For some who watched the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ finale last night, it may have been The Clash of the Titans. For others, The War of the Matriarchs. But for me? I’d like to call it the case of The Six-foot Embittered Draggie vs. The Stout Pecking Red Rooster! And oh my, did things get fugly quickly!
While there’s much to say about the evening’s events (e.g. Why does Ashley wear eyeshadow down the sides of her nose? and Why were there so many ‘Exorcist’ previews playing during commercial breaks?), we think it is best to chronicle the semi-epic smackdown between C-licious and D-licious. Why? Because that’s all that really matters (and I need to get some rest).
Here are the three phases of the unfortunate event that will forever give me a burning sensation in places that I cannot speak of:
Phase 1: Be Kind to Thine Enemy (For Five Seconds)
As Danielle suspiciously walks into the empty restaurant with her 90-year-old bodyguard in tow, Mama Manzo offers a kind smile as she secretly plays with the infamous torn-out chunk of weave, which is hidden in her purse. “In my mind this is a crazy merry-go-round that never stops. I think everyone’s trying to be a winner in a losing game,” the Red Rooster says in a comforting manner to the standoffish 47-year-old. Before Danielle’s Grinch heart threatens to get a teensie bit bigger, the demonic powers that her energist placed into her just prior to the meeting explode through her hand, making it jerk up to feel the missing patch of hair that was yanked out from her! Fire burns in her eyes as she remembers she must be resolute in making the chubby-faced teenager who likes to wear boho slouchy yarn beanies suffer!
Phase 2: Where’s the Love? (And Light?)
Caroline hopes that by reminding Danielle of how jacked up she had been in her youth, that she’d be empathetic towards Ashley, drop the charges of assault, and show the Love and Light! Unfortunately, Red makes the fatal mistake of telling The Darkness that she’d have her respect if she just admitted she knew there was no legitimate threat to her life. “Amazingly, I don’t need you to validate my life…what have I ever done to you?!” asks the offended younger.
The elder replies: “Jacqueline’s me, Dina’s me, Ashley’s me!” Ole Danny Girl’s BS meter flies off the charts, as indicated by the snarl of her right nostril and the vertical movement of her eyebrows. But wait! Here comes the historic one-liner by Caroline that we’ve been searching for all season: “Let me tell you something about your Bugs Bunny capped teeth—they’re as thick as thieves!” Just kiddin. Okay, here comes the real one! “When I stand, I don’t stand alone—I stand with my family.” [cue ‘Godfather’ score.]
Phase 3: When All Else Fails, Take It to the Circus
As things start escalating faster than a hot flash—”Your posse called Albie a f-ggot!” and “You took my friends away!”—Caroline realizes she cannot get through to Lucifer, even if she dresses in a vulnerable G-string and has faulty implants. So what does Mrs. Rooster do? She decides to crow the most dignified words of her life.
Caroline: “You know what you are? You’re a clown. Your whole life is a joke.”
Danielle: “You’re sitting there with Ronald McDonald red pecker hair and I’m the clown?!”
Caroline: “You will not hurt me. I have integrity. I sit hear and tell you the truth. When I called you garbage, I meant that you were garbage!”
Danielle: “That’s enough!”
As Caroline starts clucking away at Miss Cheekbones, the latter marches out in her ‘Flashdance’ black spandex and tries to reiterate the drama to her uninterested bodyguards, who’d rather just get paid their 60 bucks and go home with a six-pack of Bud.
It is done! The drama is over…SIKE!!!
Until the two-part monstrosity that is called the reunion show…lovely ladies, I bid you adieu!