‘True Blood’ Recap: Sookie’s Got Some Magic Hands!

True Blood (HBO)

True Blood (HBO)

After a dark start to the season, this episode of ‘True Blood‘ was the comedy interlude.  The episode’s writer Nancy Oliver, who was nominated for an Oscar for writing ‘Lars and the Real Girl‘ deserves a shout out.  But, at this point, all of the Bon Temps scenes drag.  The whole show could move to Jackson. I am not sure why Jason and Sam are still on the show.  Lafayette, of course, can stick around.

Hail, Hail The Gang’s All Here

Tara is still tied up at King Russell’s house when in walks the King, Lorena,  and Bill, still covered with the blood of the stripper they devoured. Surprise!  Tara begs Bill for help. He says,”No.”  I know he’s under deep cover, but I kind of like true-to-his-nature Bill.  If you’re a vampire, be a vampire!  Screw that Edward Cullen crap. Yeah, I’m Team Damon.  And Angelus.

Meanwhile Alcide and Sookie speed down the road in his truck. He continues to be emo about Debbie, reminiscing about the good old days when she played horseshoes with his Dad.   Sookie is all, “Yeah, but she was just crawling around naked on a stage while a guy branded her.  Girl is too skanky for ‘Rock of Love.'”   Sookie wants to ask the King where Bill is.  Alcide refuses to introduce her.

Comcast HBO subscribers: watch the episode here

Alcide is smart enough to know that if he is going to have a pointless argument with Debbie, he ought to do it shirtless. Thank you, Alan Ball.  Sookie makes it clear to Debbie that she and Alcide are just friends.  Sookie reads Alcide’s mind and gets him to reveal that his pack master is in charge of most decisions about the pack.  Sookie accompanies him when he tells the pack master, Colonel Flood, about the werewolf-vampire alliance. The pack master tells him to wait it out.  Sookie reads his mind and realizes he is afraid.

Cooter tells Bill that Sookie is nailing Alcide.  Bill goes postal.  He goes to Sookie, who tells her to leave, saying there is no hope for him.  Russell and Cooter show up.  Sookie uses the crazy lightning bolt power that comes out of her hand to send Russell flying, like she did last season with Maryann.  As he says, it’s fantastic.

This Is Why It’s Not That Awesome When A Vampire Decides You’re His One True Love

Franklin shows the King some photos.  He demands cash, despite the King’s claim that when he gets money he gambles it all away.  Franklin insists he and Tara are MEANT TO BE!!!!!  The King tells Franklin he knows Bill is lying to him and asks him to track down Sookie.  Franklin blurts out that she’s right there, in Jackson.

Franklin dresses Tara in a granny nightgown and ties her to a bed. Kinky!  He gets jealous of her text message from Lafayette, then hilariously tries to figure out which swear words to use to impersonate Tara.  Then he tries to impress her with his mad texting skillz.  Tara uses her teeth to untie herself while Franklin sleeps.  She gets outside the house, only to get caught by Cooter.  Franklin doesn’t get why she wants to leave him.  He weeps saying, “You have no idea how much you love me.  I feel like I’ve been staked.”  Ha! Ha! This guy is approaching ‘Buffy’ Season Two Spike levels of awesomeness.  Tara pretends to be into him, but points out she needs food to survive.  His solution is to take her to Shoney’s (hee) than turn her.He asks her to be his vampire bride.  Tara freaks the hell out.

Eric, The Viking

Eric shows up for an audience with Russell.  At this rate, the whole show is going to take place in the King’s house. He wants permission to hunt for Bill, who is wanted for selling vampire blood. Russell summons Bill. Oops.  Eric is so busted.  He perks up when he realizes this means Sookie is single and ready to mingle.  Uh, Eric, if that was your plan, maybe you should have hired someone less insanely hot to guard her.  Just saying. Eric fesses up, explaining he only sold Bill out to save Queen Pam from the Magister.  Russell professes to be a Magister hater and thinks there’s a way to make everything work out.

Lorena and Eric totally know each other. The houseboy shows Eric King Russell’s erotica collection.  He flashes back to viking times I think.  He has no interest in his father’s attempts to marry him off. While he is banging a stable girl, his family is killed by werewolves.  A hooded figure tells him not to be a hero.  King Russell? On his deathbed Eric’s Dad makes Eric King and orders him to get vengeance on the wolves.

Meanwhile, Back In Bon Temps

Jason Stackhouse reports for duty.  He is assigned a desk job, to his disappointment.  He proceeds to reenact ‘Office Space’ out of boredom. Andy assigns him to wash his car, shirtless.  He sees Crystal, the blonde girl from the woods and takes off after her in Andy’s car, sirens blaring, to the strains of banjo music. She wisely does not believe the shirtless man is a cop.  She denies crying the first time she saw him, saying she never cries.  She says she doesn’t have a phone.  Crystal goes for a walk with Jason.  By walk I mean make out session. She tells him there’s no future, only now.  I’m thinking she’s a time traveler.

Sam hires his long lost brother Tommy as a bus boy.  White trash Dad demands Tommy stay with him because he owns him. Sam throws him out.   I have no idea what is going on with these two, unless Tommy is his slave for some weird shapeshifter reason.

Jesus, wearing a super prepped out purple polo like the jerk in an 80’s teen movie, asks a defensive Lafayette to a movie.  Awww….Lafayette gets as shy and awkward as a middle school student.  Jesus decides to hang at Merlotte’s.  I am so shipping them.

Terry moves in with Arlene. Jessica hypnotizes customers not to tip Arlene. She sees Hoyt on a date.  Tommy thinks she is way hot.  This can’t end well.


“You’re f*cking my wolf, bitch. In my house.” – Debbie, misreading the situation between Alcide and Sookie — or is she predicting the future?

“Watch how fast I type motherf*cker.  It’s cool right?” Franklin uses his vampire powers to text

“Don’t say that to me. Every time someone says that everything goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts.” — Franklin, imploring Tara to watch her declarations of affection

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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