Last night’s ‘Bachelor Pad’ made me body-slam my prehistoric RCA telly to no end, as I painstakingly watched these money grubbers play high school all over again! But instead of pimple-faced freaks and Hottie McHotties, the dividing line came between those who had romp-around lovahs and those who were involuntarily celibate—Team Insiders vs. Team Outsiders, if you will.
Before you start trying to figure out why the hell Melissa Rycroft is on the show, let us recap the lowlights and show civil restraint as we discuss the Outsiders’ weakest, most pathetic moments. Blast you, you fools!
Shut Your Pie Holes!
Having fondly reminisced about the pie-eating contest scene from the 1980s flick ‘Stand By Me,’ the producers devise a sadistic plan to watch the bachies and bachelorettes re-create the barf-o-rama moment. What’s up for grabs? Immunity, a set of dates, and the power to grant a rose of salvation to the person of your choosing! Let’s get to stuffin’!
Ladies first. Hands behind their backs…twin peaks propped—and go! Eyebrows and false lashes disappear on half the girls! Suddenly, two girls come out in the lead! Motivated by fear of being eliminated because she can’t offer her Maxim-liciousness to the boys, Gia uses her over-sized rubbery lips to scoop up Chris Harrison’s homemade cherry pie special! To keep her going, she imagines there’s a lotto ticket at at the bottom of the foil pan that could win her free collagen injections and speech therapy for an entire year! But wait! Tenley’s coming on strong! Although she’s whining that she can’t take it anymore, she dives in, pretending to be eating a yummy candy-and-cake-encrusted house just like in the fairytale ‘Hansel and Gretel!’
While they race to the finish line, the two end up doing what comes as second nature: puking! But this time it’s in a bucket! That’s okay, though—they go back and eat up the residuals, to Chris H.’s and Melissa Rycroft’s delight. In the end, the New Yawwker Centerfold wins!
Shut Your Pie Holes Take Deux!
Now it’s the boys’ turn to mash it up. To prepare for the challenge, David stretches his mandibles, the Weatherman looks up toward the Sun God for help, and what does Craig M. do? “My hair is a multi-purpose tool…it can suck up some pie!” he cackles as he bashes his head into his helping! Everyone has a strategy! As David tries to force the gelatinous cherries to seep into his face muscles by osmosis, Wes attempts to stab his pie with his shark nose! But wait! Here comes the final two—Kiptyn uses his feminine eyelashes to fan crumbs onto the floor! But here comes The Weatherman—his mouth like a Category 5 tornado! Ahhh! The little guy wins!
Color Me Happy
With strategy in place, The Weatherman picks Outsiders Gwen, Ashley, and Peyton on his date. They’re taken to an art room and forced to have a paint orgy Jackson Pollock style! “Are you ready for Speedo the sequel?!” the Small Guy exclaims as he jumps out from behind a screen to reveal no junk from front to back.
After they get cleaned up, Jonathan snags Peyton, who speaks an octave lower than we’re accustomed to hearing, and makes a deal that they vote off Kiptynite. She’s on board! Now off to Ashley, who’s a bit trickier, since she’s made nice with The Insiders in the house. “I believe the Powerhouse needs to be broken and that there should be fair competition,” she tells him. BAM! Got another one! (Or so he thinks). Then there’s Gwennie Pooh, who is an object of both business and pleasure for Short Stack. As they chat on the rooftop and discover they have so much in common, he let’s his jewels do the talking and gives her the rose. “A lot of people think Jonathan likes me, but that’s not gonna happen in a million years—guarantee you that!” she laughs as she swallows her hormone replacement pills. Ashley is ticked she didn’t get the rose and decides to be noncommittal!
Gia takes Jonathan aside and tells him that the Outsider Gals—Peyton, Gwen, Krisily, Nikki, and herself—will save Craig M.’s arse and vote off one of the popular Insider dudes—Kiptyn, David, or Kovacs. Jonathan hesitates because of his sordid history with Mr. Poofs-A-Lot, but Gia throws out enough tough East Coast talk and F-bombs that she intimidates Mr. Stubs, and he goes along with the plan like a lackey.
A Whole New World
Because ABC owns Disney, and Disney created ‘Aladdin,’ the producers cleverly decide to go with an Ali-Baba-themed date for Gia and her chosen men: Craig M., Jesse B., and Wes.
She tells Craig M. straight up she’s going to give him the rose for strategy’s sake and that her word is as rock solid as her chest. Then she sits with walnut-brained Jesse B. and uses the power of her persuasion via henna tattoos. She spells out ‘I love Jesse’ and then with a look of confusion, he asks her to read it because he doesn’t know how to. Trying to re-focus the buzzed-out Ape Man, she pleads for him not to reveal her game plan to Natalie, since she’s an Insider. “She’s a cool chick, but it’s a game—I’m here to win 250K and to meet you!” he reveals to his Crush.
Using her seductive voodoo, she takes Wes and pours lavender oil all over his hands and massages them. They giggle and Wes begins his Shakespearean Texas Romeo monologue: “Gia, I love ya, I love ya. I got no strategy. I know you ain’t gonna give me the rose, but I’m crazy about you and the result of all your surgeries. I wish the circumstances were different…I know you’re not mine—you’re never gonna be mine—but when I think of you I’m happy…you’re so beautiful.”
Gia: “If things were different, I wouldn’t care about the game, I’d want to have you…you’re sweet. Everyone’s got it wrong about you,” she chirps dreamily. They embrace like two riotous bear cubs, and Wes’ eyes suddenly burn red. Satan! Satan!
Letting her Gia-Pet do the talking, she rescinds her promise to poor, vulnerable Craig M. and gives Wes the rose! WTF!?!
Hook-ups and Break-ups
While Kovacs fangs fellow Lizzy the Louse in the shower, David and two-faced Jessie talk strategy and inhale each other’s faces in the hot tub. Krisily walks over to Kiptyn and reports that Miss Mousey in the tub needs to go because she’s a backstabbing milquetoast.
While Jesse B. might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, he can sniff crabs from a mile away and tells Natalie he knows where she got them from. She runs back into the house crying: “He just broke my heart. I need to focus on the money!”
Gia tells her disappointed lady friends to have no fear: As long as they decide to vote off Kippy, and the Insider Gals vote off Craig M., her rose can be the tie-breaker and ultimately jack up the ranks of the popular clique!
David takes Jessie aside and says that the dudes are planning to axe her since they heard she’s being an outright deceptive bottom feeder. As tears come streaming down her face and feelings of inadequacy from never being one of the popular girls in high school come rushing back, she pleads with David to trust her, promising to vote Craig M. off, even though she made a pact with Mr. Oh Canada! that she’d stick with him til the end. Upon seeing the gigantic vertical vein throbbing in the middle of her forehead, the Cave Man finally comforts her by telling her he’s going to try to get the guys to vote off Krisily instead.
In No One We Trust
As Chris shows off his grossly unmatched lilac polka-dotted tie and black-and-white plaid dress shirt, he asks the $64,000 question to Elizabeth and to the rest of the group: “Can you trust those who are love-shacking it up?”
As Lizzy the Leper pleads her case and equates her relationship with Kovacs to Kiptynite and Tenley’s, the Disney Character pipes up innocently: “There may be physical differences since I haven’t doesn’t the nasty with my man yet.” At this, Elizabeth shows her agitation and bites her head off. Two seconds later, Tenley gives us her second “ugly cry” of the season along with a baby’s WAH!, her face swelling like a melon.
In an attempt to save his womanly rump, Kiptyn snags soft-hearted Nikki and indirectly gives her a massive guilt-trip. “Seriously, as much as I’d like to stay, I won’t take it personally; we’ll be best girlfriends forever no matter what!” he whisper screams in his signature ventriloquist-way of speaking. Tears pour out of Nikki’s bug eyes, as she’s torn between her promise to the girls and her love for her fellow diva.
Outside Voting In
Aside from the fact that Natalie thought she was going to a Madonna-themed 80s party by wearing a hot pink tutu obscenity, the biggest shocker of the night was seeing Craig M. go! Nikki, you weak-willed son-of-a-biscuit! How dare you vote big Canadian hair off! As for Jessie’s roseless night, not that much of a big deal, since being spineless takes you on the fast track to Losahville.
Highlights from Next Episode
They saay love don’t come easyyy… Gia makes out with Wes! Gia cries because she made out with Wes! And oh yeah, Gia attacks Nikki for breaking the Outsider alliance! Holy Schizers!