‘90210‘ launched it’s third season last night with an earthquake that changed absolutely nothing. A couple of bookshelves fell. School was canceled for the day. That was it. It served as a great metaphor for the show as a whole.
Naomi is still reeling from her rape by her pervy teacher in the finale. She told all her friends she spent the summer on the Riviera, while she was actually holed up at the Riviera motel. She decides to press charges, then realistically learns that months later, she does not have much of a case. So she goes overboard pretending nothing’s wrong, culminating in a strip tease at the beach club for several of her classmates. She was also saddled with the stuntcasting of the week, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, playing themselves. When they refuse to sell her a dress on layaway, she calls Kim a bitch. Ha! The show loses major authenticity points for pretending that the Kardashians have anything to do with the L.A. fashion scene.
Annie anticlimactically dealt with her hit and run over the summer, doing probation and community service. She is back to sunny, perky, annoying mode. She makes out with Liam, then decides she cannot be with him because he used to date Naomi. Girl, it’s high school. Everyone dates everyone. She manages to score an internship at a theater company despite prattling on about her hit and run during the interview. It would be improbable Annie propping, except that her new boss, played by Lisa Waltz, tells an unseen person that she hired Annie because she seems desperate enough to do the job. Let’s hope Annie’s ends up making porn!
There are a million spoilers that Teddy is going to come out of the closet this season. In the premiere, he tore his ACL and had to give up tennis for at least a year. Yes, that’s right, quitting tennis makes you gay! Stay tuned.
Adrianna had the most unintentionally hilarious storyline. Her summer as a pop star did not go well. The label, and Javier, are about to dump her. When their limo crashes, Javier dies instantly but Adrianna does not even get a bruise. She uses his death as an opportunity to steal his song book and pass the lyrics off as her own. Eve Harrington, eat your heart out.
Dixon is still chasing after Ivy, who is pining after her new Aussie housemate, Oscar (Blair Redford). She rejects his advances out of loyalty to Dixon. It turns out he is also sleeping with her Mom. Do you think Kelly Lynch ever contemplates her career as an indie film queen in the 90s and weeps?
‘90210’ has embraced the role of guilty pleasure. It’s a million times more entertaining than it was when it was attempting to be a serious teen drama. As forgettable fluff, this premiere delivered.