I was expecting to see Michaele Salahi skewered like an unmarinated chicken kabob on last night’s ‘Real Housewives of D.C.’ Reunion, Part Uno—and while Lynda, Cat, Stacie, and Mary did a pretty good job at sticking it to the trouble-making fame luster, I was slightly disappointed that Cat didn’t transform into Teresa Giudice and body slam Hostess with the Mostess Andy Cohen in order to get a piece of the toothpick-thin blondie!
Another disappointment? Mary’s dirty dish water hair and Goth high school prom get-up. What was up with her black lace-up boots from Urban Outfitters? Looks like mommy has been sniffing round Lolly’s closet lately…
Before we start analyzing why Andy chose to wear another purple tie to a Housewives reunion show, here are the highlights!
Is Michaele’s MS BS?
“MS are her initials and the rest is BS,” says Lynda on Michaele’s claim that she’s been suffering from multiple sclerosis for the past 17 years. With the exception of ‘non-judgmental’ Stacie, the rest of the ladies seem to share Lynda’s sentiments, and Mary—with her ‘70s curls closely framing her face—demands proof of da truf!
Fearing that the women will discover that it’s not actually MS that she’s been inflicted with, but rather, a horrendous case of internal hemorrhoids on her non-existent J-Lo, Michaele deflects their comments by implying she’s full of goodness and that the rest of the ladies are full of demonic negative energy.
Andy: “You kept calling Tareq ‘bollocks.’ What does ‘bollocks’ mean?”
Cat: “It means testicles.”
While Tareq’s hamster cheeks turn beet red with rage and his fists punch the air, the laughter on set subsides when Cat quietly and very sadly reveals the details of her pending divorce. She tells Andy that her relationship with Charles is irreparable—that he hasn’t spoken to her in six months and hasn’t even said goodbye to her two daughters. Mary adds that Charles had been immediately cynical when Cat started filming and that the show was a catalyst—not the reason—for the Brits’ split. Looks like she might want to add another chapter in her Inbox Full autobiography…Meow.
Stacie’s Identity Solved!
Nigerian father update! Stacie has spoken to her Nigerian father, who was overjoyed to tears to know that his love-making during his Peace Corps days produced a remarkable Harvard Democrat with reality TV talent! According to Stacie, she and the rest of her fam will be venturing off to Nigeria in a couple months to meet her daddy, his two wives, and the rest of her extended family she never knew she had! Yay! Stacie can soon feel whole and begin to plot, with the help of her father, how many rolls of Extra Scott Tissue they’ll use to toilet paper her birth mother’s house!
Michaele’s Acid Relfux!
But wait! All this joy must be balanced with hate—and Michaele finds the most opportune time! Once Stacie’s friend, Erika, is mentioned and Cat rolls her eyes, the emaciated blond goes in for the kill!
“You dish it out, but you can’t take it. You should just embrace people….you make other people cry,” claims Michaele.
Cat jumps on her and asks who these mysterious tearful people are. Because Michaele can’t think of anybody, she begins to squinch up her face into a fake ugly cry. Two seconds later, her face goes back to a haughty smirk.
“If you find love within you, your husband will come back…at least I’m married, Cat, and I have someone who loves me,” vomits the blond as the ladies gasp and go wide-eyed.
Mary and Mary Jane
The glazed eyes and laid back aura are just Mary, duuudes. Despite viewers’ concerns that Mary leans on the bubbly too much or that she’s on downers, the mother of five reassures everyone that she was born chillaxed.
As for Lynda? She likes drugs! Let’s just say a little dose of the prescription pills Concerta and Xanex and a hint of Scotch help with her dyslexia. “I prefer smoking pot,” she confides but claims she quit the hash awhile ago. (At hearing this, Ebong tosses a mysterious package in a producer’s duffel bag and gives a wink at his beloved older gf.)
Social Climbing, Paying Your Dues, and Second Ugly Cry
Because Michaele is offended by Mary’s comment that she’s a “social climber,” she takes the high road, Salahi-style: “I’m from a different make than you,” she tells the laid back mama. With flaring nostrils and fingers pointing toward her enemy, Mary retorts that the frenetic blond is simply an “anomaly.” Michaele freezes in mid-smile, which accentuates her chubby front teeth, and realizes she needs to download the Dictionary.com app and look up what that word means.
As for the worn-out Washington Redskins cheerleader controversy, Michaele initially sticks to her claim and says she indeed was one in the 80s; shortly thereafter, she delineates what constitutes being an official cheerleader: She pom pom’d onto the field twice. Twice. And another strong piece of evidence—she’s been paying dues for the past 8 years! As the ladies have seizure-filled giggles, she backtracks on her statement and says “It’s because the alumni told me [to say I’m a cheerleader].” The whole room groans. Lynda looks for a joint in her clutch.
The next point of discussion turns into a mystery! While Lynda tells everyone that she thinks Michaele has changed over the years—from a heartfelt warm friend to a submissive housewife who’s chained to her controlling husband—the blond suddenly goes into the second ugly cry of the night! Everyone scratches their head. Whatever prompted her to get so upset?
Back in the greenroom, Tareq is gorging on Smart Pop Popcorn and cackling his heiny off as he watches his favorite movie, The Stepford Wives.
Highlights from the Next (and Final) Episode
Andy wants Tareq on the couch! Lynda forbids it! Ebong comes to protect her! Tareq yells at the Housewives! Andy confronts the Salahis on Gate Crashing again! Tareq needs to stop eating brownie sundaes! Ahhhhh!