About one in five ‘Real Housewives’ suffer from a disease called I’m-a-40-Something-Pop Star-Wannabe, and for the past few seasons, we’ve had to suffer through the symptoms of this debilitating illness. So what are the symptoms, you feverishly ask? They include: Danielle Staub’s “Real Close,” Kim Zolciak’s “Tardy for the Party,” and LuAnn ‘Countess’ de Lesseps’ “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” (Unfortunately, we haven’t found a cure yet.)
For those of you who’ve been keeping up with the ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta,’ it’s not news that Miss Kim’s been itching to ride her “Tardy for the Party” fame to another tranny-loving single, so it got us thinking: If we were forced (at gunpoint) to choose which of these Real Housewives could surpass the pop star zenith that is Susan Boyle, who would we choose?!
Here’s a list of the merits and demerits of the Artists Formerly Known as the ‘Real Housewives’:
Danielle Staub’s “Real Close” (with singer/songwriter/lesbian lover Lori Michaels)
Pros: 1) The song reveals that even an evil person can be loving and vulnerable to her lesbian lover; 2) Ole Danny Girl’s chords aren’t as bad as we feared; 3) There’s a remix!
Cons: 1) There’s a remix!; 2) The various live performances of the remix show Danielle tapping into her inner stripper and showing off her salacious bump and grinds, while Lori Michaels revels in C&C Music Factory moves alongside chunky guido dancers
Best lines: Why am I so scared? / Why am I so scared? / Why am I so scared? (We’re scared.)
Kim Zolciak’s “Tardy for the Party”
Pros: 1) Your shoulder can’t help but undulate with good vibrations; 2) Gay men love it; 3) It’s actually catchy; 4) It gives 40-somethings a reason to wear tutus and wigs and pretend to be 20 years younger
Cons: 1) Kim Z. ‘talks’ through most of the song—and when you add in the auto-tune, it sounds like R2D2 popped out a new single!
Best lines: Headed back to VIP / So tight that I can’t breathe / I look good in this heat / Sweat drippin’ all over me
The Countess’ “Money Can’t Buy You Class”
Pros: 1) She came out with an official music video!; 2) The lighting, makeup, and long weave makes her look like an uber feminine hot tamale; 3) Gay men love it.
Cons: 1) The lyrics reveal The Countess’ delusional world; 2) Even with the auto-tune, nothing can overpower her smoker’s voice; 3) The actors in the music video probably lost all their friends after it was released.
Best line: Elegance is learned, my friends!
And our winner is…Kim wiggity wiggity whack Zolciak! We figure the 32-year-old’s got the most mainstream tune out of the bunch and has a lot more to prove (especially since we’re pretty convinced she may have slashed a decade off her real age)! Boo yah!
So do you agree or disagree with our analysis? Which Housewife would you choose as most fan-worthy?