Are You A ‘Real’ Housewife? Here Are 10 Warning Signs!

'The Real Housewives of NJ' (Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

'The Real Housewives of NJ' (Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

In light of this week’s news that Bravo is continuing to expand its ‘Housewives’ empire with its umpteenth newest addition, the ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,’ we’re starting to fear that Andy Cohen and his girlfriends will stop at nothing in taking over reality TV in the most cosmetically enhanced divalicious way possible!

Well, it sure made us wonder about you undiscovered, rich Housewives out there: If Monsieur Cohen came scouting in your town and knocked on your gold-plated doors, would you be the type to dive (implants first) in front of the camera? Do you have the Housewife ‘IT’ Factor?

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We put together a list of 10 tell-tale warning signs that will help you decide whether or not you may have this horrifying disease:

10. You own chihuahuas and dress them better than your children.
9. Your mid-life crisis comes in the form of releasing an auto-tuned dance single on iTunes that no one wants to hear—with the exception of a few gay men.
8. Your mid-life crisis comes in the form of going lesbian and performing C&C Music Factory dance moves—with ‘Jersey Shore’ look-alikes in tow—for a local TV station in hopes that you can extend your 15 just a little longer.
7. Your out-of-control teenage daughter is about to out-do you in plastic surgery procedures, while you’re too busy getting high to notice.
6. You flip furniture in fits of rage.
5. You inhale jellybeans and gummi bears to calm your nerves amid major crises (i.e. facing reality).
4. You crash distinguished parties and breach national security once and a while because you’re determined to feel important.
3. You used to be a stripper with a rap sheet.
2. You’ve had more facial injections than vaccinations in your lifetime.
1. You have it in you to attack gay reality TV hosts.

Well, there you have it, ladies! We hope you don’t have any of these symptoms, but if you do: Love and light, baby. Love and light!

Preview part two of the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ reunion here:

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The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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