‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Sexcapades, Smooshing, and Grenades!

'Jersey Shore' (MTV)

'Jersey Shore' (MTV)

Get your best smoosh on because ‘Jersey Shore’ is feeling the heat, and it’s making them do all kinds of crazy! While the Ron and Sam lust saga continues to dehydrate us and the questionable Snooki-and-Vinny hook-up is forcing us to detox, at least last night’s episode brought on a couple breakthroughs: 1) A truce is made with Angelina! and 2) The key to waking up The Situation from a landmine nightmare is to splash hot chlorinated water in his face!

Here’s a recap of the highlights that’ll make you never want to dance like Ronnie:

A Truce with the Backstabbing Interloper
After Angelina slaps Pauly D (for the third time) and The Situation runs around in circles like a panic-stricken girl, the scary masculinity of JWoww emerges to see what all the fuss is about. “I didn’t slap nobody!” denies the inebriated raven-haired Lawwng Islander. The Situation flips out; Pauly’s ire causes his hair to break off into pieces, and he accuses her of being “delusional.” The two victims and JWoww walk away in frustration as the latter devises a plan to bop her upside the head with her 20 lb-bronzer bag.

But The Situation is a lover, not a fighter, baby, and when he sees a sullen Angelina curled up on her bed with Kleenex tissues stuffed up in her nose, he calls in the rest of the gang to make peace with the rejected freak-fest.

Having mastered the power of persuasion on a GED-level, the eldest guido speaks: “The only way this is gonna work is if she bonds with the girls…she’s not going to the gym every day with me and Pauly; she’s not gonna do a GTL and then go to a haircut and sit [in on] the haircut!”

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Once Angelina fesses up to having talked smack about the girls, everyone lets go of their grudges and decides to re-focus their energy on more important matters (i.e. getting trashed and creepin’).

Out of Control Troll
The only thing Ronnie is sure of in this world is his hair. As for Sammi, who’s dat? Once the Muscle Man gets a few vodka tonics in him in da club, it’s ovah! In this installment, we get to see a brand spankin’ new dance move from Yours Truly: With knees bent low to make him look even shorter, the Don Ron starts doing a seizure-like karate-chopping motion with his hands! How you like me now, boi!

But Sammi isn’t feeling his hand signals, especially now that he’s totally jacked. Sulking like a baby, she tells him she’s thinking of going home. He throws her the F- and B-bomb and tells her to scram. Then with possessed eyes, he proceeds to do what he does best: gyrate and play tonsil hockey with shady ladies twice his height!

Unfortunately for him, Snooki sees his wandering ways, and she goes off on him like a chihuahua. He pushes her and that’s when the rest of the boys tell him he’s done for the night. You push a girl, and play time is ovah!

Once he’s home, he brags about having gotten a “fine Cuban chick’s number” and then falls to the floor and cackles. Then, he picks himself up, crawls into Sammi’s bed and asks if they could “smoosh” together. JWoww shakes her head in dismay.

Did They Do It?
When Snooks dons her infamous poof and leopard print, it apparently makes Vinny’s mile-long eyebrows perk up.

Vinny: “You look hot right now, you just took my breath away.”
Snooki: “Really? You trying to smoosh right now? You look hot, too.”

After having a few drinks in them, the two end up on the beanie bag next to the house phone. As Snooki calls up her bf Emilio, Vinny giggles like a little girl and plays touchy feeley with the orange smurf. A few minutes later, she crawls into V’s bed and asks if he wants to do the Action Jackson! WTF?! “Sure,” he says half-comatose.

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The next morning, the household looks at a completely bewildered Vin and gives him the ‘Oh no, you di-int’ vibe. “Did I bang Snooki last night? Did I do the unthinkable?” he pleads with the camera.

It’s MVP (Michael, Vinny, Pauly) tonight, playahs! The Three Stooges decide it’s high-time to flash their manhood and make it an all-boys night out—Pauly even puts on his creepin’ blood-red sneaks for luck! But oh no! Here comes clingy Angelina trying to block their jewels again!

To distract her, the guys huddle in a circle, smoke ciggies, and repeat “MVP!” over and over again until she goes cross-eyed and turns away. Once her attention isn’t on their every move, they run out the door and escape to a club—unfortunately, the club of their choice is grenade-infested and “like the Bronx Zoo,” says Vinny.

In Hot Water
Half-blinded by the bubbly, the boys bring a slew of chicks home and get them into the hot tub! Once The Situation splashes himself in the face with some hot water, he shutters in horror at the reality of their situation! “Whoa we got grenades, man! Pauly doesn’t know we’re in the midst of grenades!” he exclaims.

But Pauly ain’t seeing the “hyena” that his BFF sees, and before the latter can warn him, everyone freezes as a mysterious object floats to the surface of the water: It’s a rubber boob! The guys prefer calling it a “chicken cutlet” and laugh their heinys off as they play hacky sack with it.

One of the ladies adjusts her poochless bra and angrily walks out with the other gals. “Man, we need a refresher course,” yells Pauly as he shows the grenades the door.

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Bouncing with the Boys
As Ronnie cuddles with Sammi, the other boys decide it’s time to bust-a-move again. On hearing this, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle perks up and disses his “girlfriend” to spend a night out with his homies and try out Pilates moves with his groin. Sammi pulls the sheets over her head, gives him the cold shoulder, and refuses to go out to dinner with the girls.

Once Snooks and JWoww leave the house for a quiet dinner of Beef-a-Roni, the two release their frustrations about the on-again/off-again couple, especially what to do about Ronnie’s secret creepin’.

JWoww: “It looks bad on him, and it looks bad on us.”
Snooki: “We’re friends with both of them—what should we do?”

Answer: Write an anonymous letter to Sammi (and show it on next week’s episode)! Yahoo!

Notable Quotables
Pauly D: “We’re cool, let’s just go our separate ways…just ‘do you.’”
Angelina: “Can I get a get-out-of jail free card?”

“MVP! And we’re all the Most Valuable Players hitting the M.I.A. supporting the GFF (Grenade Free Foundation)” – Vinny

“It’s my first day and I already hate it. I can’t see any ice creams, I can’t see any customers because I’m a f-ckng smurf!” – Snooki (on working the counter at the gelato shop)

“Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left.” – Vinny

So how about youse guys? You likin’ the Jersey Shore in the M.I.A.?

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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