On last night’s ‘Bachelor Pad,’ we experienced face-sucking halitosis proliferation and terrifying love of the half-brained sort align! Since the Outsiders’ original game plan was thwarted—thanks to the emotional roller coasters that are Gia and Nikki—all hell broke loose, and the Coupley Insiders infiltrated the singleton group. Like herpes, they began to spread their seductive coupledom ways to the lonely love-starved wolves, and the latter allowed themselves to get fooled—again!
Here are the highlights that will bring to light their emotionally stunted IQs:
Kiss Me Deadly
After having confiscated everyone’s toothbrushes that morning, Chris Harrison treats the gang to tuna fish sandwiches stuffed with red onions. He and Melissa then quickly announce that there will be a kissing competition, where girls and boys take turns being blindfolded and vote on who’s the best kisser. The prize is the same (immunity and giving immunity to someone on your group date) but with a sexy little twist: This time, each date involves an overnight fantasy suite option!
The girls are blindfolded first, and we see the boys show off their lip-tastic prowess—for instance, the Weatherman kisses as if he’s gorging on a Happy Meal and David uses his mouth as one giant suction cup, almost swallowing the heads of the giddy ladies.
Once it’s the guys turn, Gia’s in a state of massive hysteria—feeling guilty that her public display of affection might earn her a huge whoopin’ from her bf at home—and ultimately, she decides to bow out. “I didn’t think everyone was going to turn into porn stars,” she cries out. But the likes of Elizabeth and Natalie happily take their greedy tongues to another lecherous level! “I’d make out with everyone in the house for like 20 bucks,” says the latter, as she scratches her itchy nether regions.
In the end, David and dry kissing Peyton (who?!) win the game! As 80s rocker chick Lita Ford once sang—“Kiss Me Deadly!” Whooo doggie!
It Stayed in Vegas
David picks Krisily, Nikki, and Natalie to go on a big-baller Vegas excursion, the first two gals being strategic moves. But little does he know that his tonsil hockey during the competition suddenly put Krisily under a spell and now she wants a piece of his Man Code! (Too bad she keeps wearing bumpits; that’s just not attractive.)
They arrive at a private resort and strip down into their bikinis and trunks. Other than our contemplation over who had bigger breasts—Nikki or Dave—in the end, the Big Man decides with his cajones and chooses Natalie to exchange the most sophisticated of venereal diseases with. They cross the line of friendship in Vegas but keep their new-found coupledom a secret from all the other players in the house!
Peyton’s dates are Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Jesse B. They skeedaddle to the Irwindale Dragstrip to race each other and pretend to have oodles of fun—but inside Kovacs and Kiptynite are sweatin it!
Since Kovacs is already chained to obsessive helium-voiced Lizzy, he knows he can only play it friendly and show off his incisors for kicks. As they romantically eat outside a taco stand, Kippy lies and tells the lispy Peyton that he doesn’t have any interest in Tenley. But the real sparks fly with knuckle-headed Jesse B! He chooses his mackdaddy-o words wisely (especially since only a few form in his brain every so often) and they make out! It’s love! A new couple is formed, and the washed-out blond not only gives him the rose, but she also takes him to the fantasy suite!
The Deceiver Becomes Desperate
After Wes pulls out his guitar and sings his puke-worthy song to Gia—They saaay, them artificial lips don’t come eassay!—the easily manipulated model becomes drunk with love. “He’s like the modern day Shakespeare but better and cuter,” she slurs. Wow. Gia knows who Shakespeare is?
Since Wes is hell-bent on breaking her up with her stay-at-home boyfriend, he lets his magic wand lead his emotions and begins to scheme for votes to ensure her safety. Breaking up the couples is the name of the game for him, but the triumvirate of Kovacs, Kippy Skippy, and Ape Man are as solid as the Holy Trinity—get behind them, Satan!
In the end, the Weatherman is rejected from the boys club, and although there was a tie between Lizzy the Lynx and Gia-Pet, Miss Lips gets the boot since David has the final say as the tie-breaker. “I’m more confused than when I was on the Bachelor!” whines Gia about her feelings for Wesley. (That’s okay, G-Thang, your confusion will be taken to another level once your boy toy in New Yawwk bops out your neurons after seeing your two-timing shenanigans.)
Until next week’s installment: They saay, $250K don’t come eassay!