[Cue spooky grandfather clock and eerie bat squeaking] Mwah ha ha ha ha! It’s getting closer to the spookiest time of the year, and what better way for you fellow fans of the tube to celebrate it than by dressing up as your favorite reality TV star?! After all, reality TV = Hell on earth! We tease…we tease.
This Halloween, how can you replicate the looks of those who grace our television sets each week? Check out our guide below…if you dare!
‘The Bachelor‘- Jake Pavelka and Vienna Giradi
What you’ll need for Jake: Blond spiky 90s hair; crystal blue eyes; peachy foundation to slather both your face (and lips); bleached teeth; tabloid cover cut-outs of Jake and Vienna plastered on a dark suit; cowboy boots; a broken GPS system in one hand, a long-stemmed rose in the other; a sign on your back that says “I Heart Fame More Than My Soul.”
What You’ll Need for Vienna: Long Amazonian blond hair with bobby pins on each side; a Mr. Potato Head nose; one glass eyeball that doesn’t move; bleached teeth; pink lip gloss; tabloid cover cut-outs of Jake and Vienna plastered on a mini skirt and skin-tight blazer; high heels; a chihuahua wearing a diaper in one hand, a big diamond ring in the other with a price tag that reads: “Owned By ABC.”
‘Survivor‘ – Russell Hantz
What you’ll need: A short and stubby body; a black fedora; a Naw’lins accent; menacing blue eyes; facial fuzz; an Immunity Idol around your neck; a tank-top that reads “I Am Sole Survivor” on the front and “Sandra Sucks” on the back; a burning Tiki torch; beer belly optional.
‘Millionaire Matchmaker‘ – Patti Stanger
What you’ll need: A long, black flat-ironed wig; tight-fitting clothes; water balloons for your chest; a whiny irritating voice; a type-A personality; mauve-colored lip gloss; a cupid bow and arrow; a black book; Benjamins falling out of your pockets; a copy of Patti’s book, Become Your Own Matchmaker.
‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians‘ – Kim Kardashian
What you’ll need: A long, black flat-ironed wig (add lots of shiny hair serum); bronzer; heavy raccoon-like eye makeup; lots of blush; pink lip gloss; water balloons for your chest; water balloons for your J-Lo; tight-fitting clothes; very slow Valley Girl speak; a bottle of Quick Trim strapped to your waist; a framed pic of Reggie Bush taped to your chest.
‘The Apprentice‘ – Donald Trump
What you’ll need: A red comb-over with blond highlights; a business suit; pasty white skin with orange blush; a squinty scowl; puckered lips; a sign that says “You’re Fired! (Even If We’re in a Recession)”; the real estate section of the Wall Street Journal in your back pocket.
‘Sister Wives‘ – Kody Brown & His Four Wives
What you’ll need: A medium-sized man who looks likes “The Dude” from ‘The Big Lebowski’; one average-sized blond woman wearing a shirt that says “I’m the jealous first wifey”; two frumpy heavy-set blond women with shirts that say “Wifey-Babymaker 2” and “Wifey-Babymaker 3”; one thin brunette with a shirt that says “I’m supposed to be the hot new Wifey #4”; carrying 13 Cabbage Patch Dolls optional.
‘Jersey Shore‘ – Snooki
What you’ll need: A short and stubby body; a long black weave with a six-inch tall Bumpit/bouffant; orange foundation; heavy eye makeup; leopard-tight clothes; high heels; a huge bottle of SoCo in your Gucci handbag; french-manicured talons; a tattoo on your forehead that says “I Heart Gorilla Juice Heads.”
‘Project Runway‘ – Heidi Klum
What you’ll need: A tall slender bod; a shaggy boy cut; a pinched nose; high cheekbones; your best form-fitting designer outfit that shows lots of leg; high heels; a repetition of the words “You’re either in or you’re out” in a nasally German accent; a well-dressed gay man in a suit with white hair and spectacles to represent Tim Gunn optional. Sexy Nigerian man at your side optional, too.
‘Cake Boss‘ – Buddy Valastro
What you’ll need: To look Italian; a white chef/baker suit; a jittery high-energy disposition; a New Jersey accent; a compulsion to scream and get upset about mundane problems in the kitchen; white flour on your face and hair; an obscenely ostentatious cake to prance around with in one hand, a miniature Italian flag in the other.
‘Biggest Loser‘ – Jillian Michaels
What you’ll need: Your workout clothes and sneaks; your best raspy tough-guy voice; bulging biceps; wavy brown locks that remind people you’re still female; a series of explosive memorized lines like: “Drop and give me 20—or you’ll smell what I had for breakfast!”; intermittent nostril-flaring; a kettle ball strapped around your neck; Jillian Michaels workout DVDs and a bottle of her fat-burning pills tacked onto your body; a tattoo on your arm that says “No Mercy: JillianMichaels.com.”
Now that you’ve perused our Halloween ideas, how about you? Got any other spooktacular reality TV costume ideas on the brain? Do tell!