GH Mysteries: Is Theo the Balkan? Why Should Ethan Run ELQ?

Daniel Benzali (Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

Daniel Benzali (Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

Balkan Theory Number 7000

A friend of mine is convinced that Theo, the hypochondriac played by former ‘Murder One‘ star Daniel Benzali, who showed up on ‘General Hospital‘ this week, is the enigmatic Balkan.

She was operating on the ‘Law & Order‘ theory: the special guest star is always the one who did it.  She also pointed out that there was a reference to Alexander’s body being moved to the GH morgue, which would explain Theo’s insistence on staying overnight.  He wants access to his son’s body.

I scoffed at first, in part because I read the press releases stating that Theo was going to help Robin gain insight into her relationship with Patrick, and in part because Benzali’s career is more Michael Learned than James Franco.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she might be onto something.  Here’s the case so far:

1) Theo immediately bonded with Dante (Dominic Zamprogna) over their mutual love of opera.  Dante covered up Alexander’s murder.  It’s possible that if the Balkan researched Dante, he would be aware of Dante’s love of opera.

2) Theo also forged a connection with Robin  (Kimberly McCuollough), who is Brenda’s best friend.  That’s a great way of getting access to Brenda.

3) Theo told Robin he lost somebody close to him. That could refer to his son.

4) Theo has an accent.  That accent is not remotely Balkan, but this is a soap, so, close enough.

5) Theo has multiple health insurance policies.  That means he is rich, because they are ridiculously expensive.  It also seems like a smart move for someone with a dangerous lifestyle who travels the world and has numerous aliases.

The case against Theo being the Balkan: there is no way he could have predicted that Dante would be at the hospital, or that Robin would be assigned to his case.  He had no reason to believe he would be able to persuade a doctor to admit him when there was nothing wrong with him.  If he really wanted to ensure he could stay in the hospital, he would have injured himself or ingested a non-lethal toxin.  GH has done other short term arcs with patients in the past year.  This could be another one.

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Not Quite A Family Business

Hooray! ‘General Hospital’s’ Edward Quartermaine (John Ingle) actually has a motivation for bribing Ethan (Nathan Parsons) and Maya (Annie Ilonzeh) to turn their drunken Las Vegas wedding into a real marriage.  He wants to groom Ethan to take over his company, ELQ.  He confided to Molly, “Ethan is like a diamond in the rough. I can mold him, since he’s now a member of the family. I can mold him into the kind of man that could run ELQ. The kind of man that could return it to the dynamic corporation that it once was.”

It makes sense– unless you think about it for more than five minutes.   I would love to see ELQ become a major part of GH again.  So many great storylines have been centered around the company.

Since most of the Quartermaines have either died or left town, Edward has not been able to groom anyone to take over the company.  Given that it is a soap and therefore the idea of hiring someone with the appropriate business experience and education is not a possibility, Ethan seems like a viable alternative.

As Edward points out, as long as he stays married to Maya, Ethan is a part of the family. Except, there are two young Quartermaines by blood who are just aching to be molded into corporate sharks.  Brooklyn (Adrianne Leon) has been floundering since the plan she cooked up with Carly to break up Lulu and Dante failed.  She has gone from the literally planning to prostitute herself to get fifty thousand dollars from Carly to being Nik’s paid platonic escort.  She seems to have abandoned all her singing ambitions.   Though she has professed disdain for Edward’s controlling ways, I suspect her tune would change if he offered to train her to take over the company.  It would be the daytime equivalent of ‘Working Girl.’

If Edward is determined to be a male chauvinist, there is his great-grandson Michael (Chad Duell) who is at loose ends.  He is not interested in college, and his criminal conviction will make it difficult for him to find gainful employment.  Why not offer him the opportunity to learn a business from the ground up, and get him back into the Quartermaine fold?

A Michael who is torn between ELQ and organized crime, his love for his adopted father and his newfound affection for his biological family, would be great drama.  There is also Maya’s unseen little sister Zoe, who, for all we know, could be the next Warren Buffet. It makes little sense that Edward would choose to place all his faith in a con artist he barely knows when he has still has a shot at winning over some actual Quartermaines.

A Dish Best Served Cold

Soap revenge usually involves diabolical plots that would result in criminal charges in real life.  That is why I found Stefano’s (Joseph Mascalo) entirely legal, deliciously cruel plan to humiliate Kate (Lauren Koslow) on ‘Days of Our Lives‘ so refreshing.

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Perhaps the man whose schemes used to rival those of James Bond villains is mellowing in his old age.  Angered that his wife both set in motion the chain of events that led to his son being shot and hid the information that he had yet another son from him, he decided to give Kate her just desserts.  He ordered Kate to give a present to her nemesis Chloe and issue the following mea culpa: “I would also like to say that what I did to the two of you was not only wrong, it was cruel. It was horrible. It was unforgivable, and I take full responsibility for it. I will hate myself for the rest of my life for making such a colossal mistake. I am a dishonest woman. I am a liar. I am pathologically jealous. I’m threatened by just about everything, especially beautiful women, younger beautiful women who are talented and charismatic. Everything I am not. You see, I am a middle-aged dilettante whose only talent is making people suffer. One day, hopefully, I will learn to be a better person, but until that day, I hope you accept this sincere apology.”

Ha!  Watching a character eat some much deserved crow (even though Stefano has no justification to criticize anyone for anything) is far more entertaining then watching them, say, rot away in a Moroccan prison.  Please do this more often, daytime.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.

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