[Cue Pauly D’s voice] ‘Jersey Shore’ is gettin’ back on track to its usual mad-crazy self, right? Last night’s theme was the Big O—No, not that ‘O’—get your mind outta the gutter! But ‘O’ as in Obsessed. The Ronnie and Sammi love saga is heating up like a Miami vice and so is everyone’s repulsion towards Angelina, who’s holding out as long as she can because she needs the extra dough to get those bi-annual Brazilian bikini waxes.
While we’re hoping to see The Situation get more of his hustle on, JWoww pop somebody in the house, and Snooks wear something beyond those pair of furry Uggs, until then, here are the highlights that’ll make you want to keep your barbecued chicken in a safe place in the fridge:
Shhh! Don’t Tell Sammi, Yo
After Ronnie finishes his mad creepin’ fest with the grenades and landmines, he crawls into Sammi’s room to play a game of Cudzilla. He wakes up the next morning claiming he doesn’t remember a thing, all the while cupping his crotch as if it were going to plop and spring away like a Slinky on the kitchen floor. “We was creepin’ hardcore at the club last night and then he comes home and sleeps with Sammi—that’s gangsta,” says Pauly D.
But Ronnie’s game plan is to keep all his fugly lady pursuits a secret from Sammi, who’s gettin’ the vibe, thanks to the unintentional leakage from the other fellas’ big mouths, that the stubby meat head was offering his cajones to anything that moved. But never mind that—what is this she sees scribbled in his yellow Mead notebook?! The digits of his ex-gf Caroline! WTF!!! She screams at him and stomps away, but later, Don Ron confesses that he only called his former flame because he wanted to get advice about his troubled relationship. “You should be thanking her,” he scolds Miss Sweetheart since Caroline apparently told him to give her another chance.
“I love you so f-cking much and that’s my downfall,” he confesses to Sam. They both pet each other and exchange self-tanners to show how strong their feelings are. To celebrate, Ronnie takes off with his Part-time Lover to get a tattoo of praying hands that are clinging to rosary beads. (You’re gonna need it, boy.)
‘Jersey Shore’ Deleted Scene: Fist Pumping
Fatal Attraction & The Crow = Angelina
Angelina refuses to leave the house even though Snooki and JWoww are getting up in her grill and accusing her of talking smack about their family and friends. “I’m gonna make you sweat it out, b-tch. You’re gonna get your a$$ kicked,” screams JWoww, who looks exceptionally swollen both in her face and as per usual in her silicone buddies. The boys watch giddily as they consider bringing out a bowl of pretzels to watch the soap opera unfold.
Angelina’s only source of comfort—aside from the mad phone calls she gets—is to keep close to the boys, who tolerate her even though they find her to be a gadfly. But POW! Take her to a club and pour a few shots in her, and the Long Islander starts pressing up on the ladies and gettin’ scary obsessive! After rolling off the dance floor, she takes notice of Pauly D seductively whispering Peabo Bryson songs to an engaged chick in the corner! She pulls the Cemented Hair Man to the side and warns him that his lady interest is taken and intermittently professes she loves him and is looking out for his best interests. The Situation’s translation: “She’s c-ck blocking him!”
Once they’re back into the house, Angelina whines to both The Situation and Pauly D, saying that she loves and would marry both of them (at the same time?) and wants to know why the latter’s trying to pump the pasties with a soon-to-be married woman. The guys look at her as if she’s lost her diaphragm, and before Pauly knows it, the raven-haired gal smacks him in the face screaming “You don’t care!” The Situation decides this is no longer a situation in which he wants to be involved and scampers off to make a girly cocktail and admire his purple shirt. Pauly D, feeling absolutely molested by Angelina’s clingy drunken stupor, warns her to back up off of him and does what he knows best: follows The Situation’s tracks and sticks to him like Gorilla Crazy Glue.
Sobbing and swaying, Angelina decides she wants to get her head bopped by her only friends-now-turned frenemies and runs after the two runaways. She puts her hands on Pauly D and he flips out, his voice turning Satanic: “Don’t touch me!” The boom of his chords instantly pop her beloved Foster Grant’s off her face, and she falls into submission!
“He’s the IFF (I’m F-cked Foundation)—he’s the client and the president.” – Pauly D (on Ronnie)
“I’m gonna deny deny deny until Angelina says something and then f-cking WWIII starts!”
– Ronnie (on keeping last night’s grenade and landmine incident a secret from Sammi)
The Situation: “Yes, I’d like to order for delivery…”
Delivery Dude: “Can I have your name?”
The Situation: “Situation.”
Delivery Dude: “No, can I have your name.”
The Situation: “It’s Situation. S-i-t-u-a-t-(pauses, unsure of the spelling)-i-o-n?”
“She played tight-end for the Giants.” – Vinny (on one of the girls Ronnie made out with in the club)
“They should call you The Instigation.” – Pauly D (on The Situation’s need to spill the beans on Ronnie’s creepin’)
What’d you think of last night’s show? Any fave moments?