‘Bachelor Pad’ Premiere Recap: Let The Naughty Games Begin

'Bachelor Pad' (ABC)

'Bachelor Pad' (ABC)

Hold onto your granny panties and checkbooks! They’re baaaack! Your favorite ladies of the Mean Girl, Sweet Girl, and Fatal Attraction variety—as well as your homeboys of the Man Code, Boy Band, Narcissistic, and Closeted variety—have returned to bedazzle you on the new ‘Bachelor Pad!’

But this time, the show’s focus ain’t about showing these ‘sexy’ rejects love, but rather, it’s about showing them the money (i.e. $250K) via a series of mental and physical challenges! And judging by last night’s season premiere, you better believe things are gettin hot in herrrr!

While we’re titillated to see the mind games start and ready to barf when the face-sucking commences, we can’t help but be equally elated at the thought of Chris Harrison finally being able to wear a relaxed pair of Mom jeans and co-host Melissa Rycroft performing her isometrics to show off her aerobicized arms.

Although there were so many to yodel about, here are some choice highlights from last night’s premiere that’ll make you forget your original question of ‘Who the hell are contestants Gwen and Peyton?’…

Meet and Greet
Aside from the infamous devils like David, Wes, and Michelle, here some other intros that had the contestants’ mojos spinning!

– At the first sight of Jesse B. and his dopey smile, Natalie—known as the franchise’s Gal Who Gets Around Town—clings to the newly buzzed-cut boy as if her ovaries depend on it.

– Thanks to elfin Tenley, high-pitched screaming abounds and hairballs collect on the floor as she flings her long mane as if she’s at a Metallica concert, especially for fellow elfin Kiptyn.

– Beads of nervous sweat fall down Jesse K.’s overly stretched face as Elizabeth—who has apparently dunked her hair in a bucket full of rotten lemon juice—arrives in a blue prom dress. Since the two recently had ‘a thing,’ she stares at him with her meow-meow eyes and is determined that he will play tonsil hockey with her and nobody else!

– The gals are feeling pretty yummy until sweet, unassuming Gia glides into the pad. All the guys drop what they’re doing and bow to her Maxim-liciousness; she attempts to smile, but her new collagen injections make her look like she’s next of kin to Howard the Duck. (Too bad for the hypnotized dudes—this New Yawwker is taken…but Wes is comin’ to get her!)

– The Weatherman is as happy and puffed up as a cumulus cloud as the house fills up, and there’s no sign of Craig M. But before he knows it, a hush enters the room and in saunters the perfectly Coiffed One, who is happy to show that his man boobs can compete with the ladies’ twin packs any day!

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Twist and Shout!
The guys and gals scamper out to the backyard to discover their first competition is a ginormous game of Twister! What’s for grabs? The flexible winner gets a rose for immunity, chooses three dates to manipulate, and then at the end of the group date, has the power to grant immunity to one of the three victims! Hurray!

Right foot blue! BAM! A throng of elongated hammer toes fill the game board with excitement! Left hand red! Contortion of the most disturbing nature begins as silicone mammaries snap, crackle, and pop!

Before Man Code can be violated by Juan, Elizabeth calls out her hatred for Craig M. in order to break his concentration and help mousey-looking Jessie, the only bachelorette standing, to win immunity! But little does she know, the last two standing have already made a pact to take each other on a date no matter who wins. And the winner is: Craig M.! He’s got the power–and the most sought-after voluminous hair! Nooooo! Everyone shutters in fear. “People better start sucking up to me real quick,” Mr. Bouffant says with a snake-like smile.

Son of a Beach
With his game face on (i.e. his usual face), Craig M. chooses Jessie, (surprisingly) Mama Gwen, and (not-so-surprisingly) Elizabeth for his group date at the beach. He climbs up a rock and in his usual eyes-averted way, asks the newly mustard-haired Hater to be open-minded. “I don’t like you. What you did to Jonathan (a.k.a. the Weatherman) was hurtful,” she says in her squeaky baby voice. Suddenly, the sunlight casts a mirror-like reflection into Elizabeth’s eyeballs, and upon seeing his own beautiful face in them, Craig M.—for one brief, shining moment—feels like going in for a kiss. But, being the diva that he is, he refuses to make the first move.

In the end, he disses Lizzy the Manipulator and instead, chooses the vacuous Jessie as his immunity buddy. They bounce up and down and twirl about on their twinkle toes as they watch a live performance of The Calling at the Greek Theatre! I’ll Go Wherever You Will Go!

A Case of Crazy Love and Dental Challenges
Fresh from her rejection from Craig M., Elizabeth runs back home to cling to her obsession: Jesse K! Jesse tries to tell her straight that he doesn’t want her to put “dibs” on him and that this is strictly about competition. Translation: He can fling his cajones to whomever he damn well pleases! But the scary fake blond, who has repeatedly professed her undying love for him, isn’t feeling his ultimatum: “If you treat me poorly, it can have negative consequences on you.” His response? “Are you threatening?” he asks, donning an angry smile that reveals teeth that look like spaced-out icicles on a cold December’s day. Burrr!

Later on, Lizzy the Louse chats it up with a group of gullible girls and delineates her sob story of Jesse’s unrequited love! Once she gets the girls’ support, she goes back to him and scares him into submission.

Elizabeth: “There’s lots of drama, Jesse…you have to tell the girls you love me.”
Jesse: “But, but…”
Elizabeth: “I’m in love with you! I’m giving up 250K so you can win it.”
Jesse: “I just don’t understand…why are you crying?”
Elizabeth: “Don’t you argue with me!”
Jesse: “Ok! I’ll tell the girls I’m sorry and that I’ve messed up!” (He walks off and to deal with his stress properly, goes to the kitchen and sharpens his teeth with a metal rod.)

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Sleeping With the Enemy
Juan, Juan, Juanita. You don’t snatch Sandra Bullock Nikki, dump her, hook up with another girl in the franchise, and think there’s no retribution. Oh you wait. Judgment Day will come, boy!

The Alliance of Tarzan and Jane
While these couples are breaking out in negative drama, Jesse B. and Natalie are making-out and having the most intellectually stimulating conversations two blonds with IQs of under 75 can have!

Jesse (enunciating as if English isn’t his first language): “I’m not trying to find love, but I cannot wait to find it.”
Natalie (crossing her legs to hide her STDs): “I’m not looking for love, but I’m not going to deny it.”
Jesse: “Good. That is good.”

Suddenly, he grunts and then drags her by the hair to a nearby couch to have his way with her.

Big Mouth
Angry that she’s more manly-looking than Kiptyn and Juan (and frustrated that her name sounds too much like Krispy Kreme), Krisily barks to the cameras and to anyone who’s willing to hear her. “We gotta vote off the strongest and toughest competitors, bizatches!” she screams to the girls, who forgot she was on the show. Once David hears this, he belches with dismay, while the Weatherman—knowing she thinks he can be manipulated because he’s an emotional little puppy—begins to plot her demise with Doppler Radar!

Walt Disney Meets Lionsgate
Hearing smooching sounds in the early morn, foolish Princess Tenley decides to spread a rumor that scary Michelle was making out with Craig M.! But silly naive girl! Michelle was doing nothing of the sort—Mr. Bouffant was just innocently making out with his hand, as he usually does when his small black-dotted eyes awaken.

But never mind that. Miss Killah is steaming mad and wants her revenge! She waits until Tenley pulls out her Colgate travel-sized toothbrush and spins into the bathroom. Boo yah! Trapped! Michelle stomps in, locks the door behind her, and gives Miss Rainbows a piece of her mind. “You started this rumor…you did it, B-tch!” Tenley pleads with her, but the Scary One doesn’t stop her attack. Before she can pull off her face and reveal the gnarly demon behind it, Tenley manages to bust out of the bathroom door and into the arms of Elizabeth. She’s so frightened she shows America her “ugly cry” as she hysterically exclaims: “I don’t know what she’s capable of!” Lizzy hushes the trembling girl by singing the ‘Little Mermaid’s theme song.

Elimination Time: Picture-Unperfect
You’d think that being in a room full of Sears portraits of the show’s contestants would be nightmarish enough, but the name of the elimination game is to take one of those ghastly photos of your choice and plop it into the Ballot Box of Doom to show how unmerciful you really are!

Being the Lucifer that he is, Craig M. slips Michelle’s pic in the box and walks out of the room to be greeted by her blunt query. “Straight up, did you vote me off?” she asks. He stares at her with his beady eyes and his hair forthrightly replies “no.”

As Chris Harrison names those who are safe and his lovely assistant Vanna White Melissa Rycroft hands out the roses, the last man and woman standing are no surprise: Juanita and Michelle go home!

“I guess she gets the last laugh!” says Juan bitterly about Nikki. He quickly resumes filing his nails in the limo.

“There weren’t enough roses for Michelle’s personalities. Besides, it’s hard to put a rose in a strait jacket,” snickers the Weatherman, as he unknowingly disses the only girl who’d ever consider making out with him.

And so there you have it, folks! Let the games begin!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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