Stephen Colbert Addresses His Congressional Testimony

Stephen Colbert is scheduled to testify for a House of Representatives hearing on illegal immigrant farm workers on Friday, and last night on ‘The Colbert Report,’ he addressed the topic and showcased the conclusion of his visit to an upstate New York farm where he actually tried to do the jobs these workers do every day.

“The Democrats love to throw cash around,” Colbert said at the opening of his show. “Now they’ve found a whole new form of wasteful government spending. Me. Because tomorrow, I, Stephen Colbert, will be testifying before Congress. Half spoken-word, half dance number. Now that news made one of the friendly friends over at ‘Fox and Friends,’ Gretchen Carlson, so incensed this morning that her hair nearly moved.”

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Then came a clip of Carlson complaining that her tax dollars will be spent for this and “we’re just supposed to sit here and take that?” Colbert’s response: “No, you’re supposed to sit there and blow it out of proportion. Read your contract!”

“But I’m going to surprise you folks. I agree with Gretchen,” he added. “I am a huge waste of taxpayer dollars. There’s my hotel, my meals, and of course my mobile snow machine so I can cross-country ski the entire way there, all of which I am paying for. But Congress is on the hook for my water, as much as I want, and the electricity powering my microphone for a full five minutes of talk time. God knows how many hospitals won’t be built because of me.”

Then came the question of how he’s going to manage to testify “in character.” Of course, Colbert the character can’t admit on ‘TCR’ that he is a character, so he went in a different direction. “Let me stop that rumor right now. It’s true, I do have a character, but rest assured, I will not be addressing Congress as my Chinese persona Ching Chong Ding Dong. I will be the first to say he would be completely inappropriate. The truth is I would never disrespect Congress like that. It would sully the good name of experts that Republican-controlled Congresses have actually called to testify in the past, like Christie Brinkley and Elmo.”

For reference, here’s Part 1 of ‘Stephen Colbert’s Fallback Position,’ showing his adventures with the United Farm Workers’ “Take Our Jobs” project challenging Americans to do the jobs that immigrant laborers do, which is the subject matter he’ll be testifying about.

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