‘Real Housewives of D.C.’ Finale Recap: Gate Crashing, Here We Come!

Michaele and Tareq Salahi (AP)

Michaele and Tareq Salahi (AP)

The season finale of the ‘Real Housewives of D.C.‘ was the most exciting episode that was worth watching the entire season! Okay, so it sucked that it was all about the Salahis’ Gate Craching incident, but at least once we got through that, we got to discover the fate of the rest of the Housewives during the end credits—and we know how important that part was to you!

For those of you who didn’t tune in: Mary’s fam (sans Lolly and her doggie) moved to D.C.; Lynda has settled into her demon-free house; Cat got divorced but is still in need of subtitles; and Stacie has gotten in touch with her biological Nigerian daddy-cakes and will be reuniting with him soon! Yippie!!!

As for the Salahis, dearest Andy Cohen helped us out with his ‘Watch What Happens Live’ show that I’ll get into a bit later. I’ll sadistically share with you all of the latest and greatest info on the delusional couple that you care to know nothing about!

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Tuesday, November 24th (dom da dom DUMB!)
Whilst en route to breaching national security, Tareq sweats out the Potomac River, while Michaele torments us with her smoker’s voice. Once they get to the entrance, the two walk out with passports in hand and tell the blurred-out security guard their names. Although the guard tells them they’re not on the list, Tareq is more nervous about possibly having to explain why his passport photo doesn’t quite resemble what he looks like today: During the time he got his picture taken, he was on Jenny Craig.

Despite not being on the official list, the guard lets them enter…(hey, guys, how much do you think the guard’s collecting in unemployment benefits these days?)

The Gate Crashers Are ‘Plastic, Not Fantastic’!
A couple days later (which happens to be Thanksgiving), Stacie and Jason pull out the paper to see the Salahis on the front page. And like any normal couple would do who’s associated with the shady couple, they naturally freak out—half incredulous, half laughing.

“This is the first time in modern history that someone crashed the State Dinner!” cackles Stacie, as she and Jason check out Michaele’s Facebook page, which has uploads of her getting all cozy-like with VP Biden, CBS news anchor Katie Couric, and then-White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

Stacie calls Cat and immediately the Brit says her piece: “They are so plastic, not fantastic.”

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‘Celebrity Terrorists’
It’s December now, and Lynda has invited Mary, Stacie, Cat, and her majesty Paul Wharton to cheer on the public flogging of the Salahis on C-Span. Although the couple takes The Fifth in response to every question, the committee members let the gruesome twosome know that they’re vile and arrogant.

“They’re the scum of the earth,” gnashes Cat, who’s quite upset because she’s been uninvited to the White House Christmas Party due to her association with the notorious couple.

Dinner Time Gets Real
The New Year rolls around and Stacie and Jason invite the Salahis over for dinner to get their side of the story. Cat sits in their living room fuming at the thought of their arrival.

The narcissistic couple arrive with their signature happy! happy! joy! joy! attitude. With Chardonnay eeking out of her pores from anger, Cat refuses to get up to greet them and can only manage a silent fake smile when Michaele says hello. A minute later, the unapologetic Brit—decked out in bad maama jamma leather—makes her statement:

“Before I go, I think the both of you are two of the most artificial fake people I’ve ever met in my entire life. Thank God I’ve got to the age of 38 without ever having associated myself with anybody like you. You’re a disgrace to America.”

Michaele gets up and walks away from Cat. “I won’t take your abuse,” she says. “You need to be a lady.”

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The Scarlet Letter
Once Cat leaves through the front door, Stacie and Jason try to calm a jumpy and defensive Michaele down.

“Let me cut to the chase…we were so shocked,” Jason states. We really enjoyed hanging out with you guys. Whether you realize it or not, you guys are wearing a scarlet letter right now, and we really hope that you guys will be able to remove that shame from the Salahi name.”

“I think it’s time to go; I’m done,” says Michaele, as she summons her chubby Matthew Perry look-alike to giddy up.

“In time everything’s going to come out, and we just can’t talk about the details right now,” Tareq quietly says. The couple rush out the back door.

Watch What Happens Live w/Andy Cohen!
After the season finale, VP-licious Andy Cohen interviews the Salahis. Although he doesn’t outright say what he’s really feeling, we can tell by his intermittent scowls, arching eyebrow, and expressions of disbelief.

“I didn’t see the smoking gun that you’re talking about,” remarks Andy, as the couple explains how they feel vindicated by what was shown on the finale.

Although we were quite distracted by Michaele’s swooshing action of her new Medusa curls, her orange skin, and her attempt at showing her rib cage cleavage—here is all the new info we learned about the Salahis in a nutshell: 1) Tareq believes the rest of the Housewives are jealous because he and Michaele are “so in love with each other;” 2) He regrets upsetting Mary with the Lolly incident; 3) There’s still no proof that Michaele is a Redskins cheerleader, even though she sticks by her story that she was one indeedy; 4) Tareq’s father died yesterday; 5) Tareq’s mother dropped her lawsuit against her renegade son (she must be drinking their Kool-Aid); 6) And for the most important revelation: A viewer wrote in to tell Tareq that he looks like George Costanza.

Anybody watch last night’s show? What did you think? Did it perk your interest to watch the reunion? (I’ll pay you $5 bucks to watch it with me.)

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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