‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: A House Divided

J-WOWW and Sammi (MTV)

J-WOWW and Sammi (MTV)

Last night’s ‘Jersey Shore’ episode was the type of drama that made me want to bash my head into a dinner plate! Talk about a nightmare within Metropole Apartments, yo! Within a span of 60 minutes, we experienced friendships inexplicably destroyed; yanked-out weaves and French manicures strewn on the floor; Sam and cheating Ron’s love rekindled; Snooki “smooshing” under the sheets in front of a disgusted JWoww; Vinny and Angelina about to tear each other into meatballs; and at last, Vinny and Angelina exchanging halitosis in the back of a taxi! WHAATTT??

Check out the highlights, along with this advisory warning: Sammi is a congenitally emotional mutant and Ron is a crooked fro-hawk’d amphibian who needs his jewels removed and donated to science.

‘Jersey’ Girl Fight: Angelina Wants To Box J-Woww

Who Gets the Last Laugh?
JWoww and Sammi continue their wedgie-inflicting, body-slamming catfights when suddenly, Ronnie pushes Vinny to the ground for starting the ruckus! Snooki starts screaming and finally admits that she and JWoww wrote the note—BUT with the help of Scarecrow Angelina! Angelina blows up in denial, while Sammi—apparently malfunctioning on too much Hydroxycut—disses the good intentions of her now frenemies.

As JWoww trudges back to her room like a wounded beast, Sam and Ron laugh at her, which compels the Angry One to hurl a Martha Stewart plate at Ron! Angry that she now knows the truth about her boyfriend’s threesome ways, Sam throws a plate at JWoww for giving her an unwanted reality check! “We’ll see who gets the last laugh,” mutters JWoww.

“How does it feel getting the crap beaten out of you by me, Jenny? I’m basking in it right now,” smiles Sammi.

She wishes.

The “Shady” “Ugly” Twosome
Angelina begins hatin’ on Vinny for having caused the house fight. In return, Vin calls Angelina “shady” and says she’s “more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island.” At this the Scarecrow flips out, tells him to “shut the f-ck up!” and as an aside, calls him “ugly.” Stewing in the living room bean bag, he ends their scream-fest by warning her: “I’m just shutting up so you just shut up.” She gives him the birdie.

Later in the hot tub, The Situation tells Vin: “Ron’s McGyver. He got off Scot-Free.” True dat.

‘Jersey Shore’ Pumps Up Its Season With Two Specials

To de-stress from a tension-filled house, what’s a guido and guidette to do? Smoosh, of course! On a hot clubbin’ night, Snooki hooks up with a Latin Lover named Dennis and takes him back home to show what nasty Oompa Loompas can do under the sheets! JWoww pulls the covers over her head but can’t avoid her lil roomie’s moaning and the intermittent questions she poses to her lover like, “Do you have any kids?”

Meanwhile, Vinny scores with a Hooters girl, whom he calls “a classy lady” and a jealous Angelina calls “a grenade.”

When Man Grenades Strike
Another night of club hoppin’ commences, but JWoww and Snooks decide to stay in and chill. Although she’s forgotten his name, Snooki decides to invite her STD buddy Dennis over again because she can’t wait to “get it in” and asks him to invite a tall friend for JWoww. Once Mr. Latin Luscious arrives, Snooki freezes over at the sight of his six-foot counterpart named Marco. Two words: Man grenade! Needless to say, he is sent packing.

Too Many Drinks Makes ‘Rob Kardashian’ a Bad Girl
Although Angelina was given a fancy Fossil watch by her possessive man, Jose, it doesn’t stop her from being a naughty girl—BUT WITH VINNY?! After too many Rum and Cokes and possibly roofies, the two enemies end up making out in a cab and smooshing back home! Guess that’s just how a “Staten Island Dump” rolls!

Smuggest Quote
To conclude the madness, it seems most appropriate to close-out with JWoww’s prophecy on Sammi and Don Ron: “I definitely know I’m gonna get the last laugh between me and Sam. When the truth comes out, Sam is gonna look like a [bleep]. I’ll just be sitting back smiling and saying ‘What a dumb b-tch.’”

So what say you, ‘Jersey Shore’ fans? What in da world were you thinking last night when you saw the fight between JWoww and Sam? Who won? What do you want to happen next?

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

, , , ,

Comments are closed.