Wait. Who needs therapy again? Last night’s “Bachelor” proved that Bradinsky wasn’t the only person who needed a licensed professional to talk to. As he allowed the ladies to open up to him, a deluge of sob stories came pouring out faster than Sarah McLachlan’s tears in an ASPCA commercial, and he thus realized he wasn’t the only one with daddy issues! (There was also the continued metastasizing of the Fatal Attraction Serial Killah, but we’ll get into that later.)
Check out the highlights…if you dare…
SEAL’d With a Kiss
Because the producers and his therapist forced him to, Brad takes lil Ashley S. to Capitol Records to sing a craptastic version of Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose” in hopes that all of America’s ears would explode and fall off.
Right after eating a piping garlic pizza, the two begin singing in the recording booth, and the mic begins to melt. As if that weren’t enough to handle, Brad starts to worry that he’s out of tune and hardly has time to notice Ashley’s prepubescent-size shoulders.
He eventually takes her into another room—and Voila! Seal is performing his hit song for them!
The two go to the rooftop and amid their wasabi-stuffed sushi rolls, Ash tells Brad that it was a total coinkeedink that they were singing “Kiss from a Rose” because that was her and her Daddy’s fave ballad. She tears up again and reveals that her dad died recently, and with that, he gives her the immunity rose. They dance and kiss, while a few feet away at a nearby table, Seal and Heidi are pummeling their faces with In-N-Out Burgers.
Brad decides to take his huge group date to a Hollywood set so they could shoot an action adventure film and specifically beat up on Asian actors. Why? Because he believes they’re the ones who laced his and Ashley S.’s sushi rolls with too much wasabi on the Capitol Records rooftop date. Michelle, angry that she hasn’t ripped Brad’s soul into tiny little pieces yet, proceeds to say murderous things about the girls and lets her aggression out with lots of kicks, along with some impressive slicing and dicing via her cleft chin.
Frustrated that she still has the smell of formaldehyde on her body from being a funeral director, Shawntel N. must prove that she is indeed alive to Brad! She kicks butt in her scene and makes out with Brad over and over again. Michelle’s eyes turn red, and her serial killah instincts start to come out ten-fold!
At the rooftop party, Chantal O. decides to get vulnerable with Brad and reveals she has daddy abandonment issues and that he—like Ashley S.’s father—died recently. He reassures her by placing his tongue in her yapper.
At the end of the night, though, Brad’s cajones gravitate six feet under, and he gives Shawntel N. the immunity rose!
“I’m gonna be the one who ends up with Brad anyways,” says Michelle, attempting to reassure her bruised ego. “It’ll be just me and Brad in Tahiti practicing making babies.” She hides a machete behind her back.
Barbie, Ken, and Some Fermented Grapes
Brad takes Emily to a vineyard, hoping that he could get her drunk in order for her to show some semblance of a personality. As they sit among throngs of budding grapes, he begins asking her about her life, but she immediately deflects his questions like a deft ninja assassin.
For dinner, he leads her into a barn, and there awaits a romantic dinner of Jimmy Dean sausage and tater tots. She starts feeling at home and reveals her huge sob story: that the love of her life died in a plane crash and that he had bequeathed her an unborn child. As if it were a sign, a cow moos strenuously a few yards away and gives birth to a calf. Brad lovingly looks into his Barbie’s bleached-white overbite and gives her a rose.
Open Up, Dawg
When Brad’s therapist walks into Brad’s living quarters, he finds the muscular blond rocking back and forth nervously, pulling out his chest hairs, and talking to himself in the mirror. He reassures the Texan and tells him that he’s doing just fine; he just wants Brad to create good energy and offer emotional space for the girls to open up.
Teeth Come Out
Shaken by Emily’s story, Madison tries to be as vulnerable as she can with Brad-Man: Ergo, she pulls out her fangs! She tells him she was wanting love, but it seems that some other girls desperately need it. She says she feels guilty about taking that opportunity away from them and thinks she might just want to fly back into her coffin and hide from crucifixes. Brad tells her to give it a think until the rose ceremony.
Three Blondies Go Home
In the end, Madison decides to suck on someone else’s blood and respectfully exits, while Brad sends a bitter Kimberly and raccoon-eyed Sara P. packing.
Highlights from Next Episode
Helicopters for the umpteenth time! Dr. Drew! The revenge of the dentist (with no gums in sight)! Chantal O. and Michelle go at it! The mysterious black-eye!
Do you think Brad made the right choices?