Last night’s ‘Jersey Shore’ special was an emotional and spiritual pathos on the guidos in the house that I shall soon not forget. We learned that The Situation has morals and that he will stand up to the Kim Kardashian wannabes of this world who cheat on good Cuban men who lovingly shower them with Fossil watches! We also discovered that Vinny and Pauly D can think with their hearts and not just with their salamis when it comes to meeting ‘stand-up ladies’ in da club! As for Ronnie, he kinda doesn’t count because he’s half-guido, half-turtle.
Here are the highlights in quotes that’ll make you want to buy flowers that never leave the smoosh room:
1. Don’t smoosh a roommate (that’s already been smooshed by another roommate) while dating someone on the side.
“Why do you go bang the kid you hate? You’re a hypocritical whore!” – The Situation on Angelina hooking up with Vinny.
2. Invite your bumbling uncle over and throw him in a hot tub to distract him from girl-on-girl smackdowns.
“Uncle nino is an O-G—an original guido.” – Pauly D
“I really want the family to leave right now, so I can kill her.” – Snooki on Angelina and her “purposeful” beach ball hit to her face.
3. Don’t mack on a girl that your roommate was originally hitting on in da club.
“Vinny was trying to rob my little chick…I’m gonna teach him a lesson.” – The Situation who ends up stealing the girl back from him.
4. Don’t get “obnoxiously aggressive” or it might backfire on your libido.
“I feel bad; I got a boyfriend…have fun playing with yourselves!” – The Blond to Pauly D and The Situation (who failed to hook up with her in the house).
“Now I gotta smash myself.” – The Situation’s solution to not ‘getting any.’
5. There’s always more fish in the sea.
“I’ve seen the most beautiful girl in Miami.” – The second time Vinny’s made this declarative statement on a chick he’s met at a club (the first being the Hooters girl).
6. Don’t over do it on one night stands; they might leave you unschooled on the “wifey types.”
“What the hell is a date? I don’t even know what to say!” – Pauly D to Vinny as they prepare for their double date with two chicks from da club.
7. Sometimes the good ones run away get away.
“You try not to let a girl bring you down, but sometimes you can’t fight what you’re feeling and it sucks.” – Vinny on the date who never showed up.