Up on Destructive Childhood

Teresa’s Muscle: She’s from Paterson, NJ, biatches. Underneath that sweet demeanor and two-inch tall forehead is a sensitive girl who doesn’t like to be reminded that she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. You make her look like an idiot or worse–throw out the word ‘foreclosure’–and she will toss over tables like a magic trick gone bad and tornado through like the Tasmanian Devil wrapped in a chinchilla shrug!

Winner: This is a really hard one. The difference between these two divas is where their rage comes from. Bethenny’s toughness is a byproduct of a jacked up childhood. Teresa’s anger is from being raised in the hood and failing Civility 101…and well, a lot of academic junior high courses. If we had to pick, we might just have to give the ribbon to Teresa. Her ability to go from sweet to ballistic in a nanosecond is enough to categorize her as a dangerous wild chimp.

Watch the best moments of ‘The Real Housewives of NY:’

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/The-Real-Housewives-of-New-York-City/98644/1523215691/Best-Moments-from-This-Season/embed 580 476]

What do you think? And which of the other NYC and NJ Housewives do you think are good matches to duel it out it for the ultimate catfight?

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

, , , , , , ,

Comments are closed.