‘Bachelor’ Recap: Tears For Jeers

Melissa on The Bachelor (ABC)

Melissa on The Bachelor (ABC)

It’s about that time of the season again. The Crazies have emerged from “The Bachelor,” and boy, have they got each other reeling! But the question is: Whatever will Brad do about it? Will he allow them to tear each other’s weaves apart, or will he pull out all the stops and tell them he’s got no room for divas in this here Texan heart?

And how did the dates go? Does he get rose-happy and play nice to all or does he dash a girl’s dreams of getting a ring round her finger and her eggs fertilized?

Guess you’ll have to read the recap and find out:

Clowning Around With Granny
Reminiscing on how much fun it was to hang with his Granny back in the day, Brad chooses Ashley H., the frenetic and over-exuberant dentist who claims she’s 26 (but whom we know is going on 46).

Off they go in the convertible! Ash hangs onto her wig for dear life but nonetheless is thankful for the strong winds blowing on her face, as it gives her an immediate face lift! The two turn onto a dirt road and begin walking through the creepy woods. Before they know it, they’re in front of a surprise switch. Ash flips it on and then BAM! She realizes they’re at a carnival!

They play games! Eat cotton candy! And go on the ferris wheel! Yippie!

Ash suddenly pushes him towards her and proceeds to suck his face for 15 seconds. His mouth searches for her upper lip, but there is none to be found…sadly, only the taste of Polident.

After the face-sucking ends, Ash lays down the law and says she needs stability because her daddy was never in her life. Brad, overcome with emotion, says they’re like TWINS! He’s got daddy issues, tooooo! She commences with 1,000 more questions coupled with so many hand gestures, we believe she’s created her own sign language just for Brad-dilda.

In the end, the Mustard-Haired Muscle Man gives her a rose, and she thanks him by allowing her tongue to act like floss between his teeth.

Bloody War
Group date! Keltie, Chantal O., Madison, Melissa, Kimberly, Marissa, Raichel, Britt, Meghan, Emily, Stacey, Allie, Shawntel N., Lisa, and Michelle are asked to give by making blood donation PSAs for the American Red Cross…but Michelle wants to receive. After all, it’s her 30th birthday, and she can act like she’s five if she wants to.

“Happy freaking birthday to me,” she sarcastically exclaims—angry that she has to share Brad with 14 other girls. “People are going to piss me off today—I know it.”

And did they ever! Take after take, various girls had the pleasure of slobbering over Brad-Man—it was like PSAs Gone Wild! While Michelle is cutting herself in the corner out of jealousy, equally psychotic Melissa can’t handle taking the back seat, either! She runs onto the set during Brad’s lines and latches onto his lips…then she faints (because that’s what happens when one doesn’t eat for a month).

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Psycho Babble
At the rooftop after party, Melissa grabs Brad-inski for some one-on-one time. With jitters, she attempts to convince him she’s not crazy for attacking him on the set, while at the same time, searches desperately for a drumstick.

Preparing to rumble with Melissa, Raichel gulps down three eggs and does bicep curls in the corner. Once the skinny minnie walks over to her, Raichel slams her for not being “real” with Brad (i.e. telling him that she was planning on leaving if she didn’t have a one-on-one with him). The two girls go kamikaze on each other, with Raichel trying to manscape the tongue from Melissa’s mouth!

Once everyone settles into the pool, Brad presents the coveted rose to the bratty birthday girl, Michelle. To show her satisfaction that her manipulative ways paid off, she sways creepily with the rose in her hand.  Off in the distance, we hear muffled screams as the camera catches Raichel shoving Melissa’s head down into the chlorine-drenched waters…

NERD Alert!
It’s a “Pretty Woman” date for Jackie, and her jutting underbite reveals how pleased she is! Brad takes her to a posh hotel and together they get dressed in white robes and receive bird poop facials! After taking her into another room filled with pageant dresses courtesy of Stein Mart, he surprises her again by draping her with Neil Lane jewelry. She giggles and thanks him so much that we begin to realize the gravity of the situation: We’ve got a bonafide nerd on our hands.

But one more surprise! Hee hee! Brad takes Jackie to the Hollywood Bowl! Cheering with utter delight, her face suddenly reminds us of Balki from the 80s sitcom “Perfect Strangers.”

Once they begin eating their Panda Express dinner, Brad starts to uncover her Kingdom of Dork-dom. She tells him she had just one boyfriend in high school (ahem, doesn’t count) and dated one other guy after college.

“Wow, you’re extremely cautious,” Brad politely says, disguising what he really knows to be the truth: Miss Naivete doesn’t know squat about relationships.

But hey, Brad throws caution to the wind and gives her a rose for the heck of it. Then the band Train shows up and sings a few tunes. In between groveling and thanking her man profusely, Jackie dances in his arms and kisses him, hiding her retainer in her cleavage.

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The Crying Game
As Michelle steals Brad to ask him what kind of coffee he likes and what he stores in his fridge (hers has dead bodies), Raichel and Melissa continue barking at each other like chihuahuas. The other girls tell them to get over it, but Melissa won’t stop stalking Raichel, who’s about to get Jersey on her non-existent arse.

To help soothe her nerves, Melissa sobs and tells Brad about being “the target” in the house. In mid-sentence, she apologizes for her onion pizza-scented breath. Brad widens his eyes with incredulity.

Then he checks on Raichel, who’s busy doing one-arm push ups, and realizes she’s in tears, too! She calmly tells him that Melissa is an angry paranoid anorexic in need of animal tranquilizers.

Look at the Happy Couple!
But before all hell breaks loose, Ali and Roberto show up, all sparkly and smiles! Aside from interrogating all the girls and giving a full assessment to Brad, their uneventful presence allows us to get up for bathroom breaks.

Before Brad kicks three cats to the curb, he finally decides on giving the final immunity rose to Emily, whose sweetness is almost as distracting as the whiteness of her porcelain veneers.

No More Drama in His Life
In the wisest move yet, Bradonka-Donk boots off drama queens Raichel and Melissa, and for “kicks” he sends Keltie home, too.

Highlights from Next Episode
Action adventure movie! Hot tub time! Singing Seal songs out of key! A contestant walks off and wants to go home! Oh noooo!

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.


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