‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Sammi’s Punch Drunk Love

Jersey Shore's Sammi (MTV)

Jersey Shore's Sammi (MTV)

Last night’s ‘Jersey Shore’ is what youse guys were all waiting for, wasn’t it? You sick puppies! Instead of channeling her wrath on her Mutant Man Whore Ron, Sammi goes buck wacky on Snooks and especially JWoww—just because they don’t fess up to writing the Ron-Makes-Out-With-Fat-Girls note! What da hellage? Who cares who wrote the note? Deal with the content, yo!

Needless to say, the Sammi and JWoww collision was like watching two boxing kangaroos on acid! Thanks a lot, Angelina—you’re next!

Here are the highlights that’ll make you fear the wrath of drunk Jersey women with GEDs:

Snooki Sneaks One With Vinny
After a few shots, Snooki waddles around like a penguin in heat to see which of the boys’ beds is the comfiest. Surprise! She jumps into the sack with Vinny, and they end up committing unspeakable acts in unspeakable places!

“I’m a little more DTS (Down to Snuggle) with Snooki—if she wants to come in my bed and throw it at me, I’m gonna take it,” says Vinny.

Oh, and did he take it alright! The next day, Snooki tells the girls that Vinny, Jr. isn’t so junior. “It’s like putting a watermelon into a pin hole,” she admits. Three words: That’s just nasty.

Don’t Blame the Messengers
Although Snooki makes an attempt to tell Sammi that she and JWoww wrote the note, the latter gives off major ‘tude and refuses to come out to the backyard per the girls’ request. Snooki angrily storms into the house and marches past Sam.

Because it’s been two long weeks since JWoww’s scared the shiz out of somebody, she brings out her Lady Dragon on the emotionally handicapped Sweetheart.
JWoww: “You’ve been a naive b-tch while your man is putting his d-ck in other b-tches!”
[The Situation’s jaw drops.]
Sammi: “I’m not closest to [the guys]—you two were the closest ones in here, and you f-cking didn’t say a word to me and you knew! Man up, who wrote the f-cking note. Who did it?!
Ronnie: “If you were friends, you’d say something that night—not wait a f-cking week!”
Sammi: “This is embarrassing.”

She walks away in tears and locks herself in the bathroom. Sweat trickling down his face, Mr. Cheater tries to join her, fearing that JWoww will jump him from behind and beat him down shorter than he already is.

Watch the girls in a deleted scene:

[iframe http://xfinitytv.comcast.net/tv/Jersey-Shore/106088/1560156519/Jersey-Shore-Deleted-Scene%3A-Girl-Talk/embed 580 476]

Angelina’s Pie-hole = Trouble
After Angelina spills the beans and tells Sammi that Snooks and JWoww wrote the note, the whole house goes to a club and gets trashed, especially Pauly D (as indicated by his brick and mortar’d hair being pushed over one centimeter to the right).

They come back home and JWoww—half-slurring—burps into the phone and tells her bf that Pauly D’s busy throwing his guts up. For some inexplicable reason, Angelina decides to make a point of reiterating JWoww’s convo to Sammi and Ron, saying that she was talking smack about Pauly. Vinny gets ticked off at her gossiping ways and tattles on her to JWoww.

While Angelina denies Vinny’s accusation, suddenly Sammi decides to get in on the action and unleashes her misguided anger onto JWoww. (WTF was she thinking?!)

Sammi: “Who gives a f-ck?!”
JWoww: “Did you grow some balls all of a sudden? Are you big and bad?”
Sammi: “I’ve always had balls!”
JWoww: “Really? Step up—you’re Jersey trash!”
[She gets right up in Sam’s grill and begins to get some windmill action going with her head.]
Sammi: “I’m mature and I got class!”

Then POW! Before Sam could grow faint from JWoww’s post-burp breath, she encounters her frenemy’s bear claws swiping the sides of her orange burnt face! She jumps back to attack, but JWoww has better WWE skills and smacks Sammi’s head down to the floor like a basketball! All the ruckus gives Sam a major wedgie and she slips and slides on her Payless white pumps! Flat-ironed hair thrash and collide! All hell breaks loose! AHHH!!!

Blast you, Angelina! And your pie-hole from Lawwng Island!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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