‘Real Housewives of D.C.’ Finale, Pt. 2 Recap: The Salahis Can’t Handle the Truth

Michaele Salahi and Stacie Turner (Bravo)

Michaele Salahi and Stacie Turner (Bravo)

Watching the Salahis on the ‘Real Housewives of D.C.‘ reunion finale was one of the most fascinating TV mind trips I’ve ever had—and that says heaps given the fact that I watch Bob Ross’ ‘The Joy of Painting’ like, all the time!

At every turn ‘The Bonnie and Clyde of D.C.’ denied any wrongdoing on every possible front, making the rest of the Housewives’ eyeballs get a real workout from rolling around so much. As for host-licious Andy Cohen, who seemed to be doing most of the constructive back-and-forth with the couple, he probably would’ve much preferred auditioning for a Just for Men hair commercial than having to deal with Loony Tunes #1 and #2! We feel your pain, girlfriend!

While Stacie defined the couple quite well with her “Salahism” definition on her Bravo blog (that we’ll get to later), Cat’s favorite word of the night seemed to sum up what everyone else was feeling about the excuses that were coming out of the Salahis’ yappers: “Bullsh-t.”

And so goes the highlights…

The Invasion of the Evasion
Once Tareq is invited to come sit next to his skinny lemming, Andy gets right to it by asking them if it was true that as hosts, they didn’t pay a dime for Paul Wharton’s birthday party and that they got their lawyer involved to ensure they didn’t have to. Evading the question like she does her meals, Michaele chimes that they had donated wine. The Housewives rebuff by stating that there wasn’t any Oasis wine at the party (because they sure would’ve known if they had drunken Costco grapes!) According to Andy, even the catering director at Paul’s party confirmed there was no Oasis wine…so what gives? The Salahis claim it was a lie. Of course.

As for the house hunting incident with Stacie, Tareq denies that she asked them for their line of credit, to which Stacie looks at him like she’s about to slap him silly. Mary’s heard heaving like a bull in the background.

Let’s Just Talk About Grapes!
Trying to get any straight-forward answer from them, Andy asks if the couple is bankrupt. Tareq says Oasis Winery is bankrupt.

“Clearly you had lawsuits, it seems concurrently you are presenting yourselves as total supreme ballers…do you get that there’s a dichotomy between what’s going on in your real life and what you’re putting out there?” asks Andy, his emphatic (almost pleading) voice an indicator that he’s hoping to find one shred of sanity in them.

Unfortunately, in Tareq’s mind, the host asked him about his grape growing techniques and so he answers him by saying agriculture is a tough business.

Facebook, Caucus Dinner, Gate Crashing, Oh My!
Once the rest of the men of the show join their ladies, Andy goes into the Facebook-FBI allegations, in which Tareq implicates Mary’s daughter Lolly for being an accomplice in stealing his polo equipment. Although Rich asks for an apology, the Salahis throw their hands in the air and wave ‘em like they just don’t care-rrr.

As for the Congressional Black Caucus Dinner, the dirty duo claim they had tickets, weren’t escorted out, and that Jason the Hair Colorist (who attended the event with them) was lying about what transpired. Even after Andy reads a statement from the director of communications stating that they indeed were asked to get to steppin’ by security, the Salahis brush their shoulders off and say it’s rubbish.

“You never have any real answers and you never tell the f-cking truth!” screams Cat.
“This is a goat rodeo!” fires Lynda. Baaahhhh!

Of course by now, it’s no huge guess how the Gate Crashing story was going to be told by the slithering couple. “It’s a combination of optimism, delusion, and hutzpuh on the highest level!” exclaims Andy after he laid out all the inconsistencies and shady interpretations given by Mr. and Mrs. Denial.

The two gaze into each other’s eyes and whisper they’ll stay pathological forever…

Salahism – Stacie’s Definition
‘A condition of or pertaining to total self-centeredness; a mental state characterized by absolute preoccupation with oneself and/or self-interest. See also: Narcissism.’

Right on, girl.

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An Apology for an Apology
To shut everyone up from arguing about the infamous wine incident in which Tareq threw a glass on Lynda, Michaele shouts with such a deep man’s voice we thought James Earl Jones had possessed her body! Everyone freezes in fear. Suddenly, as if a miracle, Michaele tells Tareq to apologize to Lynda and he does! A miracle! A miracle! Sike!!

Not two seconds later, Michaele demands an apology from Lynda in return for her “eating disorder” comment. Lynda tells her to shove it. Real translation: Go eat a sandwich.

And apart from a few cheesy final thoughts from the ladies like “What a great opportunity!” and “It was a blast!”—that was essentially the end of the show, folks!

So what’d you think? Would you love or hate the idea of a second season of ‘DC’? Is there anyone out there who believes the Salahis?

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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